HOW TO BE A CULTIST

(Slightly Modified Version)

1. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of the amateur.
2. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your god's name before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.
3. Always keep your cultist kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, thuggee knife, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cabfare, condoms, and change.
4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over 10 pounds in weight; you're just asking for trouble.
5. Select ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.
6. Citronella candles may NOT be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel-colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like beacons to the Dark Lords.
7. Blood tests are now required of all sacrificial victims before the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone living, let alone intact.
8. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally considered bad form.
9. Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
10. Contrary to popular belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When it all hits the fan, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to throw the holy water on, and the gibbering monstrosity that will go away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good hot bath.
11. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the cult leader. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
12. Never play Strip Tarot.
13. Never have sex with anything whose genetic structure you do not feel absolutely comfortable about.
14. Never admit to having sex with anything whose genetic structure you didn't not feel absolutely comfortable about.
15. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
16. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES! Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they'd just remember this simple safety tip.
17. Never be the cultist who goes to rough up the investigators. Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going `round to beat up the good guys is a sure route to the bottom of the Thames.
18. Don't gloat.
19. If you do gloat, never reveal your plans.
20. If you do gloat and reveal your plans, never leave the investigators to die slowly. They don't.
21. If you do gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the investigators to die slowly, don't have the audacity to look surprised when they show up to foil you.
22. Investigators always show up at the last moment to foil you. Start a half-hour early; they hate that.
23. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can stand against one who is true to his faith, his god, and his soul. However, it is also true that God is on the side of the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.
24. For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not feasible or even possible, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously-frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock-victim sculpted from Spam is right out.

If anybody out there has any more, let me know, and if they pass my stringent examination, I'll add 'em to the list.

Such as this one by Andrew Pickin:
Never put the sacrificial virgin's gown and the high priest's robe in the same wash, and always follow the instructions on the label. Putting soiled garments into soak for 20 minutes is always time well spent.

RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!! Click here to return to the main page.

Updated 28 Dec 00, date of a massive conjunction.