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Indian Humour

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For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to
drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are
applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a
vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian road rules broadly operate within
the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your
insurance company.

The hints are as follows:
Do we drive on the left or right of the road?
The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it
is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied.
Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust
your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road
rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don't
drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don't get
discouraged or underestimate yourself. Except for a belief in reincarnation,
the other drivers are not in any better position.

Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the
road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians
have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or
had come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot
may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.

Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to
express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk
blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar. Keep
informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them  during
traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for
the rain waters to recede when over-ground traffic meets underground
drainage.

Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those
with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan). In a way, it is like playing
Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded.
What looks like  premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck
attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the
field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have
shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting 
reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and the peg 
of illicit arrack he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions 
add up to little more than a naught.

Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often
you may  encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the
ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a
single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never
get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of
course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads. During the daytime,
trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any Signal.
(And you must watch for the absent signals; they are a greater threat.)
Only, you will often observe that the cleaner that sits next to the driver,
will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be
construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an expression of
physical relief on a hot day.

Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with blinking colored
lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus,
full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck
speed, seeking contact with the almighty, often meeting with success.

Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi)
The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this
three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a
mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron
rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at
an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations, children are
folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the
periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags
are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions
with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the
peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws
of motion enroute to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules
depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.

Mopeds
The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric
shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom
speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers
tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under
heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the
tarmac.

Leaning Tower of Passes
Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is
absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in
turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying
laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for
overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked.
Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.

One-way Street
These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise
drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. 
In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at
once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type.

Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also. Rash and fast
driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed
breaker"; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and
drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy
identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover
the pipe for year-end accounting.

If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons
between 8pm and 11am -when the police have gone home. The citizen then free
to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in our constitution.

Having said all this, isn't it true that the accident rate and related
deaths are less in India compared to US or other countries!!??

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