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Limericks
Limericks
Lim-Rick wrote: > da DAH da, da DAH da, da DAH > da DAH da, da DAH da, da DAH > da DAH da, da DEE > da DAH da, da DEE > da DAH da, da DAH da, da DAH So that's how the pieces should fit, the tools in our limericks kit. But if, by some quirk that just doesn't work, there's no need to give up and quit. For those who just can't get it right, we may need an alternate site -- like ditties.so.so or limericks.no.go or maybe alt.limericks.not.quite.
I once joined that ol' Mensa crew But 'twas soon clear I hadn't a clue. I couldn't spell kat And they soon spotted that. Now I just do not know what to do. - Ian. Tried to join Mensa, was found a twit. Sat next to Ian, also unfit. To fulfill our dream. Let's apply as a team Together, we should have one wit.
A professor of Physics named May Complains of the classroom today, "The problem, you know, Is that they're too slow. We were far better students than they." His friend, a professor named Beecham, Said "It's true, you don't seem to reach 'em. But they're not to blame, For they haven't the same Class of teachers that we had, to teach 'em!"
I looked up Limerick in dictionary
Hoping for some rules explanatary
I think it absurd
This big book of words
Defines Limericks as nonsense poetary
- Reply to above
Burn your Webster get a word-book more fair
Like my Macquarie- a real dictionaire
With definitions numerous
It says Limerick's humorous
But - oh no! it's origin's in Eire!
FATUOUS, word non-caloric,
Applied to dummy euphoric,
Inane and vapid,
Demeaning, quite rapid,
Jejune and exceeding sophomoric.
FROWARD's another delight,
Forthcoming NOT, rather a fight,
Its meaning reverse,
Like someone perverse,
"Peevish" would just get it right.
TOXOPHILITE tells of arrow's flight,
And not poison's most fearsome fright,
William Tell refrain,
Not a doleful bane,
Or agent of some baleful blight.
Suggestion for Word.A.Day theme,
Things are seldom what they would seem,
NOISOME, I'd propose,
Not of ear, but of nose,
A kind of olfactory nerve scream.
Keep furniture clean from the guys,
Using ANTIMACASSAR is wise,
It isn't a lout,
Whose shouting about,
The lash stuff that's on ladies' eyes.
COMITY, sayeth the pol,
With fixed smile, like a painted doll,
It's not a scene funny,
Or meeting 'bout money,
Or plan for an elephant droll.
Holyfield fought EARly today. Now can't hEAR quite the same way. I fEAR Mike took a bite Of his EAR in the night. Evander has EARned his pay. In Las Vegas last Saturday night Evander and Mike in a fight To enhance his career By chomping an ear But the dust more than ears did he bite "I can't hear the fury or sound" "Something's quite wrong in this round" "I came for the fighting" "But not for the biting" Said E. as his ear hit the ground.
There once was a Usenetter named Mark, Whose gender was kept in the dark. He/she/it said with a nod, "My ancestors were odd!" Did Noah need two for the ark? There once was a man from Great Britain Who interrupted two girls at their knittin'. Said he with a sigh, "That park bench, well I Just painted it right where you're sittin'." There once was an old man of Esser, Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser, It at last grew so small He knew nothing at all, And now he's a college professor. A mouse in her room woke Miss Doud Who was frightened and screamed very loud Then a happy thought hit her To scare off the critter She sat up in bed and just meowed There once was a lady named Perkins Who simply doted on Gherkins They were so nice She ate too much spice And pickled her internal workin's There was a young hunter named Shepherd Who was eaten for lunch by a leopard. Said the leopard, "Egad! You'd be tastier, lad If you had been salted and peppered!" A flea and a fly in a flue Were imprisoned, so what could they do? Said the fly, "let us flee!" "Let us fly!" said the flea. So they flew through a flaw in the flue. An epicure dining at Crewe Found a very large bug in his stew. Said the waiter, "Don't shout And wave it about, Or the rest will be wanting one too." I fish in the deep blue sea It sure-as-hell is not free. Boat, gas and bait Line, reel and weight The jerk on the line is me. When labor pains finally began, She smiled at her proud, nervous man. "Thanks so much, Tom, You've made me a mom. And don't ever do that again!" To thwart my repetitive crimes, My English instructor, Ms Grimes, With anger abundant Said, "Don't be redundant! Now, write it down 500 times!" How many seconds in a year? Don't shift your brain in high gear. Second of January, Second of February . . . Only 12, from what I hear. There was a young man from Japan Whose limericks never would scan When asked why this was He said it's because 'I just try to get as much into the last line as I possibly can' Archaeologists have dug up the Plantimal, A creature half plant and half animal. On the one hand herbivorous On the other carnivorous And when dining alone, auto-cannibal From the world, his discovery brought cheers! From his wife, it drew nothing but tears. "For you see," said Ms. Halley, "He used to come daily, Now it's once every 76 years!" A tutor who tooted the flute Tried to tutor two tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, "Is it harder to toot or To tutor two tooter to toot?" A canner exceeding canny One morning remarked to his granny "A canner can can Anything that he can But a canner can't can a can, can he?" Sit and watch a sunset at sea And feel the warmth arise in thee. Then say to your love, Heaven sent you from above- How lucky I am to be me. There once was a student named Bright. Who's speed was faster than light. She set out one day In a relative way... And returned the previous night. I had a twin sister Marie, Who went off at a speed close to c. She came back one day In a relative way, And ended up younger than me. The chemist heaved a long sigh, When his filtrate was finally dry ... But an unstable fraction, In a quick chain reaction, Formed a mushroom cloud five miles high. Last night I was guest at the Schmidts I left there scared out of my wits There were hideous shrieks, Framed pictures of freaks, And bathtowels marked "His," "Hers," and "ITS!" Last night I was a guest at the Pardo`s I left there as fast as my car goes They were squawking like geese And dancing in grease The welcome mat said : "Watch for Web toes." There was an old person of Ely Who spoke to his wife in Swahili; For as she could speak Only English and Greek, He could use it to swear at her freely. There was an old person named Stout Who uncertainly wandered about. He would drop in and say In a vague sort of way, "Do excuse me. I'm just going out." A teacher of English from Surrey, Whom nothing could fluster or worry, Recited conjunctions At dinners and functions Which made people leave in a hurry. A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along And, unless I'm quite wrong, You expected this line to be lewd. There was this engineer from Bangalore, Who was afraid he was such a bore, He spoke either of software, Or of computer hardware, And people just headed for the door.
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