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Quips and Quotes
Quips and Quotes
I never said it was possible. I only said it was true.
-Charles Richet, Nobel Laureate in Physiology
It's easy to tell when a politician is lying. Watch his lips. If they
move, he's lying.
-Charles Lyall
Never explain - your friends don't need it, and your enemies won't
believe you anyhow.
-Elbert Hubbard
I have every sympathy with the American who was so horrified by what he
had read about the effects of smoking that he gave up reading.
-Henry G. Strauss
Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
-Bob Ettinger
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.
-Conan O'Brien
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?
-Warren Hutcherson
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
-Rita Mae Brown
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
-Dick Cavett
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God ... I could be eating a slow learner.
-Lynda Montgomery
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
-Paul Rodriguez
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
-Andrew Mathis
Love your enemies. It will make them crazy.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Sir Walter Layton
Has a passion for alteration
Would to God someone could alter
Sir Walter.
He who remains silent may be a fool, but
He who opens his mouth proves it.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Statisticians know that if you put a man's head in a sauna and his feet
in a deep freeze, he will feel pretty good - on the average.
There are 3 types of people in this world :
Those who can count ... and those who can't!
Two rules for success.
1. Never tell people everything you know.
We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance ?
If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends ?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough !
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb !
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence ?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
She offered her honor, he honored her offer and all night long it was
honor and offer.
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