 | GREEN JOKES | |
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| GREEN JOKES | |
Table of Contents:
- What am I?
- The Best Insurance Policy
- Ang Probinsiyana at Ang Drayber
- Dirtiest Brief Contest
- Ang Mag-Penpal
- The Best Boyfriend/Lover
- Second Thoughts
- PLDT
- ITT
- Ang Mag-Asawang Madyikero
- Salungguhit
- Pahabaan
- Ang Nalaglag na Kondom at Toothpick
- Animal Talk
- With an R, With an R
- Bawal ang Karne
- It Depends Upon Your Car
What am I? beware of what you're thinking, guys.. :
This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.
In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognise the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.
What am I ???
As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own ?????. What were you thinking? You pervert!!!!!
Ang Probinsiyana at Ang Drayber Isang pagkaganda-gandang dalagita ang bagong salta sa Maynila galing sa probinsya, nagbabaka-sakaling masilayan ng mas marangyang kapalaran. Punong-puno ng pag-asa, pero kakaba-kabang bitbit- bitbit ang kartong naglalaman ng kanyang munting kayamanan, kanyang tinahak ang landas papalabas sa maingay at maalinsangang pier na iyon. Kumaway siya ng taksi na walang katiyakang lugar na patutunguhan. Hindi niya maalala ang tirahan ng kanyang mga kamag-anak na matagal na niyang di nakita.
"Saan tayo, miss?" tanong ng drayber.
"Hindi ko alam kuya," sagot ni Neneng. "Bahala ka na."
Tsk, tsk, tsk . . . walang kamuwang-muwang ang bata. Ang mundo ay lubos na mapagsamantala.
"Huwag kang mag-alala," ngumingising wika ng drayber. "Akong bahala sa iyo."
Imbis na tulungan ang walang kamalay-malay na dalagita, dinala ng tarandatong drayber ang binibini sa isang mumurahing lugar (motel). Hawak-hawak na maigi ang kamay ni Neneng, dinala ng kumag ang tulirong dalagita sa silid. Nakikinikinita na niya ang katuparan ng kanyang madilim at kahindik-hindik na pakay.
Mabilis na naghubad ang drayber, humiga sa kama... at sa tinding pagnanasa... nakatindig na siempre ang kanyang...batuta????
"O, alam mo na ang gagawin mo," sabi ng drayber.Dahan-dahan, lumapit ang dalaga, naupo sa tabi ng drayber, kinuha ang kuwan (batuta????) ng lalaki, at papalapit na...
"A, e, tisting 1,2,3...nananawagan po ako sa lahat ng aking mga kamag-anak..."Susmaryosep, biglang natern-op ang lalaki, lumambot ang loko.
"AAAYYY...brown-out," sigaw ni Neneng.Moral op da istori . . . Matalino man ang matsing ay napaglalamangan din.
The BEST INSURANCE POLICY in the WORLD! There were three participants for this contest. The first to come out of the stage was the American. He was wearing a very dirty looking brief. He removed his brief and threw it to the wall. It stuck for exactly one minute before it dropped to the floor. Everyone clapped their hands thinking he would win. Next up was the German. His brief appeared like it had not been washed for years with no traces of its original white color at all. He took it off and threw it to the wall. It fell to the floor after sticking to the wall for two minutes. The audience gave him a standing ovation. Last to come out was Pedro from the Philippines. His brief seemed ordinary and didn't really appear dirty compared to the first two. Everyone knew he would lose. He removed his brief and threw it to the wall but it immediately dropped to the floor. The crowd booed and jeered him. Suddenly, his brief crawled up the wall.Dirtiest Brief Contest There were three participants for this contest. The first to come out of the stage was the American. He was wearing a very dirty looking brief. He removed his brief and threw it to the wall. It stuck for exactly one minute before it dropped to the floor. Everyone clapped their hands thinking he would win. Next up was the German. His brief appeared like it had not been washed for years with no traces of its original white color at all. He took it off and threw it to the wall. It fell to the floor after sticking to the wall for two minutes. The audience gave him a standing ovation. Last to come out was Pedro from the Philippines. His brief seemed ordinary and didn't really appear dirty compared to the first two. Everyone knew he would lose. He removed his brief and threw it to the wall but it immediately dropped to the floor. The crowd booed and jeered him. Suddenly, his brief crawled up the wall.The BEST INSURANCE POLICY in the WORLD! There was this international contest for the best life insurance policy - hey Actuarial Majors take note! a la Miss Universe. Bob Barker was the emcee:
Contestant No. 1 - from an American firm represented by an obnoxious one of those TV-host-late-night-30-minute-commercial types like Amazing Discoveries: "I will insure your child from birth to death."
Bob Barker smiles and says ,"Let's hear it for good old American values." Audience claps.
Contestant No. 2 - from a German firm, represented by a severely, handsome blonde, blue-eyed hunk: "I will insure your child from womb to tomb."
Bob Barker smiles again and says, "There you go."
Contestant No. 3 - from an English firm, represented by a dapper young Englishman in an elegant Saville Row suit with a perfect (but learned) Oxford accent: "I will top them all. I will insure your child, Bob (for a little touch of personality here, which is strange because the English is supposed to be cold, proper and formal) from conception to expiration."
Bob Barker ahhs and the audience is prompted to ahh with him.
Contestant No. 4 - from a Japanese firm, represented by a tall Japanese in a Giorgio Armani. He says in a perfect (also learned) Oxford English: "I will insure your child (whips out a chart) from sperm to worm."
Audience hoots. Bob Barker almost dies.
In a joke such as this, of course the Filipino always comes last.
So:
Contestant No. 5. -- The Filipino. A dignified 5'2" executive with a slight beer belly, wearing a polo barong, of course, (or was that a gray bush jacket?) and holding an imitation leather clutch bag: (in a perfect American accent) "I will insure your child sir, from
erection to resurrection!
HAH!
Bob Barker did have a heart attack.
Ang MAG-PENPAL PARE, sumulat na naman ang penpal ko sa hongkong at may kasama pang piktyur. naku pare, nakabikini lang siya at naku pare nag-init na naman ang paligid kahit nakapul ang erkon. namputsa pare, matindi talaga ang kargada kaya lalo siyang napamahal sa akin kaya ibibili ko siya ng hikaw gintu sigurado ako na sa susunod nyang sulat na me piktyur e wala na syang bikini kung di ang tangi nyang suot e yung hikaw na gintu na lang he he he, hayan mo muna yang kumare mo kasi kapapadala ko pa lang ng pera nung isang linggo kaya solb na solb na yon at ang mga bata e me alawans na naman sa akin kaya dito muna tayo ke miss hongkong sigurado akong maiinggit na naman sa akin sina sisar at rodyir kasi hindi sila pinadadalhan ng mga penpal nila ng piktyur na nakabikini e papano hindi sila marunong mambola na tulad ko, akala kasi ni mis hongkong binata pa ako pero hindi nya alam walo na ang mga anak ko. asang asa pa naman sya na pakakasalan ko sya kapag napadaan ako ng hongkong pag-uwi ko hindi nya alam itetesting ko lang sa kanya itong mga bolitas ko kaya magpenpal ka na rin, pare.
DITAS, pinadalhan ako ng guld ring ng penpal ko sa sawdi, tuwang tuwa raw sya dun sa pinadala kong piktyur na nakabikini e hanggang ngayon hindi pa nya alam na piktyur pa yon ni sunya yung dating de-ets din dito na ginahasa ng amo nya tapos naglayas at naging akyat-barko tapos nagka-eds. paniwalang paniwala si kolokoy na bata pa ako at dalaga pa dahil sa mga pambobola ko sa kanya at sa mga piktyur ni sunya na aking pinadala e hindi nya alam mga dalaga na at binata na ang mga anak ko at matagal na akong biyuda, akala kasi ng mga taga sawding yun sila lang ang marunong mambola e ako pa na marami nang lalaki ang nabaliw sa akin kaya maigaganti ko na sina loyda, mere-an, digna, marisel at iba pang katulad nating mga helpir na domestik na niloko ng mga kababayan natin sa sawdi, kaya sa susunod yung piktyur na naman ni sunya na naliligo sa dyakusi na kuha ng kostumer nyang siman ang ipapadala ko tapos hihingian ko sya ng guld na lidis wats. buti na lang sa kin iniwan ni sunya ang poto album nya bago sya umuwi at mamatay, kaya malaki ang pakinabang ko rito kaya tenk yu na lang sunya kung saan ka man naroroon, ay hop yun anderstan.
The BEST LOVER! Four women were discussing who has the best boyfriend/lover...
Woman No. 1 - I have the best boyfriend. He's an accountant. Enter siya ng enter.
Woman No. 2 - My boyfriend is better. He's an engineer. Erect siya ng erect.
Woman No. 3 - A, wala ng tatalo pa sa boyfriend ko. He's a doctor. Siya ay inject ng inject.
Woman No. 4 - Well, ang aking boyfriend ay Bisaya. Masyadong malambot ang kanyang dila.
Second Thoughts Habang si Mister at si Misis ay nagsisiping sa kanilang kuwarto, kumatok sa front door si Mr. Friendly Electrolux Man. Binuksan naman ng ever faithful an katulong na si Inday ang pintuan. Nang tanungin ni Electrolux Man kung nasa bahay ang mga amo ni Inday para bentahan niya ng mga produkto, takbo naman si Inday para tawagin ang mag-asawa.Katok si Inday sa pinto ng kuwarto, "Maam, ser, mayron pong bisita na gusto kayong bintahan ng elektroloks." Siyempre nasa gitna ng kalangitan ang mag-asawa at ayaw maistorbo kaya napasabwat na lang si Misis, "Pakisabi na lang na we're having second thoughts kaya bumalik na lang siya."
Punta uli si Inday kay Electrolux Man. "Bumalik na lang daw kayo. Naga-si-kan-tots pa kase sila e."
PLDT There was once this Filipino sailor. He was travelling overseas for a year and he begins to miss his wife. Suddenly, he finds out that his ship is scheduled to stop in the Philippines for a few days. He realizes that he doesn't have much money, but he has to send a message to his wife so that she will know he is coming home. Finally, after much trouble, he got in touch with a PLDT office and dictates a cable to be sent to his wife, but he has to make it VERY short to conserve money.
Man: "Excuse me, I would like to send this message to my wife."
Operator: "OK, what is it?"
Man: "To my dearest wife, PLDT, from your loving husband."
Operator: "Your message is only 'PLDT'? Why do you want to waste a word on that? She will know it is from PLDT."
Man: "Yes, that is it. It is an abbreviation."
Operator: " An abbreviation? What on earth can it mean?"
Man: "Oh, it means 'Puki Linis Dating Titi'."
Upon receiving her husband's message, the wife sent this reply:
R C P I (Received Cable Puki Intay)
Another version:
D P I (Dali Puki Inip)
ITT A businessman is trying to reach one communications company for a telex or something. So he dialed an international firm:
Businessman: ITT Co., Makati?
Operator: E, di, kamutin mo.
Ang MAG-ASAWANG MADYIKERO Mayroon daw dalawang mag-asawang madyikero ang nagtatalik. E, medyo yata maluwang na si Misis dahil nakailan na ring anak kaya naman ipinasya ni Mr. Madyikero na gamitin ang kanyang madyik para palakihin ang kanyang batuta.
"Luuumaaaaki kaaaa," aniya ng madyikero. E, di lumaki nga.
E, medyo yata nasobrahan naman ng laki so nasaktan na si Misis so sabi naman ni Misis,
"Luuumuuuwang kaaaa."
E, di balik na naman sa dati si Mister. So,
"Luuumaaaakiiii ka paaaa," ang sabi na naman ni Mister.
Siyempre nasaktan na naman ang Misis. So,
"Luuumuuuwang kaaaa."
Nainis na ang lalaki at kanyang sinabi,
"Lumaki kaaaa ng pagkaaaalakilaki." E, di ganoon nga ang nangyari.
Siyempre, nasaktan na naman si Misis. Kaya,
"Lumuuuuuwang kaaaaa ng pagkaaaaaluwang-luwaaaang."
"Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh." Nahulog si Mr. Madyikero sa bangin.
SALUNGGUHIT Isang araw naglalakad-lakad si Padre Patorkuato sa kanyang parokya at napadaan siya sa may tapat ng bahay nina Aling Edad. Nakita ni Padre si Neneng, ang pitong-taong gulang na anak ni Aling Edad na inaakyat ang puno ng bayabas sa harap ng bahay nila. Napansin niyang wala itong suot na salungguhit (panty) kaya kanya itong tinawag. "Neneng, halika nga rito," wika ni Padre Patorkuato. Nang nakababa na si Neneng, iniabot ng padre ang beinte pesos at, "Hetong pera Neneng, bumili ka ng maraming salawal ha."
Tuwang-tuwa si Neneng na nagtatakbo papunta sa kanyang Nanay at ibinalita ang sinabi ni Padre Patorkuato. "Hmmmm," napagisip-isip ni Aling Edad, "gawin ko rin kaya yon bukas para mabigyan din ako ni Padre ng pera. Pihado, mas malalaki-laking pera siguro ang ibibigay ni Padre sa akin." Samakatuwid ay inakyat nga ni Aling Edad ang puno ng bayabas at ng napadaan si Padre Patorkuato, pinababa niya rin si Aling Edad. "Ano po yon, Padre," tuwang-tuwa at nakangiting tanong ni Aling Edad. "Heto ang beinte sentimos, Aling Edad. Bumili kayo ng gilyet (Gillette blade)."
May tatlong magkakaibigan ang nahuli nag-jay-walking. One is black, the other is white and the third one is a yonip. Well, anyways the judge sentenced them to three years in jail (medyo severe) and will let them go right away if their penises put together will measure at least 20 inches. The white guy showed his and it measured 8 inches; the black guy showed his and it measured 11 inches; the yonip showed his and it measured 1 inch! Eventually they were let go and siempre bidahan na. The white guy said, "If not for my 8 inches we would still be in jail." The black guy said, "If NOT for my 11 inches we would still be in jail." And the yonip said, "You guys should thank me, if I did not get a HARD ON, we would still be in jail." :-oooo (that hurts...)
Ang NALAGLAG na KONDOM at TOOTHPICK
Si Mister at si Misis ay nagsisiping isang gabi ng mahulog ang kondom na suot ni Mister sa loob ni Misis. "Nakup, paano ba 'to," sabi ni Mister. So kanyang sinubukang dukutin sa loob ang kondom pero hindi niya makuha, kaya kumuha siya ng toothpick para ipang-dukot pero nahulog din ang toothpick.
Makalipas ang siyam na buwan, nagsilang si Misis ng malusog na batang lalaki na naka-kapote at naka-tungkod.
There's a guy peeing in a farm.
A goat says, "Me umiihehehe, me umiihehehe."
A turkey says, "Kay laki-laki, kay laki-laki."
Then the cow says, "Oo nga noooooo."
How does a male & female pigeon talk?
Male Pigeon: Patrrruk, patrrruk
Female Pigeon: Trrruk na, trrruk na
The following day, everyone was prepared to be called by the teacher. Juan, who was always daydreaming in class was easily spotted by the teacher. "Juan! Stand up! What is my name?" asked the teacher. Juan was sweating and trembling with fear because he could not remember the teacher's name. The whole class tried to help him by starting to recite the phrase "with an R with an R with an R". Finally Juan exclaimed. "I remember now. Your name is Miss Prekprek!"
During Lenten season, a priest in Olongapo reminded his parish about abstinence. "O, bawal ang meat - kahit na anong klaseng meat" at sinabayan niya ng tingin sa mga bar girls. "E, ano hong puwede naming kainin Padre," tanong ng isang bar girl. "Gulay at saka seafood puwede yon," wika naman ng pari.
"Ehhh, seaman ho, puwede ho ba?" :)
Three men who were friends died and went to heaven. At the gate, St. Peter asked them this question:
How many times did you commit adultery?First Man: Mga 15 times siguro po (about 15 times).Second Man: About 6 times, St. Peter.Third Man: Not even once, St. Peter.
St. Peter: Bueno, you, pointing to the first man, you'll get a used Beetle and you, pointing to the second man will get a Toyota Tercel and you, the good one, will get a Jaguar.And the three friends all went off their separate ways. One day the first man, the man with the Beetle saw the Third guy sitting by a curb crying. The first guy went over to see what the third guy was crying about.
First Man: Pare, why are you crying? Naka-Jaguar ka na nga diyan e! (You have a Jaguar!)Third Man: Yeah, but I saw my wife this morning and she had on rollerblades!
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