I'm very much sorry to the readers who can't understand tagalog (Filipino Language), some of the jokes here are written in tagalog. I tried to translate some but the joke is somehow lost during translation. Because I love those who visit my page, so I made some English jokes here for you to check out. I hope you enjoy your journey to my page...ENJOY ! ! !
Table of Contents:
Ang Chemist
Campus Engineers
Si Donya Kikay at Ang Drayber
A Hairy Experience
The Best Boyfriend
A Man And His Dog
Ang Misteryo ng Toothpick
Battle of the Brainless
Lottery Numbers
Ang Mga Puito
I Can't Tell Which One
Foreign Languages
Ang Emperador ng mga Surot
Matutong Magbilang
Slif op the Tongue
Kuwait Joke
Mga Binti Ni Manong Ken
Ang Ahas sa Kama
Made in Japan
Payabangan Blues
English Jokes
Mga Kwentong Katawanan
Dalawang dating magkaibigan sa UP Arellano ang nagkita sa may sabungan sa Araneta...sundan natin ang kanilang usapan...
Joker #1:
[Parang may namukhaan sa bandang sulok ng sabungan] Pare, kumusta na? Matagal na tayong hindi nagkikita. Anong balita?
Joker #2:
Okay na okay naman. Ikaw, kumusta na?
Joker #1:
Okay din naman, kasi pagkatapos natin sa UP noon sinuwerte ako at nakapagtrabaho sa isang malaking construction company. Ikaw, ano ba ang trabaho mo?
Joker #2:
"Chemist" ako ngayon pare.
Joker #1:
Chemist? Bakit, bumalik ka uli sa UP para mag-aral uli?
Joker #2:
Hindi, "ke misis" ako umaasa...
Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well'" replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all her clothes and says, "You can have ANYTHING you want."
"Good choice," says the first, "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway!"
Sa isang marangyang tahanan ay maririnig ang boses nang batang- batang biyuda na si Donya Kikay, kausap ang kanyang drayber
Pakinggan natin ang kanilang usapan...
DONYA KIKAY: Pedro, puwede ba paki-alis ang jacket ko.
PEDRO: Naalis na po Senyora Kikay.
DONYA KIKAY: At ang blusa ko Pedro, paki-tanggal.
PEDRO: Nnnatanggal na po Senyora.
DONYA KIKAY: At ang palda ko, paki-hubad lang.
PEDRO: Nnnnnahubbad na po Senyora.
DONYA KIKAY: Ngayon Pedro, paki-tanggal ang aking bra.
PEDRO: Nnnnnnnntaaangggal na po Senyora.
DONYA KIKAY: At ang panty ko pleeeease.....
PEDRO: Hubad na hubad na po Senyora.
DONYA KIKAY: Magaling Pedro, Ngayon...
SA SUSUNOD NA MAHULI ULI KITANG SUOT-SUOT ANG DAMIT KO,
SISANTE KA NA !!!!!!!!!
A visiting Kapampangan kababayan was in New York City and it was a particularly windy day. He was standing by a bus stop when the wind blew and raised the skirt of a nice American lady standing near him.
He smiled at her (wanting to make conversation) and said, "It's hairy, isn't it?" (What he meant to say was that it was "airy" - mahangin or windy)
The American lady got mad and hit him with her umbrella and said, Well, what did you expect - feathers?!!!"
Three girls were discussing the kind of guy that one should date.
Says the first girl: "If you want someone who's really handsome, get someone from La Salle."
Says the second girl: "Yeah, but if you want a date who's smart, you want someone from UP."
Says the third girl: "Of course if you want both, you'd want an Atenean."
Nagtataka na si Don Juan at tuwing siya ay naghahanap ng toothpick matapos siyang kumain ay lagi na lamang walang laman ang lalagyan ng toothpick. Tinawag niya ang kanyang mga katulong.
Sino ba sa inyo ang laging gumagamit ng toothpick at palagi na lang akong nauubusan?" aniya ni Don Juan.
Sagot ni Pedro, "Aba, sigurado ho akong hindi ako ang nakakaubos niyan, Senyor Juan, dahil kapag ako ho ang gumagamit, ibinabalik ko rin kaagad!"
Patay kang bata ka...
Host: Ano ang pambansang hayop ng Pilipinas?
Jaena High School: Clue?
Host: Ito ay nagsisimula sa letrang "K".
Jaena High School: Aaahhhh... "K"uto?
Host: Hindiiii.... Eto pa ang isang clue. Katulong siya ng magsasaka sa pagbubungkal ng lupa.
John Forward High School: Aaahhh.... "K"utonglupa...
BEEEEEP...
Host: Hindi.... Ang tamang sagot mga kababayan ay "K"alabaw...
Host: O sige pumunta tayo sa susunod na tanong...
Anong tawag sa mga taong nakatira sa Alaska? Clue: Magkasingtunog siya sa lotion na gamit ni Vilma Santos.
Siroullo High School: Eskinol?
Host: Mali! Eto pang isang clue. Walang letrang "N" pero merong "M"
Jaena Highschool: Eh di Eskimol...
Host: Mali pa rin... Next question...
Host: Sino ang pinakasexing artista natin ngayon na may film na Darna? Clue: Ang initials niya ay A.A.
Siroullo High School: Si... Anthony Alonzo?
Host: Hindi... Babae siya.
Jaena High School : Si... Alicia Alonzo?
Host: Mali! Susunod na tanong...
Host: Ano ang pambansang ibon ng Pilipinas? Clue: Nagsisimula ito sa letrang "M"
Siroullo High School: Aaaa eeehh... Manok?
Host: Hindi... Mas maliit ito...
John Forward High School: Maliit na manok...
Host: Hindiiii... Kulay brown ito....
Jaena High School: Aaaaaahhhh... Lechong manok...
Host: Mali. Ang tumpak na sagot ay "maya."
Host: Sunod na tanong...
Host: Sino ang ating pambansang bayani? Initials niya ay J.R.
Siroullo High School: Jeric Raval?
Host: Hindi, doctor siya e!
Jaena High School: Dr. Jeric Raval?
Host: Hindi, patay na siya!
Siroullo High School: Patay na si Jeric Raval!... (ay naku)
Host: Jose Rizal ang tumpak na kasagutan. Sunod na tanong...
Host: Ano ang pambansang kasuotan ng mga kababaihan? B.S. ang initials
Jaena High School: Bathing Suit?
Host: Mali. E, sa kalalakihan naman, ano ang tawag sa kasuotan. B rin ang simula.
Siroullo High School: Brief?
Host: Hindi, mas manipis pa ito...
Siroullo High School: Bikini brief?
Host: Mali... Baro at saya para sa babae at barong tagalog para sa lalaki. Huling tanong...
Host: Sino ang concert queen ng Pilipinas?
Siroullo High School: Clue?
Host: Ang initials niya ay P.F.
Jaena High School: Pernando Foe?
Host: Mali!
Jaena High School: A... e... , Jr.?
One priest giving the sermon of the day against lottery:
"I know you poor people, when you dream with the number 17, 91 or with the 21 you wake up early and with all the money you have, you buy those numbers. Please God doesn't like this."
When the priest finished giving the sermon one old woman asked him:
"Excuse me, could you repeat the numbers you mentioned just five minutes ago?"
Filipino balikbayan returns to the Philippines after a couple of years in the U.S. He enters a restaurant and the dialogue with the waiter went as follows:
Balikbayan: Do you have piutong piuti?
Waiter: Sir, wala ho.
Balikbayan: How about piutong piula?
Waiter: Sir, wala rin ho.
After a few seconds, the waiter realizes what is going on
and says to the balikbayan,
But sir, we have piutang ina.
Count to 55 using only your 10 fingers:
I-isa
Da-dalawa
Ta-tatlo
A-apat
Li-lima
A-anim
Fi-fito
Fifty-three
Fifty-four
Fifty-five
Count to 20 using only your 10 fingers:
This is uno
This is dos
This is tres
This is cuatro
This is cinco
This is seis
Diceciete
Diceocho
Dicenueve
Veinte
The president of the university called Moose, the star linebacker of the football team to his office. The coach was there. He said, "Your professors told me you've been doing really bad in your academics. I'm afraid I'll have to let you go. I will however give you one last chance. I will ask you one question. If you fail to answer it correctly, you're out."
The president then said: "What is 1 + 1?"
Moose really tried thinking hard. It took him a while. The coach, who obviously needed him in his team was sweating. Moose finally said: "Duhhhhh,...2?"
The coach went on his knees and said to the President: "Please, you've got to give him another chance."
My dad had an accountant who everytime the company had to package plans to send to a client would ask the messenger to "Fack it up well, okay?"
While shopping at SM Megamall, a saleslady was helping me choose an appropriate gift to buy and I happened to be looking at a nice nightdress.The saleslady said, "Fair yan."
Puzzled, I asked, "Fair?"
And she replied, "Oo, they come in fairs!"
A Filipino was arrested in San Francisco for illegal parking. He was incensed. He said to the police, "Why you give me a facking ticket? I only facked here por payb minutes!"
In response to the question, "How often do you smoke?", the Filipino answered, "Two facks a day."
Q: Kung maubusan ng tubig sa Kuwait, saan pupunta ang mga tao? (If they run out of water in Kuwait, where will the people go?)
A: Sa dam. (To the dam ... sa = to).
A corny joke: (better when oral)
Me: What do you call that part of your leg between the knee and food (shank) in Tagalog? You: Ewan ko. (I don't know.) Ano? (What?)Me: Oh come on. Think. (Isipin mong mabuti - Think hard.)You: Ewan ko ba.Me: OK. Binti, di ba? (Binti, right?)Me: So, how do you call two shanks in Tagalog.You: Ewan ko. Will you stop this, get off my back!Me: Well, dalawang binti, so, binti 'tsaka binti, e ... di, kwarinta ... (My God, how am I going to translate this... Well, two veintes, so veintes plus veintes, well, cuarenta. But it has to be said in a thick Visayan accent!)
This is a true story. My wife was born and raised in the Philippines. She lived in a farm in Bacolod where there was an abundance of animals and native creatures, and sometimes extraordinary measures had to be taken to keep wildlife out of the house.
Not long after our wedding, we were lying in bed, when her wandering hand encountered - how shall we put this delicately - undeniable evidence of her husband's amorous frame of mind.
She screamed "Honey, there's a snake in the bed!!!", and jumped.
Outside of the Manila Hotel (new name?), a Japanese tourist gets in a cab and tells the driver to drive him to the airport. On their way, a car zoomed by and the Japanese goes "Aaah Toyota, made in Japan...very faaast!" And then another car zooms by and the Japanese goes "Aaah Nissan, made in Japan...very faaast!" And then another, "Aaah Mitsubishi, made in Japan...very faaast!" By this time the Pinoy cabbie's getting tired of his passenger's nationalistic pride. Upon arriving at the airport the cabbie tells his passenger "400 pesos please." The Japanese goes "400 pesos? It's not that far from the hotel!" The cabbie's reply: "Aaah, taxi meter, made in Japan....very faaast!"
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