Why? That's all I want to know. Why? My thoughts run around my head, as I look at them, so happy they look together. She is laughing, as she always is. Her arm is clutched over his, dragging him along. I look to the rest, who are all smiling, grinning at their happiness. Why don't they understand? Don't they realize that we'll never be like them? We're doomed to be alone, so she can be happy? And what about us? We must be alone, so they can rule a city of the future that doesn't even exist yet? Why is destiny so unfair? She deserves to be happy, just because she's the Moon Princess? Well, excuse me, but I am a Princess too. We all are. What's the difference between her and me? In times like this, I really think Beryl, Rubeus, and the rest of the Black Kingdom were right, Usagi can really be a spoiled Moon brat sometimes. Her cries of "Mamo-chan" pierce my ears, and my teeth rattle, as I clench my fists, trying to suppress the scream I know will leave my throat if I hear it just one more time.

Fortunately, she shuts up just in time. I feel my anger subsiding, and I see my friends haven't changed, they're still smiling. How can't they see what's going on? Are they too blind? Or have they accepted their destiny? Shall I do like them? No! I refuse to be alone. I want to love, and to be loved. My life as a Sailor Senshi will not dominate me, I decide my own destiny.

Suddenly, my thoughts are interrupted by a shrieking voice. "Ami-chan!!" I frown and groan to myself. Luckily for me, my friends are looking at her puppy-dog eyed as they always do, and don't notice my mood change. I put on my mask again, a mask I'm so tired of wearing... you'd think I was forced to wear it, don't you? But this is what hurts the more... I, yes, I chose to wear it, and I'm so regretful now... but I don't have time, she's already by my side, looking at me with those so-like-mine, yet so different, blue eyes. Hers, so full of love, understanding, caring. Mine, on the outside, they look the same, I mean, after 3 years of hiding my emotions, I've learnt to create clean eyes, that don't show my awful past... but you don't know about my past, do you? No one does, not even my mother. I changed a lot back then. I was only a kid, I never knew what was I getting myself into. It was too late when I understood the consequences of my acts, but nothing could be done then. But that's not what we're talking about in here. Maybe, I'll tell you later about it.

"Yes, Usagi-chan?", I say, my voice sounding as it always does. I see her face, her smile, her complete body, irradiating love through every pore. Why can't I be like her? "Ami-chan, please, can you do me a favor?" I stiffen a bit, so undetectable only I can feel it. I know what's coming next. She wants me to give her the homework Haruna-sensei gave us today. I feel the uncontrollable urge to grab her collar, yank her up, and scream to her in her face, that she's a lazy, stupid and damn little girl. But, I only smile again, and say: "Of course. What do you want?" I see her battling her eyelashes, in a gesture so disgustingly cute it makes my stomach turn over. "Please... could you give me our homework?" I was expecting this, but no matter how many times I hear it, I still can't hold my anger. But, I can't show it. I'm the calm, quiet and shy old Ami right? I never get angry, I put the brains on the Senshi, don't I? So again, knowing it won't work, I open my mouth and say: "Usagi-chan, don't you have any interest in studying by yourself?"

Mentally, I follow her exact words, the ones I've heard so many times, and will hear perhaps a thousand more. "Ahhh, Ami-chan. I don't want to work at home! I'd better eat or sleep!" By the corner of my eye, I see that Mamoru starts grinning, as again he realizes how lazy his girlfriend is. I have no anger against him, at least he cares about the future, he's serious, and doesn't ask me for homework every day! But, destiny again, he's not my type. He's too calm, too serious, too much like Mizuno Ami. On the other hand, he was perfect. So impulsive, yet always knowing what to do at the right time... Oh, I'm drifting off again. I see now that Makoto, Rei and Minako are staring at me with the what-are-you-waiting-for-give-her-the-homework type of look. Once again, my anger starts boiling. What? Do they want the homework too? Can't they do anything by themselves? I don't know why I hang with them anymore! Even, why do I keep this masquerade up, although I know I'm missing so many good things in life? But, I already know the answer. If by chance, I threw away the shell I'm trapped in, they would find me immediately.

I know they follow me wherever I go, not understanding why I've changed so much. I used to be so energetic, and impulsive... I bet they're dying to know if I am who they think I am. They can't believe that Suiseki Reiko is Mizuno Ami... sorry, I'm talking nonsense again. I'll try not to give you so many confusing information. But, my time's up. I must answer them. "Oh, alright, Usagi-chan. I'll give you the work." I barely close my eyes, preparing for the answer. "THANK YOU!" she cries, jumping up and down, as the rabbit her name symbolizes. Her voice enters my system, revolutionizing my blood stream. My cells scream with her, as they beg for silence. Then, as fast as she came to my side, she leaves, returning to her beloved "Mamo-chan". Again, I'm alone with myself, and my thoughts start showing their dark side.

But, before this happens, a strong hand rests on my shoulder. I turn around, and I see Makoto, her eyes questioning mine. "Ami-chan, are you alright?" I smile, trying to soothe her. "Yes, I'm fine. Why?" I wonder if I'm loosing my ability of faking my emotions. "Nothing. Just a feeling I had." Hmm, Mako-chan. Maybe you have mental powers none of us thought you had... after all, you're the soldier of protection right? You protect everyone, but you can't protect me... my inner demons are too strong, even for you...

She walks away, and as I look at her, her school uniform swaying back and forth, I can't handle it anymore. I feel as of all my worries and sadness wash over me at the same time. I have to get away. I have to run, run until I'm alone, to the end of the world, up to the top of the Fuji, and just... rest. I'm so tired of escaping, tired of acting a lie, tired of... of life. Yes. I've finally understood. The only way to finish this, is to finish my life. How? Come on, I'm a Sailor Senshi, one of the most powerful beings on the Universe, I can find a way of killing myself. I can jump from a cliff, or throw myself in front of a car. I don't wanna use sleeping pills or poison... my mom's a doctor as you may already know, she'll surely find a way of keeping me alive until an ambulance arrives. I want it to be fast and painless. Besides, his memory will hunt me forever. This way, I can be with him again... together as we used to be... friends... partners... just... together. Oh, why did he have to leave? Just when we accepted our feelings! Why do men have to be so foolish? Why did he leave me out, while he jumped into danger, knowing he wasn't coming back? My love, I'm coming. It's a promise. Just wait a bit longer. We'll soon be together again, and I'll finally be able to rest... sleep forever... forget everything... disappear... at last.

Then, I realize Rei is staring at me, her eyebrows slowly coming down, as she starts frowning. Oh no! I forgot she can feel people's moods. I hope, I beg, she didn't read my thoughts. It will only make this more difficult. Hmm, it looks like she didn't. Her wonder is disappearing, but I can see in her face that the seed of doubt is already planted. I'll have to act a bit more, but for me, it's nothing. Someone who has acted a life, don't you think she could fake a few moments of happiness? I smile openly at her, and see she sighs in relief. Now, I say: "Guys, I gotta go." A suicide requires planning, you know? I see them looking at me, as the oh-so-asked-question reaches my ears: "Why? Ami-chan, we've just arrived!" Then, I say the already by heart known answer: "I remembered I've got a Mathematics exam tomorrow, and I'm only three chapters ahead the rest of the class."

I look at them, wondering how can I tell them the same thing over and over again, and they still buy it every time? I would've thought Mamoru-san would get suspicious, but he doesn't even look worried. I just see them all smiling in "understanding", and leave a few minutes later, after waving goodbye to everyone. Now, at last, I'm alone with my thoughts. I leave the park we were in, and as soon as I'm out of their sight, I start running, running away. I run, with no specific goal, just getting away. My legs move in perfect synchronization, just as he taught me to. One leg after the other, my feet stepping on the floor, just barely touching it, but giving me more impulse than if I had four legs. I start remembering the many times we ran together, swam together, rode horses together, chased animals together... all the times we were with each other.

Now, being alone, I can't hold the unstoppable wave of memories. I lose track of time and space, as I dive deep into my mind. My head is empty, something that lately has being happening to me quite often. There are no thoughts on my mind... just emptiness. Not hard to do if you want to do it, and let me tell you I would love to have an empty mind right now... . it's too painful to be remembering everything over and over again... The rush of the wind against my skin refreshes me a bit, just enough to see where am I going. I look around, wondering where my legs have taken me. I see there're no buildings around, only a big prairie in front of me. A few meters away, a low hill, covered by smooth and deep green grass. I walk to its top, and sit under the shadow of an oak. I look in front, and see that the sun is setting. The sky is full of pinks, yellows and oranges, and everything is quiet, as nature waits for the end of another day.

I remember we watched several sunsets together, sitting on a place very different to this one. I'm on a countryside, while where we sat at those times, was a hard and cold cement rooftop of a Tokyo building. But, as uncomfortable as it may have been, at least I was with him. His mere presence was enough to make the ugliest of the days shine with glory. At those times, we used to talk. Not about our lives, 'cause that was forbidden, but about our feelings and thoughts. I can clearly hear his voice telling me: "Sunset is the most wonderful view in nature. It has the life of a million creatures, but holds death too, as it symbolizes the end of the day, and the beginning of the night."

His melodic voice ran through my ears, making me sigh sadly. I take my knees up, and as I rest my head on them, I think of what happened that day. But, I can't. The view I have in front is so... romantic, I can only remember heart-beating stuff. Like when I met him for the first time... I was crying, and when he entered the room, it all came clear to me. His thick brownish hair, which had these lovely curls near his cheeks, his velvety skin, his strong yet hidden muscles... and most of all, his eyes. His wonderful eyes. Those bottomless pits of green, which had all the wisdom of a century, and the hardness of a lifetime. Yet, when they looked at me, they turned soft, and it was as if his own hands were caressing me, as I let him gaze at me up and down.

Or that day, when he gave me this... I raise my hand, and putting it inside my blouse, I take out a pendant. It's small, and made of gold. On the front, it has the initials IH, and on the back, the phrase he liked so much... "Partners till the end." We had just returned from our... patrol shall we say... successfully? I was beaming with happiness at that time, but everything turned pink when he handed me the little box with this inside. He said it was a gift for being such a wonderful partner. Something to remember me by, he said. I don't need anything to remember him, but the fact that he gave it to me was so unexpected and wonderful... I remember I hugged him after that... I can still feel his muscles against my cheek... even though his chest was covered by a T-shirt, I could still feel his skin... The pendant shines with the little sunlight left, and it's shine makes me close my eyes. For a moment, I can smell his perfume, and the pleasant smell brings to me more memories. Although almost 4 years have passed, if I concentrate briefly, I can smell his essence in the pendant. It's the only thing that keeps me connected to you, yet, the one that makes me sad the most. I wonder... no, I know, you've been watching me from above. Wait just a little more, I'm coming. You won't be alone anymore. We'll be together again, and we'll never separate again.

Hey! What was that? I turn around, believing I heard a low crack. My trained eyes scan the landscape, trying to find the cause of my startlement. My muscles stiffen, and my heart prepares to pump a huge amount of adrenaline through my body, as the long forgotten reflexes seem to awaken. It's been a long time since I was in a situation like this. Not even my life as Sailor Senshi has kept me this worried, or alert 100 percent of the time as my previous job did. Though I'm not complaining, I would have preferred to stay as what I was before. Why do you ask? Simple. In there, I knew what I was fighting against, had my feet on earth all the time, and more important, the enemies I fought were all terrestrial. They were just simple humans, with a lot of power on their hands.

And, the reason that was better for me. I was trained, informed and prepared for every eventuality. Not like this Senshi job I have, in which a black talking cat ordered us to fight something we didn't fully understand, didn't even tell us how to use or improve our attacks and just sent us into battle, hoping we could manage it.

But, I come back to present, and realize I'm in great danger. Whoever is there, can look at me, while I don't even know who he/she is. "Who are you? Show yourself!" I surprise myself. I haven't used this tone of voice, not since that day. My thoughts come abruptly to an end, as a bush rustles in the distance. I immediately turn around to face it, my eyes narrowing to see in the little light that's left. This feeling, of being watched by someone is one of the things I miss of my past too. It's great to feel fear on the base of my spine, but then to be able to turn the situation around.

I prepare to jump and catch whoever is there red-handed. But, as my legs are ready to stretch in a jump which I was trained to do, but later was improved by my Senshi powers, the intruder comes out. I sigh, the breath I didn't notice I had being holding back leaves my lungs. It was just a squirrel. The little animal was the one who made the cracking sound. She has a nut on her mouth, and her little red eyes look at me curiously. I smile, and whisper: "Hi, you little one. You scared me you know?" My voice doesn't scare her. She even comes closer, carrying the fruit. I wish I had something to feed her with.

Then, I notice her big nipples, and understand she has got babies somewhere. "Go. Your babies need you; go." Chirp, Chirp is the answer I receive. The squirrel doesn't listen to me. Oh well, let her stay. It's always good to have someone with you. I look around, trying to see if her home is near, but instead of that, I see that the sun has set. I'm surrounded by darkness, a crescent moon in the sky. Everything is dark, only lighted a bit by the silvery glow of the stars. I'm so comfortable in here, the roughness of the tree trunk rubbing my skin. The night breeze, the sounds of nature... in times like this, I think that the decision of committing suicide was a mistake... .

NO! This is the only way. If I don't do this, they'll find me, and I know I wouldn't be able to handle their questioning. I know they are just a few steps away of finding all the proof they need to prove I'm not Mizuno Ami... I stand up, and with that simple gesture, I unconsciously grab the pendant and yank it off. The chain broke, and the pendant lands a few meters away, with the impact, opening. Cursing a bit, I walk up to it, and pick it up. Then, and for the first time in four years, I look at what's inside. Those pair of innocent blue eyes, the long dark hair... the baby-round face, everything is too much to handle... Violently, I close it, tears coming to my eyes. Why? Why did you have to appear now?, I ask myself, as I brush my eyes, trying to control myself.

But, the pressure has gone too far. The view of seeing her again is too much. I thought she had disappeared forever, that I had killed her... but no. She's there, still inside me, begging for me to let her out. Then, I scream, loud enough for anyone who cares to listen to me: "SHUT UP!! Don't you see I'm doing this because of you? I want to be free again too, but I can't! YOU CAN'T!! Do you hear me? Now STOP!!" I feel her quieting, returning to the deep corners of my mind. I am calm again, no trace of tears, desperation or fury in my face.

I brush my skirt, and ruffle my hair, trying to get out some of the tension I have inside. I've forgotten how uncomfortable it is to wear skirts... but Mizuno Ami wouldn't wear pants, no matter how much I want... again, I'm trapped in a life that's not mine. I've had to learn how to look cold and serious, no mater how I'm really feeling. All I'm doing, is for you... for you, my love. I know you would have wanted me to live a normal life, but that can't be done. I tried to escape, to disappear, but there's no way I can fade from their sight. Once you're in, they won't let you out. They're everywhere, they're everyone. My destiny was set that same day, the day I've tried so hard to forget. It doesn't matter. That day, I also discovered what love was, although it took us a long time to realize it.

I start walking home now, not caring that it's dangerous for a "little" girl like me to walk alone, at night, on a neighborhood like this one. Who cares anyway? I'm 20, and mind my lack of humbleness, very pretty. Quite an interesting prey for any hentai, aren't I? But, be careful. Don't let appearances deceive you. The prey may turn into the hunter if you make her angry. Besides, I'm trained in self-defense, judo, karate and Taekwondo. Everything I could need to survive in the jungle I lived in. Because that's what it was. A jungle. We were the beasts, hunting our prey. But, sometimes, as it happened that day, the victims became the killers, and the hunter is caught. Besides, a few Aqua Rhapsodies, and the thief, murderer, pervert or anything will wish he wasn't even born. Another death is nothing to me, just another line in the wall.

Soon, and with no accidents, I arrive home. All lights are off, as they always are. "Mom" isn't home. She must be at the hospital again. I wonder if she even thinks about me. I'm her daughter after all. Well, not exactly her daughter, but she believes I am... Oh well, I'm used to this. I've grown up on my own, my whole life. Not that I care, but to keep the appearances, I always tell my "friends", I'm worried about my mom working too much. It gives me time to think when I'm alone at this big house. I've meditated a lot, it's the only way of controlling my impulses when I'm with my friends. Acting for a whole day can be totally stressing, you know? And feeling so many emotions, and not being able to show them is the worst of all.

Well, now I'm alone, in a big house, with no one to talk to, and my thoughts keep playing sly tricks on me. There's nothing to do, but sit and think. What I said about the tests I have tomorrow is true, but I know the theme, so I don't need to study. You see, you've heard the rumor that my IQ is over 300? Well, let me tell you it's all a fake (again), so the rest of the students would leave me alone. Really, according to the tests they made on me, my IQ is some place over the 398. Yeah, yeah, I know it seems a lot, but those were the results they got. I'm not proud of it, it didn't do any well on saving the one I loved. I never use all my intelligence, there's no need for it. So, all I need to do is pay attention in class, or sometimes not even that. The fact of me being sitting there, barely listening to what the sensei says is enough for my memory to save all the information he/she speaks.

So, what should I do? If you were alive, Hiroshi, we would be together now... doing what we did every day at those times... if you were alive, I would have never accepted this Senshi thing. I only did at that time because I was lonely, and feeling depressed. It seemed the only way of escaping to me, and I had no other choice... I sit on the couch, not caring to turn on the lights. The stars give me all the light I need... besides, I don't deserve more... I've killed several people, cheated others, and tricked many. My soul is dark, my mind is black, and my heart is empty. More light would only serve for showing the rest of the world my blood-stained hands, my stress wrinkled face, and my hate-dripping heart. Yes, hate. I hate them, the ones who ruined my life, just because I was a kid... they knew what they were doing, yet they did it anyway. I hate my destiny, which has forced me to live alone and wishing I was someone else... I hate myself, for being so weak, for not being able to hold on more, for giving in so easily, for always taking the easiest solution, for... for being who I am.

I can't be myself, I have to take the appearance of another. I became someone else that day... that day... that fateful day... that deadly day... that day... the last day of Suiseki Reiko, and the first of the cold, serious, intelligent yet so exasperating Mizuno Ami. I wish I was a bird, a bird that could fly away, away from my worries, away from everything... but I'm chained to earth, doomed to wait until someone comes and free me... but, my bad luck again, he's dead. And dead people can't come back to life, no matter how much you want them to...

But, if I finish this myself, I would be with him again... I would feel his gaze again, hear his teasing again, see him again. We would be together, as we used to be. Then, I decide it. I will have to disappear now... not as I had originally planned it to be, in one or two weeks, but now. Besides, they say there's no better time than the present, right? Slowly, I stand up, and walk to my room. I look around, knowing I'm not coming back... not that I care. I never liked it, it wasn't for me. My ideal room wouldn't be like this one, but I had to keep my play up, remember? I take the pendant out, and looking at it again, not opening it, I leave it on my night-table, with the "partners till the end" up. Then, I walk downstairs, still in the dark, never tripping on anything.

As I said, I was trained to be undetected, and one of the basic requirements was to be able to walk noiselessly and carefully in a house with no light. I know where every door is, where every piece of furniture stands, where the carpet finishes and the cold marble floor starts... everything. Then, I finish in the hall. Outside, a thunder rumbles in the distance, as the silent witness of my farewell to the house that for three years, called home. I think to myself: Hmm, It's going to rain, perhaps I should take a coat. Silently, I slap myself. I'm going to kill myself remember? No coat, sweater or even the hottest fire in the Universe can warm up the dead...

With a low sigh, I walk to the door. When I'm about to grab the door knob, two things happen: first, a low, yet continuos sound reaches my ears, and I mentally congratulate myself, for knowing it was going to rain. That sound are the rain drops falling onto the roof. A delicious shudder crosses my body, as a think of the wonderful feeling it would be to feel the rain on my skin one more time before I go. And second, and which terrified me to the point of my skin going pale, and my heart stopping it's beating, was the door bell. It ranged once, twice, three times, echoing through my ears. I stopped frozen on track, waiting for whoever was on the other side of the door to go away. I wait one, two, ten seconds, and nothing happens. I beg for the stranger to leave, but he/she seems oblivious to my prayers. After twelve seconds of waiting more or less, it rings again. Again. And again.

Just then a lighting lights the sky in fire. It's so big and fantastic, my mind unconsciously gets the power it had: over 1000 gigawatts. That would've served to light all Tokyo for about two years!! Seconds later, a thunder strikes a few blocks away, shaking the ground and the entire house, and rain now pours as if the world had come to an end. Now, I have no other choice than to open the door. But, I'm reluctant. The fifth sense you acquire while you work as what I used to be, is telling me not to open the door, because it will mean deep trouble. Anyway, I can't think clearly anymore, as the lighting that is shining as strong as the sun, and the insistent ringing on the door are making me dizzy. Ever so slowly, I stretch my hand, and silently take the door knob. Then, I remember I must turn the lights on. I do, and the sudden clarity makes me blind for a couple of seconds.

But then I can see again, and the ringing hasn't stopped. It's a buzzing sound, that is starting to irritate me. It seems as if the stranger glued his/her finger to the bell, and is keeping it there. I analyze the situation, and come to a conclusion: I only know two people who can ring like that, those two being Usagi and Minako. I frown. The ones I want to see the least are those two, but I have no option. Taking a deep breath, I paste a smile on my face, and open the door. There, standing (with her finger on the bell as I supposed), stands Minako. Grinning, I say: "Ok, ok, Mina-chan. I heard you. You can stop now" The blonde stops her motions, and smiles a bit: "I'm sorry Ami-chan. No one came, and I thought there was no one home. Can I come in?" Damn the little girl. All I want is to be alone, but I can't say no, she'll suspect immediately. "Sure. Come in." I step aside, letting her enter my house. Then, I follow her, closing the door behind me.

"So, what's up Minako-chan?" I ask, hoping it's nothing that takes more than ten minutes. "Uhhh... well, it's kinda complicated. You see, Rei-chan told me she had felt something wrong with you today, and wanted me to check it out." Typical of this girl. She always says things directly. She goes straight to the point. But, it made me wince as I heard it. I smile, and walking up to my room (it's normal you know. Every time we need to do some girl talk, we go to the bedroom), I say: "She did? What?" We enter my blue room. Have I ever told you how much I've learnt to hate blue? I mean, it's cute when you see your hair is blue, you find it funny when you find your school uniform is blue, you kinda accept it when your Senshi fuku is blue, but when your OWN BEDROOM is entirely blue, you think it's sick. Believe me, I do.

I sit on my bed, and wait for her to sit down too. Then, she speaks again, those flashes of maturity she gets sometimes taking over her now: "Well, she felt some bad vibes coming from you. She said she had felt weird things on your mind, but couldn't figure what. We were worried, and here I am, asking you. Is it true what she said?" I almost let my jaw drop, as I realize that Rei had really felt what I was thinking at the park this afternoon. But, I hold myself, and stand up. I walk to the window, and press my forehead on the cold glass. Looking at the rain makes me feel calmer. This is one of the things that I agree with when I discovered I was Sailor Mercury, Senshi of Ice and wisdom. Water has always being an important part of me. It feels as my second skin, my other half, my soul. I sometimes feel I'm water, never being able to fit anywhere, always slipping off where I am.

I remain like this for a minute or two. I'm surprised that Minako hasn't asked me again, but innately I thank her. She gave me time to think for a good answer, and now I've got it. As I open my mouth, I hear her voice again: "Who's this Ami-chan?" I stiffen. My whole body stops for a second, as I know she found it. She discovered my secret. She now knows my true identity. I close my eyes, preparing to face what's going to happen next. I breathe raggedly, and turn around. Innocently, I try to ask: "Who's who?" "Her. The one on this pendant," she says, not knowing every word she says is like a knife in my heart.