It's late. It's been a looong day and I'm capping it off with my very first weblog, or blog. And... I really don't know how to begin. I guess I should just ramble.

My site's been up for around... 6 years. Wow. That was kind of unexpected. I'm a Geocities pre-Yahoo member (not that it confers any special status...) which is why I have a .geo affixed to the end of my URL and e-mail account. Geocities was plain Geocities back then, not Yahoo Geocities as it is now, and back then my site was accesible only through the cumbersome http:\\www.geocities.com\Tokyo\Bridge\6692. If that last number is correct.

It was an Evangelion site back then. One single page dedicated to asking people to support the airing of Evangelion in the Philippines. I discovered Neon Genesis Evangelion through the magazine Protoculture Addicts #52 (which was spirited away by a classmate back in college.) I read about Evangelion and it's impact on the anime community and decided it was pretty much worth watching. I finally got my hands on some VHS tapes and watched a few episodes and instantly fell in love with it.

It's a masterpiece of Gainax, also known for Fushigi no Umi no Nadia (Nadia of the Seas of Wonder/The Secret of Blue Water) and Oneamisu no Tsubasa (Wings of Honneamise). The art and animation was the best I had ever seen for a series, and the overall tone of storytelling was deeply emotional and struck a note in my own sad Shinji-self. EVAs were a unique breed of piloted mecha. That fifteen year old kids were piloting it was no surprise. But the elements od the plot revolved not around the outcome of battles but on the characters themselves and their relationships with one another, and I do have to admit I felt a lump rising in my throat a few times watching Evangelion.

No, no. Not romantic relationships, but the human relationships between people and each looking for their place in the world.

There was, of course, extreme critique about the whole story as it ended. Information about which you already know or can easily find on dozens of other EVA sites.

I'll take a step back and ask you to go out watch it if you haven't yet.

I need sleep. I'll get back to you tomorrow. Hopefully I'll have something more or less interesting to ramble about. Responses are always welcome, and I can always add your comments to my blog as well. Mail me!

Ciao!

7:18 PM 7/16/03 - Houston, we have a problem...

Today the girl I'm infatuated with turns 20. She's pretty, she plays the guitar, drums and piano, she loves photography. She isn't just your regular girl. And I decidedly like that in a woman.

Infatuation? Hmm. How did it start anyway? I always thought she was pretty. In a cute sort of way. And I like short hair on a woman. She isn't so much tall. Okay, you Freudian sophists are having a field day.

She's been my neighbor since we moved here, and that was ten years ago. I always felt great if I could squeeze a laugh out of her from a simple joke. I was so infatuated with her, that one time she said "hello" to me, I felt like I was on LSD and the world was small and faraway.

So that was just a once, and I remember being filled so much with boldness I tried to step out of my little shell and pick up the phone and dial her number to ask her if she wanted to chat. She said she was busy looking for a pencil. Perhaps it was true. It probably was. It was a great excuse to get rid of me anyway.

Years pass and I find myself here again, lonely. Fate finds we working with her brother, and this beautiful girl is really being friendly with me, I can't stand being so close to her because I don't think I can ever tell her, so what do I do? I tell her. I tell her everything. I tell her too much.

She seems to be avoiding me, so I get angry. I flame. She doesn't get mad though, being stoic as she is. She can't share my feelings. She doesn't have any emotions, evidently.

We patch things up, we talk once over the phone for perhaps the longest and shortest thirty minutes I have ever experienced. We're friends. But being me, I want more. I know that she's ignoring me again, even if she doesn't admit it. It gets me real mad and well, I tell her that she's a liar and stuff, about things she said that were just to not make me feel bad.

I was angry because I wanted to believe that she had feelings for me, because I couldn't believe she didn't have any emotions at all. She WAS avoiding me. After all, I WAS being a jerk. Trying to hard.

She never says hellos anymore. She never answers any of my messages anymore. We rarely talk. And she never laughs at my jokes. I know it's all my fault. But, I feel that no matter if I had taken my time, she would still distance herself this way if I eventually told her. Sour grapes.

I still wish I hadn't told her. But then I'd be either crazy in love with her or crazy that she didn't love me. It's all said and done.

I'm still crazy about her. I'm afraid I'll never be enough for her, or anyone for that matter. But that's another story.

Well. Why don't you mail me and tell me what a jerk I am. Or something. Comments are always welcome. They just might be posted. Or, they just may be ignored. :-) As Douglas Adams said, this is the new democracy.

Ciao!