GRAVEYARD
Written by Kirri Liepins

Mike pulled up outside the graveyard and looked over at his brother Andrew. "Isn't it too soon?"
Andrew shook his head, unbucking his seatbelt. "It's never too soon. I promised him i'd see him."
"But it's only been two months, Andrew. Give yourself some time."
"I want to do this, okay? If I don't see him now then i'll avoid doing it later on...Do you want to come with me?"
Mike sighed, raising his arm on the side of the car and resting his head against his hand. "No, I...I think i'll stay here and wait for you."
Andrew nodded. He could understand why Mike didn't want to go. Mike wasn't coping well with it at all. Andrew had often found him ducking into empty rooms and public toilet stalls to cry in private. Andrew was upset, too, but he was amazed at how quickly he was learning to let go and keep going. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah. I'm not ready yet, Andrew."
"It's okay. I'll try not to be too long."
Andrew climbed out of the car and walked into the graveyard, searching for the grave. He finally found it sitting under a large tree, seeming to be protected and shielded by the branches and leaves. He stood silently for a moment, staring at the carving on the headstone. The memory of the funeral replayed like a broken record in his mind. So many people had turned up, his family, his friends...just about everyone who had loved him in life and would continue to love him in death. They kept the funeral private - it was what he would've wanted.
Andrew stepped closer and sat on the grass next to the fresh grave. For a moment he was unsure of what to say. How do you open a conversation with a dead person?
"Um...I told you i'd come and see you," he began awkwardly, absent-mindedly fiddling with a strand of grass. "I kept my promise. There's a first time for everything, right?"
He leant back so that he was resting his back against the tree stump. He made an attempt to laugh, not quite succeeding.
"I'm not even going to ask how you are health-wise." He paused, then continued, swallowing tightly. "This is really difficult. I haven't done this before. Not with a close friend, anyway. Um...I don't know what to say. I was trying to compose a sort of speech in the car on the way here, but now it's flown straight out of my head. Mike drove me. He's sitting in the car right now. I don't think he's ready to visit you just yet, so please don't take it personally. To tell you the truth, nobody's really coping all that well. I've tried to put it behind me and carry on, because I know that's what you would've wanted. But it's hard. I miss you too much."
He felt his eyes brewing with tears and wiped his eyes with the back of his sleeve. "Jesus, i'm crying already. I'm pathetic. Well, um, you'd be glad to hear that we're starting to work on the album again. Sometimes it's best to just throw yourself back into your work, so you don't spend so much time grieving for the deceased. But we know our hearts aren't in it quite yet. We're still trying to come to terms with everything...It all happened so fast, didn't it? One minute you're here, filling a room with joy and kindness everywhere you go, and the next you're gone. It's not the same without you. Nothing is. You've left a huge hole in everyone's hearts that will be almost impossible to fill."
Andrew took a deep breath, a bit shakily, then exhaled, trying not to lose composure. "I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad. You know i'd never do that. I just want you to know that...that we all miss you, mate. We wish you were still here, of course, but we know that it's not going to happen, that you're not coming back to us...I hope you're paying attention to what i'm saying. I feel stupid enough as it is talking to a gravestone."
Andrew wiped another tear from his eye, then ran a finger along the top of the gravestone. "I'm sure the others will come and see you when they think they can keep themselves together. They're not trying to avoid you. That's the last thing they'd do. It's just...it's just remembering what happened, remembering that moment when we realised you were gone forever, that hurts the most. It's hard to let go."
Andrew couldn't maintain composure anymore, and let his tears flow freely, staining his cheeks, his hands slightly shaking. He leant his head against the side of the gravestone and squeezed his eyes shut, pulling his knees up to his chest.
"God, I wish we could have you back. We'll never forget you. Never," he sobbed.
As he wept, Mike took slow and shaky steps towards him, his lower lip trembling softly. He dropped to his knees beside his brother and wrapped his arms around him, gently holding Andrew and rocking him in a way that strangely comforted him at the same time. He also began to cry, hanging his head. Through his tears he managed to whisper to the gravestone:
"We miss you, Toby."

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