The Saucy Whore was a beacon of light and activity in the dark stillness of the night. The city gaurd had warned all decent citizens to be in by dark, but to those whose lives started at sundown....there wasn't much the gaurd could do. At the docks, the Red Dwarf bounced emptily on the waves as her crew bounced cheerfully through the drink menu at the 'Whore.

"...so then Namaan looks down at where his arm was and says...'This? This is but a scratch!'"

"Bwa ha ha ha!" Namaan cheerfully downed another clay mug of Heart wine and laughed along with the rest. He was newly arrived at the tavern, having just gotten away from a big party in the posh sections of town. Everybody was pointedly trying not to pay attention to the silver bar that pierced the bridge of his nose. Every party he went to, he came back with another piece of him pierced. Hassim spilled a glass on Namaan's expensive silk robes and was rewarded by a big, wet hug.

"How grashious of you, Hasshim. Sharing your drinksh."

"Bwaa ha ha ha!" Hassim laughed along goodnaturedly and gestured for a refill.

Alia and Jerek both sat uncomfortably near thier captain, niether being prone to drink. Jerek, as a cleric, was inclined to abstain and Alia, as the only female, was not about to provide any opportunity for this lot. 'Besides,' she thought to herself. 'Whose going to make sure this drunken bunch are aboard the ship for morning tide?' She grunted as strong arms caught her about the midsection and swung her onto a lap.

"Hi grouchy!" Lestillion. She hadn't been too sure how to take him now that she knew he was a demigod...but he seemed to be his usual self. She traced her finger over the scars on his face and neck.

" 'm not grouchy." She whispered in his ear. He smiled and a familiar wicked gleam lit his blue eyes up.

"Howsabout we spike Jerek's drink? I've got this stuff here..." She giggled into his silky hair and they both looked slyly over at the stoic cleric who glared suspiciously back at them.

Stumpy sat in the middle of all the hubbub and drunken chaos. His shirt was stained with spilled alcohol and his moutache was sodden. He felt a tugging at his shirt and blearliy looked down into the cat eyes of Tilden, Alia's Lillitihian ward. "Whatcha want me girl?" He growled. Was is okay to bring a kid in here? He thought they had left her on the ship. Slippery little tyke.

"I wanna hear a story. Please Captain???" She was tooo cute when she wrinkled her furry nose like that.

" 'kay. Onsh apon a time....thar was this rich guy.."

"NO." She stomped her foot. "A real story this time. A scary one." Stumpy sobered a bit when he saw the bloodthirsty gleam in her eyes. He kept forgetting Lillithians were raised on bloody tales of war. It would take more than his typical tale. A challenge then.

He stood up and brushed off his moutache. He took a deep breath and bellowed in a voice only a captain could posses; "ALL RIGHT YOU DRUNKEN LOT! Grab a wench and gather 'round. Yer cap'n is gonna tell yer all a tale!" He lept up on the table and kicked a couple of mugs out of his way.

"AYE CAP'N!" Was the drunken response. There was a great shuffling of chairs and some good natured pushing and shoving as everybody settled in. Somebody had the foresight to pass the Cap'n a cup of spirits. He took the proffered drink and chugged it back.

"The wee lass here wants to hear a REAL story. A SCARY story. So hang on to yer britches I've got one all set up. I call this one.."That sonofawhore took me LEG!"

There was some nervous tittering, no one quite sure how sensitive the Cap'n was about his missing leg. He pulled at a moustache and began;

"Some of ye might know ah come from aways north. My clan's digs were beneath the Frosted Teeth, that mountain range what was covered by the cursed black glacier. And as many of ye know, ah am NOT yer typical dwarf. Never much carin' for diggin', I would slack orf and go do mah own lookin'. Suren, ah would dream of the mudderload. Any sane dwarf was greedy. But ah didn' wanta do the work. There had ta be an easier way."

"Ar! An' ye found it! Didn' ye Cap'n!!" Chanted his pirate crew.

"Aye! Ar ar." He grinned hugely at his crew. "But I didn' know then what ah know now, so I wandered the depths of the bowl lookin' fer treasure and raw minerals." He shook his head at the thought of all that wasted youth. "One day I figured I had seen all ah was gonna goin' abou' tit the way I were, so I packed up me pick and some vittles and determined to see me way all the way to the very crust itself."

There were nods from the inner crew, many who had known Stumpy since the days of the 'Lady. He was just that stubborn.

"Weren't you afraid you would fall right through the bowl?" Asked a breathless Tilden.

"Ar! No lassie. Tweren't even in me head."

More nods from the inner crew. Just like Stumpy to do his thinking after the fact.

"I travelled until me vittles were low an' I had to ration meself to one half a salty bic every two days. I ate some of the strange growing bits, akin to mushyrooms they were.. They did nasty things to me inners..."

There was a bit of laughter. As if there were anything Stumpy couldn't eat. He glared for silence.

"I went far past the digs of me ancestors and stumbled into ways so old they were foriegn to me. Strange were the pictures on the walls, and the makin's of the floor and supports. Strange but solid. Like they were grown in place and not carved. Mostly the pictures were worn away by time, but here and there ye could see critters what looked akin to Xarguss and Mitr. There were critters with three waving arms, like an octopussy, instead of legs, and even stranger shapes the further down I went.

I ran out of vittles and me only saving grace were the fresh waters that were in abundance. Little pools and streamlets followed complicated designs in the floors and walls. More strange growths grew along the edges of the waters and these were mighty tasty when spiced with hunger." He stopped and made a great show of licking his lips.

"Speakin' o' thirst...I feel like an elf in tha desert. Scrawny and dried up!" He flew off into raucous laughter, joined by Jerek and Tilden. The deadpan looks from the rest of the crew spoke strongly of the elven majority in the room. Jerek handed the cap'n a drink, still chuckling over the joke. Stumpy grunted. "Must be elves haven't got a sense of humour." He chugged back the golden liquid and smacked his lips together in appreciation.

"This isn't really scary." Commented Tilden in a bored voice. "And where's the blood? Where's the monsters? Did you really not see ANY monsters all that way down?"

"Aye...there were monsters o'course. But they weren't nothin' compared to the creature I saw at the end of the tunnels. Thought you'd only want to hear about the important one, lassie. Course, if I'm boring you....I can just stop." He sat down on the table top and crossed his arms grumpily.

"Look," Whispered Hassim to Lestillion and Alia. "It's a grumpy stumpy." They giggled together.

"Please do go on, Captain." Namaan was on the edge of his seat, and in danger of falling off being as drunk as he was. Hassim steadied him.

"Ar, C'mon Cap'n! Don't listen to the little tit!"

"Whose a tit?!" Exclaimed Tilden, pulling a Tilden sized knife out and brandishing it.

"ENOUGH!" Roared Stumpy. "I'll skip the 'boring bits' and cut to the chase." He threw a 'hairy eyeball' Tilden's way and she made a sign to ward off the evil eye. "SOME of you may be knowing the way of a dwarf and how a dwarf always knows how far he is to the crust." A few scattered nods, and many blank looks. "Well, I was feeling the crust to be just beneath me feet when I saw it. At first I were thinking t'were an elf or faerie. Jiggered me good to be thinking a scrawny elf had beat me to the crust. But t'weren't no elf..."

"What was it?" Demanded Tilden as only the young can. Namaan and Hassim waxed philosophical.

"What seems an elf but isn't?"

"Nay friend. Ask instead, what isn't an elf but appears such?"

"Indeed verily...a very nicely posed question. You are a gentlelf and a scholar."

"Well one must act as one is inclined by nature..."

"Knock it orf you mates! Yer being silly. I'm tryin' to tell a story here."

"Sorry Cap'n. Pray, continue."

"Now where was I...tweren't no elf." Stopped and stared at Namaan and Hassim, but they were silent. Grinning, but silent.

"I think you said that part already, Cap'n." A glare snapped Tilden's mouth shut.

"It were in the figure of an elf, but when it looked up at me, the whites o'his eyes were black as Peg's villanous heart. It were starvin' by the looks of it, and sufferin' from lack of water. That struck me strange as it were half lyin' in a streamlet of the fresh stuff. That what I had been drinkin'. Me heart, I was young and foolish, was moved by the sight; so I stepped forward to offer 'im a bite and sip.

His mouth worked painfully and a hoarse cry escaped 'is mouth just as a great, black tendril swung at me from beneath 'is hair. The force of it was so great it knocked me back a step and I felt the wind leave me sails. It were all ah could do to fend orf the waving wigglies with me pick." He swung his cup dramatically, spraying his audience with golden droplets.

"The elf feller stood up just as me feet were yanked by a wiggly. I hit the stone hard, and tried to roll free, but there were none o' that. Wigglies were all over me, dragging me towards the scrawny monster what had sprouted 'em. The feller's eyes were glowing red against the black orf 'is whites and 'e reached fer me wit' 'is shaking arms." Stumpy went to drink from his cup and found it empty. He glared suspiciously at Namaan who drunkenly offered him a refill. Stumpy swigged back the ale and continued.

"It were then I noticed somt'in mighty strange about them wigglies. Besides them bein' wiggles what come from a wierd elf's back... Each wiggly was tipped with as fierce a set of teeth as you'd see on a shark. 'Bout time I realized how much danger I were in, I felt a ferocious pain rip through me leg. To me horror, a wiggly had torn a great piece o' me leg right from the very bone itself! I screamed blue murder and wiggled mightily meself. Some god, prolly the one what looks after stupid, beardless, dwarves must 'ave heard me because I suddenly felt the wood o' me pick's handle in me calloused paw. Years o' forced labour had made me aim true and I took the elf, what were no elf, square between 'is murderous eyes. There were a scream like a banshee's come from 'im then 'e fell into me arms. E' whispered somt'in in me ear and 'is 'and gripped me shoulder tight. There were a flash and fiery pain shot into me shoulder. I threw 'im orf me and to me horror, the wigglies tore another strip orf me leg. The seemed frenzied by the blood. The same madness what takes sharks. Desperately I moved beyond the wiggly range. I were losing blood quick and there were little black dots dancin' before me eyes.

There were a rustlin' beneath the dead elf's hair. Too weak to move I watched as a creature emerged. It were round and black, like a ball. The wigglies belonged to it. It were flopping around, trying to 'ead in me direction. It 'ad no legs, but it 'ad small wormy fingers on it's backside that were bloodied and trailed gobs o' gore and bits o' bone. Like it 'ad been diggin' into the back o' the dead man. As I watched it, it split open and a bloodshot eye stared out at me. It had small whorls playin' in it's coloured bit, and I found meself being lulled to sleep. I knew then I were dead. Me leg had been mostly stripped o' flesh and showed ghastly white bone, I were too weak to move, and me pick were still stuck in the dead man's skull."

Stumpy finished off his cup and tossed it to the flagstone floor with a mighty crash. Everyone in the room jumped. Steel flashed quickly and there was a gathering of magic. Panicked glances gave way to sheepish grins and pink cheeks. Stumpy grinned.

"There were a flash and a whistle. A great lance o' bone skewered the thing, spraying green gunk up the wall o' the hall. In me state, I can remember seeing tall men, like the dead one. They wore strange garb, and spoke a language unlike any I 'ave 'eard to this day. They roughly handled me, and strong herbs were crushed fer me to sniff.

When I came to, I were in the hall alone. There were no sign of me battle or the men. I felt weak and hungry but, I were alive. Next to me were a skin o' water and some of the growths. I took a swig and nearly lost what was in me stomach. It were me first taste o' the salty brine. I dumped the foul seawater and refilled with the sweet spring. But, somethin' weren't right. I looked to the floor and saw a line and intricate drawerings cutting across the hall. There were a strange glow come from 'em, and I knew 'twere magic. Then it hit me.

I felt down me hip, me thigh, and when me hand went to move lower, there were naught. Those sonovawhores took me LEG!" He jumped off of the table, swiped an ale and settled back into his chair, smirking at his stunned audience. It was a couple of minutes before anyone spoke.

"That's it?!?!" Tilden broke the silence. "How did you get home? Where did you get the wooden leg? Did you ever look for those men? Did you get revenge?"

"THAT's another story lassie. Orf to bed witcha now." Tilden stuck her hands in her pockets and grumped out the door, slamming it loudly behind her.

"Cap'n, that is an incredible story. I'd like to pick your brains later about it." Namaan seemed completely sober now. Sober and curious.

"Nope. Ain't got more to tell ye Namaan. Nor ye Hasssim. Keep yer wizard and wordsmith questions to yerselves." Namaan looked at Hassim who looked at Namaan. Namaan smiled.

"There is still a party raging somewhere in this city that needs a song and a few tricks..."

"Let's." Namaan chugged back half a bottle and passed it on to Hassim as the two left the tavern in search of the buzz they had lost with the telling of the story. The crew filed slowly out as the first of the inner crew took thier leave. They would sail with the dawn, and if they weren't aboard, the Dwarf would sail without them.

"Ridiculous." Muttered Jerek. "It would have been impossible to make the journey back. Tall tales, nothing more. There isn't life on the crust." He was still muttering disbeliefs as he quietly departed. Alia crept towards her adopted father and Captain.

"Did it really happen like that?" Stumpy regarded her over the top of his mug. Lestillion stood quietly in the background. Having seen things most mortals never would, he would offer no comment. Stumpy shrugged his shoulders and finished his ale.

"Believe whatcher will girly. I were simply spinnin' a tale fer the lassie. Does it matter if'n it were true?" Alia's green eyes burned with curiousity. Lestillion shook his head and pulled her away. He whispered something in her ear and they slowly mounted the stairs leading to the upper rooms.

Alone with the barmaid half heartedly wiping down tables and a full bottle of heart wine in his hand, Stumpy's eyes glowed green with emotion. He took another swig and wearily rubbed at his shoulder. Seems like whenever he thought about that story, the burn scar on his shoulder itched. Perhaps, it were the dead man's touch...not letting him be forgotten....