Without You

by Arcina
 
 
 

[The wheel of time turns. The present gives way for the future, where the present is but the past and the past is just a
memory.]

He walked through the stone pavement slowly, unmindful of the rain that beat down over his head, drenching him,
soaking his clothes and his skin. He simply did not care. Not now. Not ever. The gale lashed at him sharply, the wind's
cries rising to a keening wail, a lament that matched the one that echoed quietly in his soul.
 
 

     Never even thought to cry
      When I heard you say good-bye
      Never said where you were going

[A swirling vortex where the present dwindles into nothing and the past comes back to hunt us. Where the bands of
time quiver and break and coalesce to return to a time twelve months past.]

"Oniisan!"

Hiei paused in mid-flit, his sister's voice acting as an anchor that rooted him firmly to the ground where he stood.

"Niisan," softer this time as she stopped a mere arms-length away from him. "I want you to keep this."

"Yukina..." It was all he could get out before the timid Koorime took ahold of his hand and pressed something firmly
against his palm.

He looked down. Time stopped as he stared at the identical pearl gems.

"Who did this?" He hissed, the sinister look that his sister always succeeded in banishing, returned with a vengeance.
"I'll kill him!" He seethed, his hand resting on the hilt of his katana. "What did he do? What did he do to hurt you?!"

Yukina held him tightly to keep him from barging into the house. "Onegai, settle down. It's not what you think!"

For one of the rarest of times, Hiei ignored her, thoughts of running his katana through that orange-topped ningen
overriding his senses.

"Hiei!" A gentle, yet sharp and reprimanding tone.

Hiei stilled, eyeing Yukina in surprise. Hiei? She had called him, Hiei. Since the time she had learned that he was her
brother, not once had she called him by his name. She used it sometimes, but always with a –niisan or an –onisaan
right after.

She blushed under his gaze and she bowed her head. "Gomen nasai. It's just that..." She picked the gems she had
given him and held it up for him to see. He blinked as he noticed what she had done to them. Both gems were
dangling from a delicate silver strand, the stone held to the chain by a slender metal wire that she had twisted and
affixed on the pearl and the strand.

A hand flew up to grasp the stone that hung around his neck. Their mother's teargem.

Yukina nodded, responding to the silent question manifested in her brother's eyes.

Hiei swallowed. "Why?"

A vision of sadness entered the usually genial countenance, one that was quickly hidden as a smile appeared on her
face. "So that you won't forget. And so you'll have a reason to come back." She told him, returning the soft hued
jewels to him.

"You are my reason for returning." He whispered softly, clutching the gems tightly in his fist.

An almost wistful smile appeared, one that softened her features even more. "I know. But perhaps someday, even that
won't be enough." She shook her head and her face lit up, giving him an encouraging glance. "But the Makai awaits
your presence. I am sorry for delaying you as it is."

He gave a curt nod. "I will return when I can, Yukina-chan."

She smiled. "Goodbye, Niisan."
 
 

     There's no laughter in the air
      Only silence everywhere
      And so much left unspoken

[The desolate plains of the Makai, mountains jutting up in the distance. The winds blow and die at the same breath
and night lies supreme in the vast void of the barren land.]

Hiei greeted the silence with one of his own. His mouth turning down into a grimace as memories of Yukina's words
hunted him.

'...someday, even that won't be enough.'

It had always been enough. Always. A year — two years, he would be gone. But he would always come back. Always.
Because she was there.

Could she possibly have meant something else by it? Could he have been stupid enough not to notice?
 
 

     Since you've been gone
      I haven't been the same
      I wish that I could see
      Who's to blame

[A slight shift in the wheel, a journey to a moment only days prior to present time.]

"Hiei."

He snarled, grimacing at Mukuro. "What do you want?"

He didn't want to hear it. She knew what she wanted. He knew what she was going to say. He had been ignoring his
duties in her army. So many youkais under his command had died because of his neglect. Too many lives perished for
nothing.

"I want you to rest. Perhaps spend some time on your own. Give yourself time to think things over, to adjust." She
said quietly, knowing Hiei's would-be outrage at hearing her words. But he had left her no choice. She had to do it.

"I don't need time to adjust!" He snapped, turning his back to Mukuro.

Mukuro sighed. "I do not want you dead, Hiei. And you've been courting death ever since – "

"Don't talk to me about death." Hiei growled, whirling around to glare at her. "You have no idea what it's like!"

Mukuro bowed her head. "I will not be expecting your services by tomorrow."

Hiei stared at her in surprise. She was serious. She was taking away the one thing that he had used as his refuge. A
retreat from the agonizing reality which he had been trying to escape from...trying in vain to forget. He almost laughed
out loud. Who was he kidding? He would never forget. Never be able to forgive himself.

The carnage was his way of atoning for not being there. His search for someone, something, to put the blame on.

In a moments notice he was gone.
 
 

     Was I lost in you and me
      To the point I couldn't see
      That what we had was dying

They had been brother and sister. Twins. The bond that existed between the two of them was one equated by few. He
should have felt it when that bond had begun to diminish. Known before it was too late. Been aware of the rift that had
been growing between them.

She hadn't wanted him to know. She'd always been so selfless, always putting herself last. Had she felt the pain then?
Before he had left?

She had said her goodbye. He hadn't.
 
 

     Now it's all that I can do
      To see photographs of you
      And stop myself from cryin'
      I should learn to live without your love
      Got so many memories, but it's not enough

[Scenes of Hiei's life with Yukina flashes through the void. The first time he had seen her, when they had saved her
from that bastard who had held her captive. The years when she hadn't known he was her brother. Her complete and
total trust in him, her belief that he'd be able to find her twin brother. Happier times. When she had finally learned who
he really was. They'd been together finally, brother and sister. Wedding bells. Not even that fool Kuwabara had had the
strength enough to tear them apart. He had allowed her to marry him, simply because she had wanted to.]

They were together, it was all that mattered.

He had thought they'd live forever.

He was wrong.
 
 

     Without you, where do I belong?
      Without you, how can I go on?
      No love but yours will ever do
      Tell me how am I supposed to live my life without you?

[A disturbance in the current maelstrom, time mends into itself and returns to the present.]

The rain had stopped, the winds hushed into a gentle, caressing breeze. Yet, the skies remained overcast, as though
to respect the wishes of the solitary figure that walked under the soft blend of the white and gray marquee.

Stones lined both sides of the trail he followed. Every now and then a perfect replica of an angel or a deity carved in
stone or marble accentuated the placidity of the tranquil ground.

To Hiei, all things passed unnoticed as he continued on down the sodden path. His thoughts elsewhere. Wandering
back to a time when life to him meant the next time he would be able to practice his skills in thievery. Or the next time
his katana smeared with the blood of an enemy, his nostrils filled with the sweet stench of death.

Life to him then had been a lie. But those years of senseless living had ended when he had learned about her. Yukina.
His twin sister. He had had a mission. A goal that had actually been worth fighting for.
 
 

     I feel helpless and oh so all alone
      Like I've never felt before
      You made me feel alive
      But I don't remember what it's like anymore

Hiei stared at the gray slab with empty eyes, his mind void of all things, except for one thought. A name. A single
name, which had haunted his minds eye ever since he had found out. Ever since he had learned.

Too late! He had known too late.

He fell on one knee, one hand clutching the ground in consternation. Black gems fell on the damp grass, cluttering the
verdant sign of life with the ebony shade of death.

He looked up to read the name etched on the marble stone.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He whispered, the agony sending him to the edge of the world, as he knew it. "I wasn't there
for you. I should have known. Should have known when you said goodbye."

He traced the letters deftly with his fingers.

"Yukina."
 
 

     Without you, where do I belong?
      Without you, how can I go on?
      No love but yours will ever do
      Tell me how am I supposed to live my life without you?

[The wheel of time continues its journey. The past and present fades and life goes on.]

Hiei watched them from a distance. They were laughing and playing, so innocent in their joy. So very much like
Yukina. Shizuru and Kuwabara was with them. He was glad at least that Shizuru was there to help watch over them.
He didn't completely trust Kuwabara with that.

Shizuru looked up and looked directly at him. She smiled slightly and motioned for the kids to come to her.

He didn't move.

They ran up to him. Shouted joys of delight reached his ears and before he knew it, he was knocked unto the ground
by two squirming bodies on top of him.

"Ojisan!" Bright red-eyes stared down at him happily. "You came back!" She quipped gleefully, sea-green hair falling
down to tickle him slightly on the cheek.

He grunted and sat up, which was as far as he could go with the children clinging to him.

Aniku rested her head on his shoulder. "Oniisan and I, missed you!"

Hiei swallowed, his throat felt tight. He turned to look at the young boy. He had his father's eyes, as well as the same
vibrant spirit to fight. But the jet-black hair that crowned his head could have only come from Hiei.

"Have you been caring for Aniku, Kitare?" He asked quietly.

The boy nodded his head vigorously. "I have, I have!"

Hiei smiled. "I brought something for you."

Two pairs of eyes widened. "What is it?" They asked simultaneously.

Hiei hesitated for a moment before pulling out the twin gems Yukina had given him. "Your mother gave them to me.
She wanted you to have them." He explained, as he put it on each of them.

They stared at the pearls in awe.

"Kaasan?" Aniku whispered softly, touching the pearl almost reverently.

"Domo arigato gozaimasu." Kitare said, holding his mother's gift tightly in his hand. He looked up at Hiei. "I'm glad you
returned, Ojisan."

He held both of them tightly. "You're my reason for coming back."