*It all begins with a black screen.*
Music: Hello, hello, hello...What a wonderful word: Hello! Hello, hello hello!
You hear it wherever you go...
Dick Clark Voice: We interrupt this program in progress to bring you this
fabulous deal! A musical collection surpassed by none- Clef’s Favorite Hits!
This compilation can be purchased as CD, cassette, or even, for a short time only, as a
video of musical performances! There are such treasured favorites as... *The screen
lightens, Clef and Jo are in a martial arts dueling arena* Kung-Fu Fighting! *A gong
sounds, the two bow*
Deep Voice: Fight!! *A classic oriental riff is heard, and the fighters get in ready
pose*
Music: Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting... *two start kicking each other’s butts*
Fast as lightning...
Dick Clark: *Over the music, which is fading, along with screen* And who
could forget that line dance favorite! *Clef and Jo are in a clean white room, wearing
silver outfits*
Music: It’s electric! *Sparks fly through the walls*
Boogie-woogie-woogie-woogie! *The two are getting down with their bad selves*
Dick Clark: And of course, everyone’s favorite medley! *Jo is in a biker
chicklet outfit, Clef is a cop, his Rubber Ducky is an Indian Chief chick, M is in a
construction worker uniform, Nuriko is in a sailor outfit, and his Infamous Generic
Cowboy is a cowboy, no da. They are all in a line and do each song’s respective
choreography*
Music: In the Navy, you can sail the seven seas, in the Navy, be all that you can
be, in the Navy, in the Navy, in the Navy,... I love to stay at the YMCA, YMCA. You can
keep yourself clean, you can have a good meal, you can do whatever you please... Macho,
macho man! I want to be a macho man! *At this, the girls start slowing down in the
motions, looking confused. The guys all dance even harder* Macho, macho man, I want
to be a macho- Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Dick Clark: Certainly we include Casey and the Sunshine Band!
Chichiri: *He pops in with his hat, accompanied by Jo and Clef. They’re in
Flower Child/Krishna outfits*
Music: That’s the way, no da, no da, I like it, no da, no da. That’s the way, no da,
no da, I like it, no da, no da. .. Shake shake shake! Shake shake shake! Shake your booty-
NO DA!! Shake your booty- NO DA!!
Dick Clark: How ‘bout something even more...chipper! *M, Jo, Tiffany(aka.
Cleffie’s Rubber Ducky), and Nuriko are in short pink slickers, holding cute pink
umbrellas*
Music: Humidity is rising... the clouds are getting low... according to our
sources... the street’s the place to go! Tonight for the first time, at just about half-past ten,
for the first time in history, it’s gonna rain BISHONEN!!! *SDs of Hotohori, Nakago,
Tasuki, Kouji, Chichiri, Mitsukake, and Clef start falling from the sky, bouncing off the
umbrellas* It’s raining men! Hallelujah! It’s raining mens! Every specimen... Tonight I’m
going to let myself get absolutely soaking wet! ! It’s raining mens! Hallelujah! It’s raining
mens! ... God bless Mother Nature! She’s a single woman too... she took on the heavens,
and she did what she had to do-ooh.. she fought every angel, she rearranged the sky, so
that each and every woman could find the perfect guy...!
Dick Clark: Sorry to interrupt, ladies, but... I do have an infomercial to run here.
Ahem. Here’s another one that’s neat-o keen!
Music:
Clef: *In drag at a mike, lip sync-ing in a kareoke bar. He croons soulfully.*
Give me time to realize my crime. *Did anyone else see the “Wedding Singer?”* Let me
love you still. I have danced inside your eyes. How can love be real? *two beats* Do you
really want to hurt me?
Jo: *She is sneaking up behind him, furiously superdeformed, brandishing a
blunt object.*
Clef: Do you really want to make me cry?
Jo: *She leaps upon him, he cuts off with a strangled shriek, and she beats him to
a bloody pulp. Calmly, normally, she looks up as she dusts off her hands* Yes.
Dick Clark: Well then! I have a record requested by the... New Tokyo Center for
Disease Control?
Music:
Mitsukake: *He is in a white leisure suit with an open neck black shirt and
excessive gold chains. He is dancing on a light-up tile floor in a club An instrumental
version of “Stayin’ Alive,” comes on.* . Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive. Ah,
ah, ah, ah, stayin’ ali-i-i-ive... *John Travolta impression, no da.*
Dick Clark: Here’s another time-honored number!
Music: * Jo is wearing a long black wig, and hippie outfit. Clef is in a short black
wig, with a moustache, in a fringed vest. They are on a hippie stage.*
Put your little hand in mine, together there ain’t no mountain we can’t climb. I got you,
babe. I got you babe...
Jo: *She rips off the wig, and yells in frustration.* This sucks! I quit!
Dick Clark: WAIT! YOU CAN’T!! *He frantically puts on a new record.*
Music: *It’s another instrumental, the Bunny Hop.*
Jo: *She freezes* WAI!!! YAY!! *She pulls on a bunny costume, with the girls
and Clef, as well as Nuriko, Tasuki and Kouji. They all do the Bunny Hop*
Tasuki: *He snarls.* Why do you keep making me do this!!! *He is held captive
by the music, unable to stop bunny dancing* LEKKA SHINEN!!!
Jo: *Krispy Kritter.* Itaaaaaaai!
Tasuki: *Maniacal Bandit Laughter.* DAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Dick Clark:SO! ... here’s another sample.
Music: *Cue a glowy yellow scene, Clef and Jo are in sunflower costumes* You
are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey. You’ll
never know, dear, how much I love you. So please don’t take my sunshine away...
Music:
Clef: *He is wearing a big spider costume.*
Jo: *She sings* The itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout.
Clef: *He is shown climbing*
Jo: Down came the rain and washed the spider out!
Clef: *A prop guy is standing above him on a ladder, sprinling water on him
from a teacup.*
Jo: Out came the sun and dried up all the rain
Clef: *The prop guy has a Sun-Lamp(tm), and is shining it on Clef*
Jo: ... and the itsy-bitsy spider went up the spout again...
Dick Clark: Hey, while this next one may be pre-historic, it’s definitely not
extinct!
Music: *Clef and Jo are in dinosaur costumes* Everybody up, get on the floor!
Everybody walk the dinosaur!...
Dick Clark: Here’s another favorite- it’s really Dino- mite!
Music:
Barney: *He tromps in, big and purple as ever.* Hi everybody! I love you, you
love me...
Jo and Clef: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *They scream and run in
terror. A massive Charles Barkley appears, and proceeds to beat the living daylights out
of the Purple One*
Barney: *Afterwards, it has an eye hanging out of its socket, and most of its
stuffing gone, as well as its tail being ripped off and its head is on backwards.* Charles
told me that I'm special....
Dick Clark: Ow! Ow! OW! STOP HITTING ME, I GET YOUR POINT!!!
*Slightly thrashed, he returns.* So now we have the tale of a fateful journey...
Music:
Jo and Clef : *They sing.* Now sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a
fateful trip that started from this tropic port aboard this tiny ship. Aboard this tiny ship.
The mate was a mighty sailing man, * Chichiri in the Gilligan hat* the skipper brave
and sure, *Close in on Mitsukake in a nautical outfit, with an anchor tatoo* Five
passengers set sail that day for a three hour tour. A three hour tour. The weather started
getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed. If not for the courage of the fearless crew, the
Minnow would be lost...*See ship crashing on waves* The ship struck ground upon this
uncharted desert isle, with Gilligan *It’s Chichiri*, the Skipper, too. *Mitsukake* The
Millionaire *Tamahome* and his wife *Miaka*. A movie star *Hotohori head shot,
looking buff* the professor *Chiriko with glasses and books* and MaryAnne *Nuriko in
a beehive* here on Gilligan's Isle! *A large group of natives thunder out, screaming in
their native tongue, wearing grass skirts, hoisting boar spears, led by Tasuki and Kouji*
Dick Clark: And now it’s time for a rousing finale!
Music: *All the FY people, Tiff, Jo, M, Clef, Austin Clones, Generic Cowboy,
She-Rah, and everyone else in on the insanity is in a dance hall, wearing slightly odd
clothes* LET’S DO THE TIME-WARP AGAIN!!! It’s a jump to the left... *All jump*
and then a step to the right... *All step* Put your hands on your hips *Hands on hips*
And pull your knees in tight! *Do so* It’s a pelvic thrust *Back and forth* that really
drives you insane *Lean in a circle* Let’s do the Time Warp again! *Jump in a new
direction. This Fades directly into...
Music: *All are in Vegas Headliner outfits, complete with feather headdresses.*
We are family! I got all my sisters with me, yeah. We are family! *They all turn out in a
chorus line, doing the shimmy and Rockette kick* Get up everybody and sing! We are
family! *Clapping hands over head* I got all my sisters with me! We are family! Get up
everybody, get up everybody, get up every body and sing! *All in a final, draping
pose*
Dick Clark: *He walks out, his clapping echoing in the otherwise silent hall.*
Wasn’t that the cream? *Clap clap clap.*
Tasuki: *Through gritted fangs, he mutters.* Can I leave now? This thong is
-killing- me...
Nuriko: Do I get to keep the costumes?
Jo: This was sooo fun!
Charles Barkley: If I don’t get out of these sissy clothes soon, someone’s gonna
get hurt. You want a cross-dressing NBA star, call Rodman. This wasn’t in my contract...
Clef and Chichiri: *In a lovely and melancholy duet, the scene fades to black to
the fading strains of their harmony.* Catch me lucky chaaaaaaaarms..... they’re magically
delicious!
I would like to add additional disclaimers... none of the songs are original, I’m
positive I’ve screwed up half the lyrics, I have no rights to any shows or characters that
found their way into my boredom-induced delusions... And that about covers it. I hope
you enjoyed the ride! I certainly have.
Much love from the Perpetrator
