i got to work around 6:45, and by 8:00, i think i already knew my patient wouldn't make it. that was when i started calling doctors. i talked to three, and one said, to call him when the patient was "off the ventilator". It was difficult talking to the family in those early hours, seeing their puzzled faces as i explained, "she is gravely ill...." No one should lose a loved one on Christmas.....and after all, i wasn't really supposed to be there at all, i had volunteered to work so my friend could be off with her family this year... By 11:00, i was begging other nurses to take my one patient........"we're not that busy"....but there were no takers. i felt that heavy sick feeling in my chest, like a heart attack......sick gut feeling.....let me run from this tragedy about to happen....please let me run.
But there was no running. at 5:30 i still knew that she would not make it, and called the cardiologist....."can i fax you this ekg?" "i think she's having a big m.i,"......"No......you can't tell if she is having an m.i., he said.....not while she has a pacemaker in...."
And so, we called a code, informed her family what was happening, knowing there would be no Christmas miracle today. Finally i was told by a family member......"Stop the code....let her go..." Those words of an adult child now motherless, are what got to me more than anything...the show of compassion for her mother........and as she spoke those words of release, her mother died. Despite the code, despite a good emergency room doctor in place, despite good nurses and technicians....she was gone from this world. There are no words to someone who loses a loved one, not really.....i do know what that feels like.....i know i did my best......to run from death, to make a difference to my patient......to have Christmas be Christmas. i prepared her body for her family, wrote my notes......and drove home. Why should anyone have to die on Christmas. Why was I working instead of my friend. Why do i mourn for a woman i didn't even know....i have no answers today.
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