Tug of War: The Battle of the Sexes

Written by Wendy Helen Wong

Author's note:
I know I said I would be sending the Escapark Escaflowne/South Park fanfic, but grad school, research, and marking papers got in the way. Gomen nassai! However, I did write this on the spur of the moment. Yeah, it's supposed to be cheesy. ^_^

Scene: behind the scenes of "The Vision of Escaflowne". The cast is taking a break after a hard day of filming ^_^.

Allen, Van, Folken and Dilandau happen to walk by the area where Hitomi, Millerna, Merle, Naria and Eria are sitting and talking. Allen brushes a stray lock of blonde hair away from his face and approaches Hitomi.

ALLEN (with a flourish) : How's it goin' baby. It is I, your knight in shining armour.

Hitomi doesn't bother to look up.

HITOMI: Drop dead. Don't "baby" me, Allen Schezar. And don't give me this ‘knight in shining armour' crap.

Van, Folken and Dilandau can hardly contain their laughter.

VAN, FOLKEN and DILANDAU: Oo-o-o-oh!!!!

ALLEN: But I thought girls like the knight in shining armour thing.

HITOMI (eyes narrowing) : Yeah, right. In your shoujo dreams, maybe!

This remark merits shrieks of laughter from Millerna, Merle, Naria and Eria.

VAN (laughing) : Woah! Did I hear SHOUJO manga? Woo hoo! Allen-san!

Allen turns to face Van, one arm akimbo.

ALLEN (glowering) : Shut up, Van.

VAN : Well, I gotta admit you got a point there, though. After all, it's US who have to save the girls, otherwise, no-one would watch the show!

HITOMI (rolling her eyes up) : Whatever. This from I guy I have to save from pyro-freak all the time...

Hitomi points at Dilandau.

DILANDAU: Hey!

Dilandau starts to get that crazed look in his eye as he faces Hitomi and the others. He takes a lighter out of his pocket.

DILANDAU: Burn, baby, burn!

But they aren't phased. Millerna even reaches for the fire extinguisher.

MILLERNA: Hey! Back off.

FOLKEN (amused) : We get the picture, sweetie. Now be nice.

Millerna pokes her tongue out at him.

ALLEN (with a smirk) : C'mon. Admit it. Every girl needs a tough guy to protect them.

MERLE: No thanks.

NARIA (eyes narrowed): Haven't you guys ever heard of pepper spray?

HITOMI: Yeah! We can take care of ourselves.

VAN : Hah! PROVE IT.

HITOMI (banging her fist on the table) : Fine. Everybody outside! It's tug of war time; girls versus guys!

DILANDAU: Oh, you girls are so-o-o-o-o ungrateful! Fine!

HITOMI: FINE!

But Millerna, Merle, Naria and Eria aren't so sure. They are momentarily surprised at Hitomi's seemingly rash decision.

MILLERNA, MERLE, NARIA and ERIA: WOAH! ARE YOU NUTS?!

But then Allen dashes away all indecision.

ALLEN: What's the matter? Chicken?

The guys start to make clucking sounds.

MILLERNA (rolling up her sleeve) : Ooh! Them's fighting words, Allen Schezar! Count me in!

NARIA: me too!

ERIA: me three!

MERLE: You guys are gonna get it!

VAN: Yeah, right!

HITOMI (almost bellowing) : Hey, Dryden! Get your butt out here! We need a referee!

Up until this time, Dryden had been peacefully reading in a corner.

DRYDEN (wearily yawning and scratching his unshaven chin) : Okay, okay. Coming.

HITOMI and VAN: Okay, guys! The ground's kinda sandy. Everybody take your shoes off!

DRYDEN (lazily) : I assume everybody knows the rules...

DILANDAU: Get on with it!

DRYDEN (lazily) : Y'okay.

He draws a line in the sand.

DRYDEN: Yo, mole man! You got the rope?

The mole man comes running with a long rope which he presents to Dryden. Dryden produces a scarf from his pocket and ties it to the middle of the rope. Then he draws a line in the sand. Everybody takes up their positions. Van is out in front, and behind him are Allen, Dilandau and Folken. Likewise on the other side, Hitomi is out in front, followed by Merle, Millerna, Eria and Naria.

DRYDEN: Ready, go!

Both sides start to pull hard.

ALL: GNGNGNGNGNGNGN!!!!

Both Allen and Hitomi start to rally the troops.

ALLEN (shouting) : Who needs ungrateful GIRLS?! PULL!!!

THE GUYS: YE-E-E-E-E-ERRRK!!!!!

HITOMI (shouting even louder) : Oh, YEAH?!?! Who needs STUPID GUYS?!?!!!!! PU-U-U-U-LLLLL!!!!!

THE GIRLS: Y-E-E-E-E-E-ERRRRRKKK!!!!!!

Van's foot starts to approach the line.

VAN (through gritted teeth) : What the hell?!?!

HITOMI (through gritted teeth) : That's it, girls! We're winning!

ERIA (calling out in support of Hitomi and the others) : Fortune's on our side! C'mon, PULL!

FOLKEN: That's what you think!! C'mon GUYS!!!!

ALL: RRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

However, Dryden begins to see that the rope isn't going to hold up. The rope slowly starts to fray.

DRYDEN: Uh, you guys...!

ALL: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Too late! The rope snaps, leaving two jumbled heaps of people on other side of the line in the sand.

HITOMI (dazed) : Oooohhh...!

VAN (dazed) : D-Did we win?

DRYDEN (scratching his head): Gee... I guess nobody wins.

MILLERNA: Is everybody okay?

NARIA and ERIA: Dunno.

MERLE (voiced muffled from beneath) : Geez, Hitomi. What have you been snacking on lately?

HITOMI (weakly, unable to get up) : Watch it...!

On the other side, the guys aren't faring much better.

FOLKEN: Okay, who DIDN'T use deoderant this morning? Allen, is that your foot in my face? Phew!

ALLEN: In your ear!

VAN (wearily) : Quit whining, Folken...!

DILANDAU (barely waving his fist in the air): Rematch! We want a rematch!!!!

ALLEN (slapping Dilandau on the head): Shut up, Dilandau...

THE END.

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