FAQ 14: How to Interact with Real Human Beings
FAQ: version 1.01
Hmm...I feel compelled to write this FAQ.
Someone once wanted me to tell them something. I kept giving him the answer, but he didn't like my answer each time. So, this was the conversation that eventually resulted:
Summary of what he said:
"NO!!!!! NO NO NO NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! NO NO NO NO NO! NO NO!! NO NO NO NO NO NO NONO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!! NO! NO NO NO NO!! NO NO NO NO NO! NO NO NO NO NONO! NO NO NO NO!!!! NO NO NO NO NO NO NONO!!!!"
What I said:
"Yes."
He was speechless afterwards.
PS. I'm not kidding you when I say I was only summarizing what he said, and the "NONO" stuck together was his writing, not mine ;)
Another person had emotional problems, and as a result he spent his life trying to get my attention:
Summary of what he said:
"Ramses you idiot!! You idiot! You are an idiot you idiot!! Hah hah! Yeah! Hah hah!...Yeah, hah hah!...Thank you you idiot now my life has meaning, hah hah! I laugh at you! Hah hah hah hah!...You are idiot! Idiot! I say Idiot!! Yeah, did you hear me? Idiot! Yeah!..."
This continued for days before I responded:
"Hee hee, you're cute. ;)"
He seemed to shut up after that.
PS. Some time later he returned under a different nickname and entertained us some more. =)
I was talking to King Tut not too long ago. I told him about something that had happened to me. Here's a copy of the story I told him:
Today a kid asked me, "Hey Ramses, what would you do if someone made fun of you?"
I replied, "I'd laugh at them."
The kid then said, "But what if he said you were stupid?"
I explained, "Then I'd laugh at him and tell my friends about it so that they can laugh at him too. If he hears us laughing, he'd feel pretty stupid."
True story, except he didn't use my nickname of course. ;)
Suppose someone is trying to figure out how to connect to newsgroups. They go to a message board and type:
"Help!"
This happens quite often. Note that this is what someone actually said (and he's not the first to say this). To this day I still don't know what he needed help in, so let's just pretend he needed help with news. ;)
When someone sees such a message, they have to ask you, "What do you need help on?" or "What are you talking about?" before they can begin to help you. Most people ignore such a message, partly because they don't even know if they are able to help you. Other people might not visit the board often, so that they can only answer specific questions (because if they asked you for more details, they might not be around to hear).
So, when you ask for help, say what your problem is specifically. If you say, "I need help connecting to news," then at least people who know something about newgroups might pay attention.
"I need help connecting to news"
When someone e-mails me with such a message, I send them FAQ 2 and tell them to ask again if they have anything more specific in mind. This is what happens when a person is not specific. If I give a specific answer, it might not be the answer the person was looking for.
For example, suppose I respond, "Well, some news servers die out after time. Blah blah is a good server you can try." The person might then say, "Huh? What's a news server?"
Suppose instead I respond, "Well, to connect to news, you need a newsreader and a working news server." The person might respond, "Well duh, I knew that! I just wanted some free news servers."
Both scenarios have happened at least once. I wonder how I'm supposed to read their mind? So, instead of insulting the person by giving a possibly bad answer, I insult them by giving them an entire FAQ, hee hee. ;) Hmm...hope I didn't just offend those of you that I sent FAQs to =)
"Help. Please?"
It's always good to say the magic word. However, the magic word doesn't make it any easier to help someone if you aren't more specific.
Note: The three preceding cases happen often; if you stick around, you'll see messages like these repeatedly.
"You all suck! Now give me your password, please."
This is based on an actual message (the actual message can be found somewhere in Archive 5). I think this case is self-explanatory.
Trade with me for blah blah blah, do blah blah blah for me, and give me password to blah blah blah site. Please!!!!!
Don't ask me for trades, don't ask me to do unreasonable things, and go ask someone else for site passwords. Please!!!!!
PS. The "Please!!!!" is rather annoying when someone is asking something unreasonable, don't you think? "Give me all your money. Please!!!!"
This case study is a bit longer. It deals with reading between the lines when someone asks for help on a problem. This is important because sometimes a person can unintentionally give misleading details about their problem. The following is an actual case (just like all the other cases here)
Suppose someone was trying to use the fzc program. They first try it on a zip file using the command "fzc b filename 0 a" and got an error that says "not enough 2.x archives". Then they type in another command line "fzc b filename 1 filename2 3 a" and get "invalid password length." These are two different errors, each with a different solution.
Now, suppose they ask for help and say that they typed in "fzc b filename 0 a" and got an error "invalid password length." When I heard this, I knew that something was wrong. Either they made a typo, or that error was not what they saw, because if he had really typed in "fzc b filename 0 a", he would not have gotten such an error.
What happened was the person took the first half of one problem and glued it to the second half of the other problem and asked me for help, making it sound like they had only one problem. Be careful...
As an analogy, say that you have a cold and a toothache. This would be like telling the doctor over the phone that you have a cold, and when he asks you how you know you have a cold, you then reply that your tooth hurts.
The most common mistake a person will make is not to listen. We might have two ears and only one mouth, but that one mouth typically does a whole lot more work than our ears.
I always listen carefully to what others say to me. If they write it to me, I will sometimes read and reread it three or four times just to make sure I understand. Unfortunately, many people choose not to give the same courtesy.
I do not like to repeat myself. I just don't like repeating myself. However, it sometimes seems like a person didn't even read what I said. For example, I would say, "My name is not Mikey Mouse." Then the person would say, "Okay, Mickey Mouse." So, I figure maybe they just didn't hear or understand. So, I'd say, "Um, did I already mention that my name isn't Mickey Mouse?" Then person would get irritated at me for asking and say, "Of course you already said it. I heard it the first time."
This case has been modified so that names and wording are different than they actually were. However, the basic points presented are identical.
This following case will have names and wording changed as well.
Once someone asked what the password for a zip file was. I said it was, "wakwak". The person came back later and said, "But Ramses, I tried wakwak and it didn't work." I replied, "Oh, passwords are case-sensitive, so make sure wakwak is lowercase. Also check your spelling." The person seemed offended at my suggestion that they might have made an innocent spelling mistake and said, "I already tried it, and it doesn't work. I tried it over and over and I'm sure of it." The person even implied that the password was wrong, even when it was working for everyone else just fine. So I replied, "Are you sure? I think it worked for everyone else. It's very common to make spelling mistakes, and everyone makes them now and then. Can you try again?" The person came back later and said that it worked and that he didn't know why it didn't the first time...
Very often people will tell me that King Tut's list doesn't work for them. This happens so often that it becomes rather annoying, especially because when I do take the time and check out the list myself, I find out that it actually does work every time. There has never been a case where the list didn't work, no exceptions. Fortunately, most people I deal with in such a case are reasonable and sincere; it is an honest mistake that anyone can make to think that the list doesn't work. However, the following case reflects some cases that aren't so fortunate.
The person first says, "Ramses, I NEED a working news server." I then say, "Well, I recommend getting started from King Tut's site." The person then replies, "But I already tried his list. NOTHING works. I tried EVERYTHING." I then tested a few of the servers on King Tut's list, and every single one I tested worked. I pointed this out to him, and asked what happened when he tried them and why he didn't think they worked. He said he couldn't remember.
The above case resembles the original case, with only some changes.
Even more common is when someone asks why their news server doesn't work. This is a perfectly legitimate question, but it is already answered in FAQ 2 with flashing red warning (now in two places).
-Ramses
I write these FAQs in hopes it will benefit and educate you, so as always, feel free to correct me and add your own suggestions. You may remain anonymous or allow me to credit you with the suggestion (I will assume the former but definitely feel free to volunteer the use of your nick in the credits of the FAQ)