Me: All right, sorry. That’s about the only song from that movie I like, anyway. Besides, I made you do enough singing in the last fic. So I’ll set the scene. Kay?
All: Yes! Yes!
Me: Gee, don’t sound so enthusiastic. Anyway, our story starts on a dark night, with a dark man, with a dark purpose…
Zangulus: *sitting on top of horse, thinking* Oh man, I hope Martina’s watching. I bet I look really hot silhouetted on a sand dune like this… *aloud* Where is he? Sheesh, it’s hard to find good help these days…
Vrumugen: *comes riding up* Yo yo yo, wassup dawg?
Zangulus: *thinking* …REALLY hard to find good help these days…
Vrumugen: Word! Yo check it, I gots da goods if you gots da ends!
Zangulus: I got the money, you got the stuff?
Vrumugen: I got the stuff, you got the money?
Zangulus: I GOT THE MONEY, YOU GOT THE STUFF?
Vrumugen: I GOT THE STUFF, YOU GOT THE MONEY?
Zangulus: …
Vrumugen: …
Zangulus: All right, all right, just show me the damn jewel. God that
was stupid…
Vrumugen: *pulls out a jewel shaped like one half of a big ol’ Seyruun
sewer slug*
Lina: *far off voice* AARURUGHGHGHGHHH!!!!!!!!! A SLUG!!!!!!!!!
Zangulus and Vrumugen: *sweatdropping* NO! DON’T—
Lina: FIRE BAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!!!
Me: *steps in and swats away fireball just before it can hit* Settle
down Lina, it’s just a jewel. Continue, guys.
Zangulus: Right. *reaches under his hat and pulls out another jewel
shaped like the other half of the slug*
Amelia: I’d like to know what else he keeps under there…
Zangulus: Okay, you asked for it. *reaches under and pulls out…*
Chibi-Martina in a bird suit: *cough cough cough* Ack! Zangie sweetie,
I think you might need to get that thing aerated.
Zangulus: But this smell is VINTAGE! It takes years of cultivation to
get it to smell that way…
Vrumugen: Just leave it in a locker room for a day or two and that smell
will be back, trust me.
Zangulus: Who asked you? Anyway, hand over that half so I can put it
together.
Vrumugen: *unintelligible mumbling*
Zangulus: What?
Vrumugen: …the money…
Zangulus: Huh?
Vrumugen: Show me the money…
Zangulus: Louder, Vrummy!
Vrumugen: *jumps up on random rock* SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!! SHOW-ME-THE-MONNEEEEYYYY…
*hopping around and screaming*
Zelgadis: You’ve really hit rock bottom for gags, you know…
Me: Shut up.
Zangulus: All right, all right. You’ll get your pay when we find the
cave. Now let’s see what this jewel does… *puts the two halves together*
Me: Just like that, the slug jewel came to life. It promptly leapt out
of Zangulus’ hand and started slithering across the desert sands…
C-Martina: Look! It’s very slowly getting away!
Vrumugen: Y’know, I don’t think a slug would last an hour in a desert…
Me: It’s magic, moron! Now follow it! Sheesh, you’ve dragged this scene
out way longer than it was in the movie…
All: *flip the bird*
Me: *twitch* So, the bad man and his only-slightly-less-bad accomplice
set out after the jewel, tracking it across the dark desert sands. Finally
the slug came to a stop in the middle of a wide-open space…
Zangulus: This is a desert, it’s ALL wide open.
Me: *twitch twitch TWITCH* The slug disappeared into the ground, and
a few seconds later the earth started to rumble. The two men sprinted for
cover, and watched in amazement as a giant cave entrance sprang from the
sand. The cave entrance just happened to be shaped like… the giant disembodied
head of Auntie Aqua!
All: HUH? *fall over*
Zangulus: Well. Finally, the Cave of Wonders reveals itself to us.
Vrumugen: For the crap I went through, there better be some really good
wonders in there.
Zangulus: Don’t worry, according to legend it’s chock full of treasure.
…Uh, you go first.
Vrumugen: All right! Payday! *walks in the entrance*
*ground starts rumbling*
Vrumugen: What the—AUGH!!! *cave mouth slams shut on him, chews, and
swallows*
Aqua: Mmm, tangy!
Zangulus and C-Martina: *BIG sweatdrop*
Aqua: Nice try, dearie. But the only one allowed to come in here is
a diamond in the rough. *BURP*
Zangulus: *slaps forehead* I guess we’re back to square one.
C-Martina: Hey, at least she didn’t demand a shrubbery. Besides, you
can find out who this “diamond in the rough” is, right?
Zangulus: Yes, but I’ll have to take advantage of the sultan to do so…
Both: …Piece of cake! *laugh maniacally*
Me: The next day, back in the big ol’ palace of the city of Agrabah…
Valgarv: Ahhh, it’s #$#$@#@#$$#$ good to be king! I have a bad ass daughter
*cough* and my captain of the guard is @#^@#^$#@#$#%#^@!#%@#%@$ sexy!
Filia: Oh, you’re just saying that. *blush* By the way, Kebinu, I thought
you weren’t big on me and Val as a couple?
Me: Nope, I’m not. *evil grin* This is just a transparent ploy to get
me more on Aly’s good side so I can get that hentai pic of you she promised
to draw.
Xellos: Why, I’m astounded! I never thought you had it in you! *chuckles
and slaps me on the back*
Filia: *thermonuclear blush* I’ll be sure to have a… word… with her.
*fingering her mace*
Valgarv: Say Filia, where the hell did that daughter of mine go off
to anyway?
Filia: I think she’s out in the garden again with her sidekick.
Me: In the garden…
Lina: *doing cat’s cradle with Amelia* This sucks. I’m stuck inside
the palace all day with no one to mess around with and every day my dad
brings another asshole prince who wants to marry me!
Zelgadis: She obviously inherited her father’s foul mouth…
Amelia: Aw, don’t get down on him about it, Lina! He’s just doing it
because it’s the law!
Lina: But I hate the law! Every one of these guys thinks with his salami
and not his brain!
Xellos: Hoo boy, I think she won’t be too happy when Gourry finally
shows up then…
Amelia: *shoves him outta there* I’m sure things will turn out okay,
Lina! Sooner or later you’ll find a guy who can like you for being Lina,
not being a princess! Here, it’s your turn.
Lina: *takes strings onto her hands* Thanks, Amelia, but knowing my
luck, I have this bad feeling that the man I’d click with is probably on
the other side of the world.
Me: If only you knew how wrong you were, Lina, for at that moment…
Sylphiel: Miss Filia! Ma’am!
Filia: What’s up, Sylphiel?
Sylphiel: There’s been a report of a massive food theft in the town
bazaar! Miss Naga is already on the trail of the bandits and sent me back
here to report.
Filia: Okay! Let’s move out! See you later, Sultan Val! *they run out*
Valgarv: Yeah, later.
Zangulus: *walks up to him with C-Martina on his shoulder* Excuse me,
your highness, but I’m running a magical experiment and I need your little
cherry-whacker toy for it.
Valgarv: You can have my cherry-whacker when you pry it from my cold
dead @#^@#%^$#@&@*^% hands!
Zangulus: That’s what I thought you’d say. Here, read this appliance
warranty.
Valgarv: “To claim 15% of your net recoupable losses…” SNNNNNOORRRRREEEE…
Zangulus: Ha! Works every time. *grabs Val’s cherry-whacker toy and
carries it to his lab, where he attaches it to his random magic apparatus*
C-Martina: Zangie, you’re not gonna make me power it again, are you…?
Zangulus: Treadmill. NOW.
C-Martina: *sobs and climbs on treadmill, and starts running*
Zangulus: Okay, now let’s see if we can find this “Diamond in the rough…”
Me: In the bazaar…
Filia: THIEF! Surrender or mace-sama is going to play a rhumba on your
cranium! *crashes through crowd, knocking people and carts over, followed
by Sylphiel and Naga*
Gourry: *running like hell* Yikes! All this for a loaf of bread?
Zelgadis: *running beside him* A loaf? Gourry, you ate the whole damn
cart!
Gourry: Sue me! Being a street rat is hard work and I was hungry!
Zelgadis: Hard work? All we do is steal!
Gourry: Hey, gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat!
Filia: Darn! This guy is good! He continually evades our pursuit!
Naga: Oooohohoho… when we catch this guy I’m going to make sure he’s
locked up for making me chase him in heels!
Sylphiel: Umm… why don’t you just Raywing, Naga?
Naga: Hey, yeah… why don’t I?
Me: Because that would make it too easy to catch him.
Naga: Rats! I guess the great Naga will keep chasing him in heels then!
Filia: Argh! We have to hurry up and catch this no-good thief so I can
get back and hit on the sultan!
Sylphiel: *sweatdrop* Yes, I’ve never seen someone consume an entire
cartful of bread before… it truly is a heinous robbery. *sigh* But this
one’s so handsome, I’d like to keep him for myself.
Naga: Keep him?! You’re nuts! He’s wanted in at least three dozen food-cart
and restaurant robberies! He’d eat you out of house and home, then he’d
probably eat you too!
Xellos: KINKY!!!!
Filia: *smacks him outta there* Butt out Raw Garbage! Now cut the chatter
you two, and let’s get him!
Naga and Sylphiel: Right!
Me: Gourry and Zelgadis continued to flee the pursuing ladies, but suddenly
found themselves at the end of a dead-end alleyway. The three royal guards
blocked off the exit and started to advance.
Filia: HA! There’s no escape now, thieves!
Gourry: Uh oh, what do we do now, Zel?
Zelgadis: We stand and fight, I guess.
Gourry: Okay. I really don’t want to hurt such pretty ladies, though…
Sylphiel: *blush*
Naga: OOOOOhohohohohooo!!!
Filia: Knock it off you two! Your compliments are lost on me, street
rat! Give it up!
Gourry: I don’t think so, dragon girl! Let’s get it on! *Gourry and
Zel pull out their swords*
Filia/Sylphiel/Naga: *stop dead in their tracks* ACK! They’ve got weapons!
*blink blink*
Filia: Wait a minute… WE’VE got weapons too! *pulls out her mace*
Sylphiel: That’s right! *pulls out her staff*
Naga: OOOOOOhohohohohohoo! *pulls out Ragudo Mezeghis*
Filia: O_o How did you get that? That’s supposed to be the sultan’s!
Naga: Oh, I just asked.
Filia: *stamping her foot* That’s… not… FAIR!!!!
Sylphiel: Um… Filia…
Zelgadis: It seems they’re distracted, Gourry. Let’s make a break for
it!
Gourry: But where can we go, Zel… hey, I know! *picks Zelgadis up*
Zelgadis: Gourry! What are you—YEARRRGHHH!!!!!!
Gourry: *chucks Zelgadis through the bolted door of a building next
to them, smashing it open* Taadaa! Leave it to Genius Gourry to save the
day! *follows after Zel into the building*
Sylphiel: Please Miss Filia, calm down and focus on what we need to
do!
Filia: Right, right… okay, let’s get them. Huh? Where’d they go?
All: …
Naga: It seems they got away! Ohohohoho!!
Filia: They… got… away…? *steam from ears, veins popping on forehead*
Sylphiel: Um, Miss Filia, you’re getting worked up again…
Filia: AAAAARGGGHHHHHH!!! FLAME BREATH!!! FLAME BREATH!!! FLAME BREATH!!!
FLAME BREATH!!! FLAME BREATH!!! FLAME BREATH!!! FLAME BREATH!!! FLAME BREATH!!!
FLAME BREATH!!! FLAME BREATH!!! FLAME BREATH!!! FLAME BREATH!!! FLAME BREATH!!!
FLAME BREATH!!! FLAME BREATH!!! FLAME BREATH!!! FLAME BREATH!!! FLAME BREATH!!!
FLAME BREATH!! FLAME BREATH!!! *KABOOM*
Me: A short time and miniature scene of devastation later…
Sylphiel: Miss FILIA! *puts her in a headlock*
Filia: *calms down* Oops, I did it again… okay, I’m calm! After them,
girls!
Zelgadis: *watching from a window, a few floors up* Every day we get
chased by them, Gourry, and every day I wonder how you manage to avoid
them… and then it hit me… they’re just as dumb as you!
Gourry: Well, duh!
Zelgadis: Anyway, where do we go now? We’re trapped in this building
and they’re coming after us.
Gourry: Things can only go UP from here! Wokka wokka wokka!!
All: *groan*
Rezo: *walks in* Hey you punks! Get out of my living room!
Zelgadis: Huh? REZO! Prepare to die! *draws his sword*
Gourry: Not now, Zel! Let’s split! *grabs him and drags him out of Rezo’s
apartment and up the stairs*
Me: Gourry and Zel found themselves right back in a pickle…
Gourry: PICKLE?!?! Where?
Me: …as they were now on the roof of the building with the riot-girls
in hot pursuit.
Zelgadis: *glancing over edge* I’m willing to entertain suggestions,
Gourry, even from you…
Gourry: Uh, nope, can’t think of a single thing.
Zelgadis: Guess I got my hopes up for nothing.
Filia: All right! We’ve got you now! There’ll be no more running away!
Naga: Ohohohohoo! That’s right! You will now be arrested and taken away!
Sylphiel: Yes, and then punished… repeatedly and painfully and dirtily
and kinkily and OH GODDDDD… *blushes*
All: *sweat drop*
Gourry: *whispering* Hey Zel, I’ve got an idea! Come over here!
Zelgadis: If it involves whoring ourselves to the one with the staff,
forget it.
Gourry: Uh, no. Now c’mere!
Filia: Naga, handcuffs please.
Naga: Sure! *pulls ‘em out of her top*
Gourry and Zelgadis: *BIG BLUSH*
Filia: Right! In the name of Sultan Valgarv, I, Commander Filia Ul Copt
hereby arrest—
Gourry: *singing* Here goes! Better throw my hand in, wish me happy
landings, cause all I’ve gotta do is JUMP!!!! *leaps off the top of the
building, pulling Zelgadis with him*
Zelgadis: GOURRY!!!!! That’s it, I have finally determined you’re insane.
Too bad we’re going to die for it…
Gourry: Naaah! Watch this! LIGHT COME FORTH!!! *whips out Sword of Light
and fires a light beam at the ground*
Me: And, amazingly, the shockwave generated by Gourry’s sword slowed
their fall and allowed them to drop gently to the ground.
Zelgadis: I’m too young to die… huh?
Gourry: *grinning* See? What’d I tell ya?
Zelgadis: Well, I’ll be damned.
Gourry: I learned that little technique from the old Zelda cartoon.
Thanks Author guy!
Me: Yeah, yeah.
Filia: They… got… away… AGAIN?!?!?! Urrrrrrrrrghhhhghghgghghhhgghhhhhh…
*steaming*
Sylphiel: Now Miss Filia, your blood pressure…
Naga: Oooohohoho! Hey, look at that!
Me: The three guards forgot about their ill-fated chase and turned to
witness a massive procession, um, proceeding down the streets to much music
and fanfare.
Filia: OH CRAP! There must have been another royal suitor by today!
And we weren’t there for it!
All: Oh geez! We’re gonna get it now!
Filia: Come on girls, let’s go back to the palace and apologize. (Maybe
if I’m lucky, the sultan will scold me PERSONALLY later, hee hee hee…)
Me: Gourry and Zel also happened to witness the procession, and were
slightly startled by the behavior of the parade’s subject…
Zelgadis: Hmm, looks like another prince got shot down by the sultan’s
daughter, eh Gourry?
Gourry: Yep. Hey, how come it’s always princes who are trying to marry
her?
Zelgadis: *sigh* You forgot AGAIN? It’s the law that royals can only
marry other royals.
Gourry: Well, geez, that seems awfully stupid. People should be able
to marry someone they trust and care for, no matter what income that person
has, don’t you think?
Zelgadis: Unfortunately, Gourry, that probably makes too much sense
to be official policy.
Gourry: Hey Zel, look at what that guy is doing!
Me: Zel turned to witness the spectacle Gourry had been pointing out…
a spectacle in which the said prince was cussing out a small child who
happened to get in the path of his elephant.
Garv: *seated on elephant* God dammit, I said get the hell out of the
way, you little brat! I’m in no mood to deal with a punk like you!
Fibrizzo: Come down here and say that to my face, you big ogre! You
don’t own this road! *flips the bird*
Garv: Why you little… I could own YOU if I really felt like it! Now
MOVE! *spurs the elephant, who nearly crushes Fibby*
Zelgadis: Wow, what a royal jerk, huh Gourry. Gourry? Oh no…
Gourry: *pulls Fibby out of the way* Hey, trenchcoat boy, you must think
you’re hot stuff to treat a little kid like that!
Garv: Shut up, punk! Do you even know who that “little kid” is? Argh,
why bother… I don’t care what you or any other common street rat thinks
of me! I’m glad I’ll never have to be a filthy LOSER like you! *spurs his
elephant on*
Gourry: You all right, little girl?
Fibrizzo: Huh? I’m a BOY you dork! But yeah, I’m all right. Thanks,
I guess. *runs off*
Zelgadis: Well, Gourry, I think you’ve accomplished enough stupid heroics
for the day. Let’s search for a place to crash.
Gourry: Okay…
Me: Gourry followed Zelgadis off through the streets, the prince’s harsh
words still ringing through his mind.
Zangulus: *watching Gourry through magical projection* I guess that
settles it, he is the one. …Oh, yeah, you can stop running now…
C-Martina: *keels over from exhaustion* Damn author… making… that scene…
so… long…
Me: Back at the palace…
Valgarv: Lina, what the #@$!@#$@ got into you? I was sure you’d like
Lord Garv, I’ve known him for a long time and I like him a lot!
Lina: Then why don’t YOU marry him, dad? I can’t stand guys who think
they’re every woman’s dream. Anyway, the guy is ugly as sin. Forget it.
Valgarv: HOW DARE YOU INSULT LORD GARV—errr… I’m very disappointed,
Lina.
Zangulus: *walks in* Good evening, sire. Here’s your cherry-knocker
thing back.
Valgarv: Huh, oh, thanks. When did I lose it?
Zangulus: Oh, never mind. *whistles* Anyway, I’ve got to be going now…
Me: Later that evening…
Lina: *throws rope over the wall* Well, this is it, Amelia. I’m sick
of suitors, sick of being cooped up in here and I’m striking it out on
my own.
Amelia: And you’re leaving me in here?
Lina: *sweatdrop* Uh, is there something wrong with that?
Amelia: Listen Miss Lina! I may be your sidekick but you can’t callously
ignore me! *Justice finger* In my opinion, running away is going to cause
more problems than it’ll solve! And in case you’ve forgotten, I could just
go and blab to your father…
Lina: Oh, right. Okay, come on then Ames, it’ll be girls’ night out!
Amelia: Yeah!
Me: And with that, they were on their way. The next day, in the market…
Lina: *counting stolen goods* Hee hee hee! This is fun! I should have
done this earlier!
Amelia: MISS… LINA!!!!!!
Lina: Cork it! Okay, let’s go knock over that fruit stand.
Amelia: *sigh* Why do I even bother?
Lina: *walks by the fruit stand and casually swipes an orange*
Voice: HEY! What the hell do you think you’re doing?
Lina: *turns and sees Sherra pointing her sword at her neck, and gulps*
Sherra: Don’t say anything, I saw you swipe that fruit from my stand!
Pathetic human… you disgust me! Prepare to give me your hand as my trophy!
Lina: Uhm… I uh… sorry about that, that is…
Voice: Hey, hold it!
Lina and Sherra: Huh?
Gourry: *steps in front of Lina* There she is! I’m terribly sorry about
this. Did she cause any trouble for you?
Lina: *whispering* (What’s your problem?)
Gourry: *whispers back* (Just play along!)
Sherra: You know this woman?
Gourry: Unfortunately, yes. She’s my sister.
Amelia: ???
Zelgadis: *whispers* (Don’t say anything or we’ll be in trouble.)
Amelia: (And you are?)
Zelgadis: *sarcastic* (Your knights in shining armor.)
Gourry: We were on our way to bring her to the doctor’s when she wandered
off again.
Sherra: I see… *lowers sword* this human isn’t disgusting, just stupid.
Lina: *fuming*
Gourry: *laughs nervously* Yeah, sorry about that. Come on, sis, it’s
time to go see the doctor.
Lina: *to Zelgadis* Hi, doctor!
Sherra: Very well then, get on your way and stop defiling my shrine
to Lord Dynast’s glory! *sheathes sword*
Amelia: Lady, it’s a friggin’ fruit stand…
Zelgadis: Mazoku, what can you do.
Me: By the way, if you know who Sherra is, you may consider yourself
a Slayers fanatic, since she’s only in the novels.
Lina: Just pray he doesn’t work Luke and Milina in here somewhere.
Me: Why would I do that? They’re dead.
Far off voice: We’re not dead! Milina and I’s love will stretch to the
end of time!
Second far off voice: We are too dead! Shut up and get back in your
grave!
*group sweatdrop*
Gourry: So, now that we saved you, may we be introduced? My name is
Gourry.
Lina: (Whoa, babe alert…) Uh, my name is Li—uh, Rina.
Zelgadis: I am Zelgadis.
Amelia: I’m, uh, Ameria!
Gourry: Nice to meet you ladies. You don’t look like you’re from around
here, would you like us to show you around?
Amelia: Are you sure? We’re not burdening you?
Zelgadis: Whatever.
Gourry: That’s his way of saying, “No problem!”
Lina: Okay, then! Let’s get rolling!
Filia: *bursts out of doorway* HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!!!
Lina: What…
Amelia: The…
Zelgadis: Bloody…
Gourry: Hell—oh crap, it’s the scary dragon lady!
Filia: Wow, what a catch! We found the food thieves and the runaway
princess all at once! *hand to mouth* OOOHOHOHOOO!!!
Naga: That’s my line!
Zelgadis: Wait a minute… PRINCESS?
Amelia and Lina: Uh oh… busted.
Gourry: Y-you mean… oh geez… I’m doomed.
Sylphiel: Gourry dear, you and Zelgadis are arrested on charges of 45
counts of larceny, grand theft, grand theft auto, pillaging, disturbing
the peace, inciting riots and armed robbery. *takes cuffs from Naga and
slaps em on them*
Lina: *whistles* Damn, those guys are impressive!
Amelia: Especially if they’ve been able to evade the guards for this
long.
Lina: I tip my hat to you, guys! And as a reward for saving my neck,
I’m going to save yours. *turns to Filia* UNHAND THOSE PRISONERS BY ORDER
OF THE PRINCESS!!!!
Filia: *gulp* Sorry, princess, no can do.
Lina: *starting to charge up Ragna Blade* FiliaaAAAA… if you ruin my
chance with this cute guy, so help me I will—
Sylphiel: *jumps in front of Filia* Wait! We’re sorry Miss Lina, but
we received orders directly from Lord Zangulus to capture Gourry and bring
him back to the palace!
Lina: Well, in that case, at least let Zelgadis go! If you do that,
I promise to come back without a struggle.
Filia/Naga/Sylphiel: *look around at each other* Okay, guess we could
do that.
Sylphiel: *takes Zel’s cuffs off*
Lina: I guess that settles it. Amelia and I will be back to the palace
in a little while. Good luck to you, Gourry.
Filia: Okay, don’t take too long, princess. Move it, Gourry!
Gourry: Okay, okay! You don’t have to tell me twice. Bye, Zel.
Zelgadis: Yeah, bye, Gourry.
Me: And with that, Gourry was shackled and carted off to the palace
by the three scary guard ladies.
Lina: Sorry about this, Zelgadis. Your friend got captured on account
of me!
Zelgadis: Don’t worry about it, Gourry was just doing the right thing.
Amelia: Hey Mr. Zelgadis, why don’t you come back to the palace with
us?
Zelgadis: HUH? *blush* W-why?
Amelia: I can help you get Gourry freed from the Sultan’s dungeon!
Lina: Hey, yeah! Amelia’s been thrown in there a few times for waking
up my dad at night with her speeches. She knows it like the back of her
hand!
Amelia: Come by the palace this evening, and I’ll sneak you in.
Zelgadis: Okay, I’ll be there.
Me: That evening…
Lina: *wandering the halls* Zelgadis should have been here by now, but
I haven’t seen him. I’ll check on Amelia and see if she’s found him yet.
Me: Lina headed to Amelia’s room, and stopped dead when she saw… a sock.
On the doorknob.
Lina: GEEZ, AMELIA!!!! You just met the guy, can’t you keep your pants
on??!?!! *throws her hands up and walks off ranting*
Xellos: I think someone’s jealous cause she’s not getting any!
Lina: SHUT UP XELLOS.
Me: Half an hour later…
Zelgadis: *steps out the door, tying up his cape* All right, so Gourry’s
being held in the main chamber?
Amelia: *holding a sheet to cover herself* Yeah, you remember where
the secret passage is, right?
Zelgadis: Check. Thanks for the help and… *blushes* everything.
Amelia: It was my pleasure. Uh, will I see you again?
Zelgadis: Hmm. I suppose it depends on a lot of things, but… count on
it!
Amelia: Okay! Farewell, and good luck!
Me: Meanwhile, in the dungeon…
Gourry: *draws in the dirt* One ringy dingy. *draws* Two ringy dingy.
*draws* Three ringy dingy. This sucks. I wish I’d had more time to talk
to that red-haired girl… I still can’t believe she was the princess. *slaps
head* Oh man, who am I kidding? I’d never have a chance with her…
Martina: Well, hello there, handsome!
Gourry: Huh? Where’d you come from?
Martina: Oh, I’m locked up in here too. Apparently the sultan didn’t
like me preaching on the streets that our only true master is Lord Zoamelgustar…
Gourry: Oh, bummer.
Martina: Anyway… I couldn’t help but overhear what you were mumbling.
It sounds like you’re someone who’s frustrated with your station in life.
Gourry: Yeah… I don’t have any chance with the girl I like, just cause
I’m a street rat.
Martina: Well, I overheard something that may be solution to all your
problems!
Gourry: *perking up* What’s that?
Martina: There’s this special cave filled with wonderful treasures…
oddly enough, it’s called the Cave of Wonders. I bet it’d be just the thing
to get this girl’s attention!
Gourry: Hey, yeah! Wait a minute… *suspicous* Why are you telling me
about it?
Martina: Well… um… you’re cute! Besides, I’d like to get my hands on
some cash too. I’m sure there’s more than enough for both of us. Plus,
I need someone to get me out of here, and you look dashing and all.
Gourry: Well, uh, I actually have no idea how to get out of here.
Me: Just as Gourry finished talking, he got a slight surprise as the
wall next to him slid aside to reveal…
Gourry: Zelgadis!
Zelgadis: No s**t Sherlock. I’m here to rescue you.
Gourry: But how???
Zelgadis: Oh, let’s just say I had my way with—er, have my ways.You
definitely owe this escape to the princess and her sidekick, though.
Martina: See? She must like you! All you have to do is get rich and
then you can get with her for sure!
Gourry: All right! Let’s get out of here and find that cave!
Martina: *to herself* Okay! Everything’s going according to plan so
far. *out loud* All right, then! Follow me, boys!
Me: And with that, Martina led Gourry and Zel out of the palace, out
of the city and into the desert. Finally, they arrived at the Cave Of Wonders.
Martina: Well, here we are, boys!
Gourry and Zelgadis: …
Martina: What?
Gourry: It looks like…
Zelgadis: …a dilapidated old woman.
Martina: Oh. Yeah, it does.
Aqua: HEY! Just what do you think you’re looking at?
Martina: Um, a dilapidated old woman.
Zelgadis: Yeah, a dilapidated old woman, from every angle.
Gourry: Quite possibly, the most dilapidated old woman I’ve ever seen.
Aqua: HEM! I am the Cave Of Wonders! I see the one worthy of my treasure
is present. Enter now, if you wish.
Martina: That’s you! Go get em, tiger! *shoves Gourry forward*
Gourry: Uh, okay! Come on, Zel!
Me: And with that, Gourry and Zelgadis entered the cave.
Aqua: HEY! I didn’t say YOU could come in!
Zelgadis: Huh? Me?
Aqua: Yeah, I said only the diamond in the rough could come in!
Zelgadis: What are you going to do to stop me?
Aqua: Heh. *bites down on them*
Gourry: AAAAUGGGHHHH!!! *cowers*
Martina: …
Aqua: …OW! *opens back up*
Zelgadis: *chuckling* I knew this rock skin would come in handy sooner
or later.
Aqua: Damn, I think I chipped a tooth. Okay, okay, you can go too, stone
boy.
Zelgadis: All right, Gourry, let’s head in.
Martina: *yelling after them* Remember, take only the lamp! You can
come back for the treasures later. How was that, Zangie dear?
Zangulus: *appears beside her* Excellent. Now all we have to do is wait…
Me: Gourry and Zelgadis made their way through the cave, astounded at
the wealth of treasure inside. Gold coins littered the path beneath their
feet, and there were chests filled with jewels strewn everywhere.
Gourry: Oooh, shiny!
Zelgadis: Hey, don’t touch, Gourry. Remember she said you should only
take the lamp.
Gourry: Lamp? You mean that thing, way up there at the top of the rock
column?
Zelgadis: *slaps forehead* Why do they always make it so hard to get
at?
Gourry: I think that’s the point of it being treasure. Right, I’m going!
*starts climbing the rock column*
Zelgadis: Good thing he’s doing it, too. I’m the only one with enough
self control to keep from trying to swipe this treasure while I’m standing
down here. …Huh? What’s that?
Gourry: *reaches the top of the column and picks up the lamp* Hmm, some
legendary treasure. *turns around* HEY ZEL, I GOT IT… uh, Zel?
Zelgadis: *surrounded by shoujo bubbles* Oh… my… God… *staggers towards
a big box labeled CHIMERA CURE*
Gourry: NO ZEL! WAIT—
Zelgadis: *opens box*
Normal-sized Aqua: *pops out* I told you not to touch this! You will
now be boiled in lava. Have a nice day! *disappears*
Zelgadis: #@$#@#$@#!!!!
Me: And with that, the cave suddenly started to disintegrate as the
ground fell away to reveal pools of lava, and the ceiling started to collapse.
Zelgadis: Oh man, it’s collapsing on us!
Gourry: Let’s make like a banana and… get out of here!
Zelgadis: *sweatdrop* Ooooookay.
Me: And thus began a spectacular escape sequence that looked roughly
like a cross between Indiana Jones and Star Wars. However, CGI is way out
of my price range…
All: *stick out tongues*
Me: …so instead, the escape sequence will be performed in a fashion
similar to episode 14 of Evangelion.
THE COLLAPSE BEGAN.
Gourry: Run for it!
THE TWO THIEVES RAN FOR IT.
Zelgadis: Gourry? Where’s the lamp?
Gourry: Whoops, I knew I forgot something…
GOURRY WAS STILL A MORON.
Gourry: Okay, got it back, let’s scram!
Zelgadis: Right!
LOTS OF BAD STUFF HAPPENED.
Gourry: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH, MY BUTT’S ON FIRE!!!!!!
Zelgadis: *sigh*
THE AUTHOR WOULDN’T LET HIS CLOTHES BURN OFF, HOWEVER.
Gourry: Why not?
BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO SEE IT. AND A SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED LINA IS A
FUNNY LINA. TO SAY NOTHING OF A SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED ALYSON…
Gourry: Oh.
Lina and Alyson: NO FAIR!!!! *much disappointed whining*
THE ANGEL WAS DESTROYED.
Valgarv: No I wasn’t!
HOWEVER, IN SPITE OF THEIR EFFORTS, THE TWO MEN WERE UNABLE TO ESCAPE.
Martina: Look, here they come!
Gourry: We’re gonna make it, we’re gonna make it, we’re—
Aqua: *CHOMP*
All: …
Martina: Maybe not.
Me: And just like that, the Cave of Wonders disappeared back into the
desert sand from whence it came.
Zangulus: *slams hat on the ground and starts stomping it* S**T!!! THERE
GOES MY CHANCE AT THE LAMP!!!
Martina: Hey, all you were going to wish for was becoming the ruler
of Agrabah. There are other ways to do it, you know…
Zangulus: Really? Like how?
Martina: Well, you could always—*checks script*—I AM NOT GOING TO SUGGEST
THIS!
Me: What’s your problem?
Martina: I am NOT going to suggest to him that he marry another girl!
He’s MINE DAMMIT!!!
Me: Settle down, it’s just a story.
Martina: *not looking convinced*
Zangulus: Oh for crying out loud! Don’t worry about it, sugar. I love
you!
Martina: Oh… Zangie! *SMOOCH SMACK LICK POKE TONGUE*
All: EEEEEEWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!
Me: That’s enough! Break it up you two! Sheesh, get a friggin’ room!
Now get back in chibi form Martina.
C-Martina: Anyway, why don’t you just marry Princess Lina?
Zangulus: Uh, because compared to you she’s flat as a board?
Lina: Must… control… urge to kill… rising…
Zangulus: Besides, I don’t think her father would ever go along with
it…
C-Martina: Since when has that ever stopped you?
Zangulus: Good point. All right then, it’s time to start another master
plan! Gahahaha! And anyway, now I’m the greatest swordsman in the world!
See you in hell, Gabriev! *walks off laughing maniacally*
Me: Back inside the collapsed cave…
Gourry: Dammit Zel! You and your damn cure!
Zelgadis: So sue me! After all this time, it was right there, I couldn’t
help it!
Gourry: Well, as long as we have this lamp, I wonder what’s so special
about it? *examines it* Hey… there seems to be some writing on it!
Zelgadis: What does it say?
Gourry: Um… “W E L C O
M E T O T
H E N E X
T L E V E L”
Zelgadis: Whaaa?
Xellos: Okay, I think it’s time to lay off the obscure pop culture in-jokes.
Me: Yeah, anyone who’s never owned a Sega Genesis probably won’t get
that one. -_-
Gourry: I think there’s something else written on it… hang on. *rubs
it*
Me: And suddenly, without further ado…
Xellos: *pops out of the lamp with much pyrotechnics* Taa-daa!
Gourry and Zelgadis: XELLOS?!
Xellos: You were expecting maybe a Djinn?
*Far away, a certain group of girls with triangular eyelashes scream
in terror*
Xellos: Anyway, what’s your command, master?
Gourry: I’m… your master?
Xellos: Yep! You let me outta the lamp, and now you get three wishes!
Gourry: Three wishes? You mean I can wish for anything I want?
Xellos: Well, not quite. There are three rules to it: First, I can’t
make anyone fall in love… *smooches Zel on the cheek*
Zelgadis: XELLOS! PREPARE TO DIE!!! *draws sword and bangs him over
the head with it Kenshin style*
Xellos: ^_^ *BONK* ^_^ *BONK* ^_^ *BONK* ^_^ *BONK* ^_^
Gourry: Why can’t you?
Xellos: That is a secret, of course!
Gourry: All right, what’s the second rule?
Xellos: Secondly, I can’t kill anyone. Thirdly, I can’t bring anyone
back from the dead, cause that’s gross.
Zelgadis: Well, can we wish for you to get us out of here?
Xellos: Sure. But Gourry has to be the one to make the wish.
Gourry: Okay, Xellos. I wish that we could get outta here!
Xellos: Sure thing! Grab on guys!
Gourry and Zelgadis: *do so*
Xellos: *teleports out of the cave*
Zelgadis: Boy, I never thought I’d be so glad to see the desert!
Xellos: Well, that’s one wish down, two to go. What will you wish for
next?
Gourry: *thinking back to the dungeon* Well, there’s this girl I really
like…
Xellos: Whoa! Hang on a minute, that’s against the rules…
Gourry: Naw, you don’t have to make her like me… it’s just that she’s
a princess, and I’m not…
Xellos: …a prince? Oh, I get it. You want me to make you a prince so
you can marry her?
Gourry: Could you?
Xellos: Piece of cake! All you gotta do is say the magic words.
Gourry: Okay! I wish I was a prince!
Xellos: Granted! *BIG FLASH*
Me: And when the light subsided, Gourry was decked out in regal clothing
from head to toe. His hands were covered with jewelry and a cool circlet
rested on his brow. Meanwhile, chests filled with jewels appeared all around
him, along with an army of servants. Zelgadis also found himself decked
out in a snappy military uniform covered with medals.
*pause to let the fangirls wipe up their drool*
Gourry: Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet!
Zelgadis: Uhm, what’s up with this uniform?
Xellos: Why, you’re Prince Gourry’s trusted lieutenant!
Zelgadis: I AM?
Xellos: Would you rather be turned into an elephant like the movie?
Zelgadis: *sweatdrop* Uh, that’s okay, I’ll stick with the lieutenant
gig.
Me: The next day…
Valgarv: Okay, Lina, another prince is coming by today. Try not to @#$#$^#$%
it up.
Lina: Whatever. *sigh* I wonder what happened to Gourry?
Amelia: I haven’t heard from Mr. Zelgadis either. I guess that means
they escaped, but I haven’t seen them around town.
*BIG TRUMPET FANFARE*
Lina and Amelia: What the hell…?
Me: The two girls ran to the window, in time to see a ridiculously large
procession parading down the street, with Gourry in the middle smiling
like an idiot, surrounded by servants singing at the top of their lungs.
All: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! A SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Oh shut up. -_-
Servants: Make way for Prince Gourry
Say hey! It's Prince Gourry
Lina and Amelia: Prince WHOOOO?
Servants: Prince Gourry! Fabulous he
Gourry Gabriev
Genuflect, show some respect
Down on one knee!
Now, try your best to stay calm
Brush up your sunday salaam
Then come and meet his spectacular coterie
Zelgadis: Prince Gourry! Mighty is he
Gourry Gabriev
Strong as ten regular men, definitely!
He whups the Mazoku hordes
Cause he’s got the world’s coolest sword
Who sent those goons to their lord?
Why, Prince Gourry
Xellos: He's got seventy-five golden camels
Purple peacocks, he's got fifty-three
When it comes to exotic-type mammals
Has he got a zoo?
I'm telling you, it's a world-class menagerie
Filia: Prince Gourry! Handsome is he
Gourry Gabriev
Sylphiel: That physique! How can I speak
Weak at the knee
Naga: Well, get on out in that square
Adjust your cape and prepare
All 3: To gawk and grovel and stare at Prince Gourry!
Amelia: There's no question this Gourry's alluring
Never ordinary, never boring
Valgarv: Everything about the man just plain impresses
He's a winner, he's a whiz, a wonder!
Lina: He's about to pull my heart asunder!
And I absolutely love the way he dresses!
Xellos: He's got ninety-five white Persian monkeys
Zelgadis: He's got the monkeys, let's see the monkeys
Xellos: And to view them he charges no fee
Zelgadis: He's generous, so generous
Xellos: He's got slaves, he's got servants and flunkies
Zelgadis: Proud to work for him
Xellos: They bow to his whim love serving him
They're just lousy with loyalty to Gourry! Prince Gourry!
Prince GOURR—EEE! Amorous he
Gourry Gabriev
Heard your princess was a sight lovely to see
And that, good people, is why
He got dolled up and dropped by
With sixty elephants, llamas galore
With his bears and lions
A brass band and more
With his forty fakirs, his cooks, his bakers
His birds that warble on key
Make way for prince Gourry!
Amelia: Miss Lina… are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Lina: *hearts on eyes*
Valgarv: Let that prince into the castle immediately! I think we have
a winner!
Lina: *starting to recover* Uh, what were you thinking, Amelia?
Amelia: I was thinking we’ve seen him before.
Lina: Yeah, I noticed it right away. Still, he looks really hot dressed
as a prince, wouldn’t you agree?
Amelia: Yeah, but not as hot as his lieutenant!
Zel & Gourry: *big blush*
Me: So Gourry’s procession triumphantly entered the palace gates, and
Gourry dismounted and strode up to sultan Valgarv, accompanied by Zelgadis
and Xellos.
Gourry: Greetings, I am prince Gourry.
Valgarv: I am the sultan of Agrabah. This is my daughter Lina…
Gourry: My lady. *takes Lina’s hand and kisses it*
Lina: *blush*
Valgarv: …my daughter’s handmaiden, Amelia, and my dead sexy guard captain,
Filia!
Filia: Uh… have we… met?
Gourry: *gulp* Naaaaaaaah. A-anyway, this is my lieutenant, Zelgadis,
and my, uh…
Xellos: Fashion coordinator.
Gourry: …right, fashion coordinator Xellos.
Zelgadis: OW!
Gourry: What?
Zelgadis: Someone just smacked my butt.
Xellos: Suck it up, wuss, you’re a soldier now! ^_^
Zelgadis: You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?
Xellos: Of course. ^_^
Voice: Heheehehehe…
Zangulus: *sticks head in the chamber* Sultan? Could I have a word with
you, please?
Valgarv: Zangulus, what the @#$@#$@#$ do ya think you’re doing? I’m
receiving a guest! Get out here and introduce yourself!
Zangulus: Please sir, it is of the utmost importance!
Valgarv: &%&#%&#@&#@%#$@%$… all right. Filia, come with
me. Go ahead and get acquainted, everyone! I’ll have Sylphiel bring in
some snacks. *they leave*
Lina: Well, then, PRINCE Gourry…
Gourry: Y-yes?
Lina: Explain! I want every detail on how you wound up waltzing in here
decked out like a king!
Gourry: Long story.
Xellos: That’s why I’m here to make it short! ^_^
Me: And with that, Xellos proceeded to give Lina and Amelia the 411
on how Gourry became a prince.
Lina: But Gourry, why exactly did you do it?
Xellos: Now that is a—
All: *shoot irritated looks at him*
Xellos: Just kidding! He did it for you, of course!
Lina: Eh?!
Gourry: It’s true. I did it because I… wanted to see you again, Lina.
Lina: *turning really red* Then…
Gourry: That’s right. Lina… I… I would like you to marry me.
Lina: Oh my Goddddddddddd…
Amelia: HOORAY!!!! You’ll say yes, won’t you Lina…
Lina: I… I… oh, who am I kidding? Sure I’ll marry you, Gourry!
Amelia: Yeessssssss! Isn’t this wonderful? *hugs Lina and then Zelgadis*
Zelgadis: Uhhh, sure. *blushing*
Xellos: Bleah. *looking ill*
Valgarv: *walks back in accompanied by Zangulus and Filia* Lina… there
is something I want to tell you.
Lina: I want to tell you something too, father! I’ve found the man for
me!
Valgarv: Of course. You will wed… Zangulus.
All: WHAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT????????????
Lina: But… but… why? *tearing up*
Valgarv: I’m sorry, Lina, but I had no choice but to agree.
Amelia: How could you agree to such an unjust thing?
Valgarv: Zangulus… somehow, he…
Zangulus: Got my hands on this! Gwa ha ha! *holds up Val’s cherry knocker*
Zelgadis: *gets righteous* What kind of pussy man are YOU? Ruining your
daughter’s life over a stupid toy!
Gourry: Anyway, I’m a PRINCE, so I think I get a little priority!
Zangulus: *evil smile* All right, if you’re a prince, what country do
you come from?
Gourry: Uh… uh…
Xellos: *shrugs*
Gourry: I… come from LAKE TITICACA!!! *pulls shirt collar over his hair and jumps around with arms out like Cornholio*
WHERE I COME FROM, WE HAVE NO BUNGHOLES! I WANT ALL YOUR CRAPPUCINO!!!!
Xellos: *helpfully* Do it, brother Gourry!
Lina, Filia, Amelia and Zelgadis: O_o;;
Zangulus: Are you kidding me?
Gourry: ARE YOU THREATENING ME? YOU DO NOT WANT TO FACE THE WRATH OF
MY BUNGHOLE!!!!
Zangulus: Oh, please. Just drop it. You’re the infamous food thief Gourry.
You just used a magic lamp to make yourself a prince.
Gourry: I have a portfolio in my bunghole… with my holio… uh oh.
Zelgadis: How could you know that???
Zangulus: Because I’ve got THIS too! *pulls out magic lamp*
Gourry: What the… how in the…
Lina: *slapping head* Gourry you jellyfish! Don’t tell me you lost THAT
too…
Gourry: No way! I gave it to Zel for safekeeping!
Amelia: You mean… Mr. ZELGADIS!!! You turned on him?! I can’t believe
I surrendered my flower to a traitor and enemy of justice!!!
All: *big sweatdrop*
Zelgadis: *really big sweatdrop, and even bigger sigh* No Amelia, I
didn’t give it to him.
Voice: Yeah, that was my doing!
All except Zangulus: Who…?
C-Martina: *pops out from under Zangulus’ hat* Hey boys! Miss me?
Zelgadis: YOU!
Gourry: That one slutty shrew!
C-Martina: WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SLUT!!!
Zelgadis: Then when I felt something hit me… you were pickpocketing
me!
C-Martina: Brilliant, Holmes. And now we have the lamp! Ahahahaha!!!
Zangulus: Xellos, if you please. *snaps finger*
Xellos: Well, it’s been fun, but, see ya! *walks over to Zangulus’ side*
Lina: ERRRRRRRRRRRRRR…
Zangulus: Now then! My first wish is to be sultan of Agrabah!
Xellos: Granted, you evil bastard, you! ^_^ *Val’s crown disappears
and appear’s on Zangulus’ hat*
Zangulus: Secondly, I wish to be the greatest swordsman in the world!
Xellos: Granted! *snaps fingers*
Zangulus: *takes Howling Sword out, twirls it through his fingers, tosses
it 30 feet in the air, catches it and sheathes it in one motion* All right!
Finally, I’m the world’s best!
Gourry: Shyeah, after you cheated.
Zangulus: Finally… I wish for Lina to fall desperately in love with
me!
Xellos: Uh, nope, no can do.
Zangulus: Why?!?!
All: Stupid question.
Xellos: That is a secret!
Zangulus: Why you little… *starts choking him*
Xellos: Hey! Hey! Okay, it’s against the rules, that’s why.
Zangulus: I see… *lets Xel go* in that case, I want Gabriev dead!
Xellos: That’s against the rules too.
Zangulus: Revive Vrumugen?
Xellos: Nope, against the rules.
Zangulus: Then, for my third wish, I shall…
Gourry: You’re not gonna get a chance, Zangulus! LIGHT COME FORTH!!!
Me: But this was not a typical duel. Zangulus, after all, had wished
to be the most powerful sorcerer—
Zangulus: SWORDSMAN!!!!
Me: Sorry. SWORDSMAN—in the world. Which meant that as good as he was,
Gourry was clearly outmatched.
*WHANG CLANG CRACK SLASH SWIPE*
Gourry: *blood trickling from corner of mouth, supporting himself on
his sword* Man… you weren’t kidding.
Lina: GOURRY!!! *runs to his side* Stop it, Zangulus!
Zelgadis: And we have OOC!!!
Lina: *shoots Zelgadis a VERY pissed look, and holds a charged fireball
on her hand*
Zelgadis: *sweatdrop* Never mind!
Gourry: It’s okay, Lina. Don’t interfere, this is a matter of… honor.
Lina: Gourry… *steps back*
Gourry: *winks at her*
Lina: Huh?
Gourry: You know… Zangulus… you’re certainly better than me now…
Zangulus: Nice to see you admit it. It’d be ironic if it wasn’t so pathetic.
Gourry: But… you’re still not the most powerful in the world.
Zangulus: Huh? How’s that?
Gourry: You see… you’re only stronger because Xellos gave you the power.
Fact is… you’ll never be as powerful… as a genie!
Zangulus: HUH?!
Amelia: Has he lost it?
Zelgadis: *smiling* I don’t think so.
Gourry: Well… I take… that back… there probably is a way… you could
become a… genie yourself!
Zangulus: Yes… that’s IT! XELLOS?!
Xellos: Y-yes?
Zangulus: For my third wish, I wish to be the most powerful genie that
ever existed!
Xellos: Oooookay. Granted. *snaps and Zangulus becomes a genie*
Zangulus: All RIGHT! Now no one can stand against me! PHENOMENAL COSMIC
POWER—WHOOOAAA!!!
Me: And just like that, Zangulus suddenly got sucked into his hat.
Gourry: *picks up hat* —Eenie bittie little living space. ( ( ( _^ \
) l /
Lina: The hat? I thought he was supposed to be sucked into a lamp…
Me: Well, I thought it would be more fitting this way. Valgarv, would
you do the honors?
Valgarv: DAMN RIGHT! *grabs hat* NO ONE MESSES WITH MY @^^&@#^%^@#%^%#^@#@#&%@&#
CHERRY KNOCKER AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!!! *flings hat out the window like
a Frisbee*
Filia: (I wish he was knocking a DIFFERENT cherry…) Well, I have to
hand it to you, Gourry. I never thought you’d be able to outsmart him like
that.
Zelgadis: Yeah, it must have been some bizarre heroic mental hiccup
or something.
Gourry: *blinks* What do you mean?
Amelia: *sigh* Oh, Gourry!
Valgarv: And take your shrew with you! *punts chibi-Martina out the
window*
C-Martina: WAAAAAAAH!!!!!!! It’s not fair!!!! *disappears over horizon*
Lina: Well, now that that jerk’s outta there, is it okay for Gourry
and I to get married?
Filia: There’s just one thing, we know he’s not a prince now.
Zelgadis: Well, you still have a wish left, right Gourry?
Xellos: But—but—I thought he was going to use that wish to free me from
my cycle of servitude!
Filia: Why would anyone ever want to free YOU?
Xellos: Um… because it would be nice?
All: ………
Xellos: WHAT?
Amelia: I guess this is your choice then, Gourry. Do you free Xellos
from slavery and lose Lina, or do you become a prince again and doom him
to the lamp for another millenium?
Gourry: Oh, that’s an easy choice! I wish to free Xellos!
All: WHAAA?!
Lina: DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!!!! STUPID MORAL QUANDARIES!!! AGHGGGHGHH!!!!!!
*stomps ground*
Zelgadis: Gourry…
Sylphiel: You…
Amelia: Jellyfish…
Filia: BRAIN!!!!
Xellos: Oh, thank you Gourry! *SMOOCH* I’m free! I’m free!
Amelia: Free to do what?
Xellos: Free to romp through the marketplace singing off key… free to
cross-dress… free to tell people “That’s a secret…” Free to peek into Filia’s
room while she’s taking a shower…
Filia: RAW GARBAGE!!!!! *WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK*
Valgarv: @#&@#^#%&#%@%@$#^#&@#$#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zelgadis: *sigh* Come on, Gourry. Let’s go.
Gourry: Good bye, Lina. You’re not mad at me are you? I was just trying
to do what’s right…
Lina: *muttering* …in the flow of time is where your power grows… I
pledge myself to conquer all the foes who…
All: OH CRAP!!!!!
Valgarv: Now wait just a minute, Lina! There’s no need to do that!
Lina: …huh?
Gourry: Huh?
Valgarv: Did you forget I’m the @$#%@$# sultan?
Zelgadis: Maybe they did after your girly-man act back there…
Valgarv: @#*^@#@*#$$%@#%@#^*@#@!!!!!
Zelgadis: Sorry!
Valgarv: Damn, I just want to see you happy! I don’t really give a @%#$@^#$
if he’s a prince or not, we’re rich enough. Go ahead and marry him. (Although
I still don’t understand how you picked him over Lord Garv…)
Lina: Oh, DADDY! YOU’RE THE BEST!! I LOVE YOU!!! *glomp*
Valgarv: Okay, okay, I get the #@$#$^%#@$%# point!!! Lemme go! Damn…
Filia: Oh, Val, how noble!
Valgarv: Aw, get outta here… *blushes*
Me: So Valgarv put Gourry and Zelgadis up in the palace and hooked Gourry
up with some new threads, since his clothes got shredded in his duel with
Zangulus. Meanwhile, Xellos ran amok through the city for a few days, and
Val sent Filia after him. Oddly enough, property damage climbed exponentially
after that…
Filia: *dragon form, stomping buildings, severely pissed* XELLOS! XELLOS!
XELLOS!!!!!!!!!
Xellos: You called? ^_^
Filia: *spits laser at Xellos, who dodges, and the beam clips the palace*
Valgarv: @#&*@*#^*@#%@^@&$$#@&%&@#^*#%@&*@#^%@*&%@$#@&#*%@^#%@&%#*&$*%&#%
@*&#*$#&@*%&@%#@*&#%@*^#%@*&#%@*&%*&#@$%@*&#%@#*&%@*^%$*&@%*^$%@*&$%@*&$%@&$#*@$^%@*#^%@*&$@*&%@&%*@&$%@*&%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Filia: Oops, I did it again ^_^;;
Me: Meanwhile, Martina was stuck off in the desert with only Zangulus’
hat for company.
Martina: Hey! I ought to be able to make wishes to Zangie and get my
revenge on Lina Inverse!!!
Xellos: Maybe I should have told her that a genie can only be summoned
every 10,000 years…
Martina: AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Amelia and Zelgadis hooked up immediately, since there were no laws
governing princesses’ attendants.
Amelia: Well, why should there be?
Me: Dunno. Gourry and Lina dated for a few months and, several smacks
upside the head later, they got married. Naturally, there was a big ball…
*Gourry and Lina go by, tangoing to the Pizzicato Five version of the
Lupin III theme (the Readymade Young Oh! Oh! Mix.) Every once in a while,
Gourry steps on Lina’s feet, and a quick “JELLYFISH!” *WHACK* “SORRY!”
follows*
Filia: They go together so well!
Sylphiel: *whimpering*
Filia: Well, now that the princess is married off, time to set my sights
on her father, hee hee.
Valgarv: Hey Filia, I’m looking for a @#$@#$@$@!#$$%$#^ dance partner.
Interested?
Filia: *blush* S-sure! *they start dancing*
Xellos: Phooey.
Sylphiel: *glances at him*
Xellos: *glances at her*
Sylphiel and Xellos: …..Naaaaaaaaaah. I’m not THAT desperate.
Amelia: Come on, Zelgadis! Why won’t you dance with me?
Zelgadis: Because if I step on your foot, I might break it.
Amelia: Oh for crying out loud! I’m wearing steel toed shoes!
Zelgadis: Wh-what?
Amelia: How do you think the Pacifist Crush gets its effectiveness?
*winks and drags him out on the floor*
Naga: *drunk off her ass* I am Shailor Moooon, da Grandmudder of Jushtish!
Sylphiel: Oh, brother…
Me: Finally, after a night of heavy partying, Lina and Gourry slipped
out onto the balcony for some time alone.
Lina: Nice night.
Gourry: Yeah.
Lina: This is amazing… just a little while ago, we were strangers, and
then you wound up my fiancé!
Gourry: That’s a pickle, right?
Lina: GOURRY!!!!!! *punches him off the balcony into the fountain*
Me: Some things never change, I guess. One blow-drying later…
Xellos: Oh my, that can SO be taken the wrong way… ^_^
Gourry: I’m glad things turned out this way, Lina.
Lina: Me too. I finally met someone who loves me for being me, not a
princess.
Gourry: And I finally met someone who doesn’t care that I was born with
nothing.
Lina: I… I love you.
Gourry: I love you too. *They kissed. Awwww.*
Filia: It’s a Kodak Moment. *eyes shining*
Xellos: More like a Maalox Moment for me… *looking sick*
*Music starts up*
Lina and Gourry: A WHOLE NEW WORRRRRRRRRRLLLLDDDD—
*Music does that vrrrrrp sound and abruptly stops*
Me: NO WAY! I HATE THAT SONG.
Amelia: But it’s how the movie ends!
Me: *brandishes loaded AK-47* I SAID NO.
All: *sweatdrop and back away*
Me: NOW THEN… Lina and Gourry got married. So did Amelia and Zel. Filia
pulled rank and got hitched to Valgarv. They all lived happily ever after…
except for Zangulus and Martina, that is, who were stuck out in the desert
a long, long time.
Martina: CURSE YOU LINA INVERSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lina: Thank God it’s over. Anyway, are you going to make any sequels
for this?
Me: Huh? Why would I do that?
Filia: You know, for the direct-to-video movies Return Of Jafar and
Alladin And The King of Thieves?
Me: Hell no. I’ve never seen those, I do have my dignity.
All: Whew.
Me: Although I won’t rule out doing another fairy tale sometime in the
future. But I have no ideas, so I guess that means you’re off the hook
for a while.
Sylphiel: Why do you only write Slayers fanfics, anyway?
Me: All my other favorite animes have casts that are way too big.
All: Oh.
Me: So! See ya around.
Sylphiel: Will I ever see you again?
Me: Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon. *sweeps her off her
feet and frenches her*
Sylphiel: C-call me! I’m in the book!
Me: *to myself* I wonder when Alyson’s gonna finish that pic?
Filia: YOU PERVERT!!!! *grabs Ragudo Mezeghis from Val and starts chasing
me*
Me: *sweatdrop* OH CRAP!!!!! *goes SD and runs like hell from Filia
who keeps shooting laser breath at me, while the rest of the gang laughs*
A-anyway, until next time!
Filia: KEBINU!!! PREPARE TO DIE—oh, uh, bye!
All: BYE!!! *credits roll as “eX Dream” by Myuji starts to play*
THE END.
Xellos: Um, you do know that X is supposed to be a shoujo series, don’t
you?
Me: I don’t care, the song rocks. Download it if you can find it! Until
next time, thanks for reading! Bye!