One evening…
Alyson: *rocking back and forth in chair* Hmm, hmm, hmm. Think… new fairy tail for the guys…
Me: *sticks his head in the door* Uh… excuse me?
Alyson: Um, who are you and why did you just stick your head through my door? o_o;;
Me: *realizes he forgot to open the door before he stuck his head through* Huh? D’OH! *pulls head out, then OPENS door and steps through* Sorry about the door…
Alyson: No big deal… I guess. Sooo who are you?
Me: *anime nervous finger twitch* Well… Miss Alyson, I’m an aspiring fanfic writer with no site of my own. I was really impressed with your fairy tales. I thought they were an absolute riot. In fact, they inspired me to whip up one of my own. And I was, well, wondering if I could try it out.
Alyson: …well… *rocks forward, leans hands on knees and smiles eagerly* What’s in it for me?
Me: *thinks* She’s been hanging around Lina too much. -_- *speaks* Well, I suppose THIS could be a payment. ^_^ *pulls out Gourry plushie*
Alyson: *stars in eyes, hand clasp, sparkling bubbly background, etc. etc.* AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! KAWAII KAWAII KAWAII!!!! ^o^
Me: I’m glad you like it. So do we have a deal?
Alyson: *drooling, waves hand dismissively* Yeah, yeah! Sure sure sure, go right ahead!
Me: Pleasure doing business with you. *tosses her the plushie and walks off to the gang’s holding pen*
*silence*
Me: Um. Hello. Uh… hi? Hey, where IS every-
All: *hiding*
Me: ALL RIGHT YOU SCRAWNY BIG-EYED-
Lina: (Who’s he calling scrawny?)
Zelgadis: (Shhhhhh!)
Me: -POINTY-NOSED LONG-HAIRED-
Gourry: I’ll give him points for accuracy on that one.
All: SHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Me: -FLAT-CHESTED LITTLE TWERPS, IF YOU DON’T SHOW IN 10 SECONDS I’M GOING TO-
Lina: *jumps out and starts throttling me* WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Xelloss: He just tricked you into coming out, Lina. ^_^
Lina: *looks at me* Huh? CRAP!
Me: ^_^
Zelgadis: *sigh* Our cover’s blown, everyone.
All: *sigh and come out of hiding*
Me: Anyway, I was surfing the net one day and wound up reading Alyson’s hilarious-
Filia: -Torture sessions-
Me: Ahem, FANFICS-which tore a bunch of sappy fairy tales up in a most entertaining manner.
Lina: Well I’m glad you LIKED THEM. (dripping with sarcasm)
Xelloss: Hey! *I* thought they were fun!
All: YOU WOULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Xelloss: ^^;
Me: I also thought the way they kept hooking Amelia and Zel up was kind of… cute. *sheepish smile*
All: O.o;;
Zelgadis: Uhm. You’re… not like… HIM… are you? *jerks a finger in Xelloss’ direction*
Me: NO I’M NOT GAY!!!!!!!! Sheesh, you can’t be a sentimentalist at ALL any more…
Xelloss: Hey now! I’m not gay either! Indulging in my crossdressing fetish is nothing more than good-natured fun to me. I like girls a lot… see? *nuzzles Filia*
Filia: SHRIEK!!!!!! *whips out mace-sama and smacks Xelloss through the wall*
Xelloss: *crawling out of the wall* You’re all a bunch of homophobes…
Me: Ahem, this is a fanfic, not a philosophical discussion! We lose more readers that way.
All: Gomen!
Me: That’s better. Anyway, this time instead of some Disney-tized fairy tale, I’m gonna slap you guys into a more contemporary allegory.
Gourry: Help, big words.
Sylphiel: He means we’re gonna be in a more modern story, Gourry dear.
Gourry: Those were made-up?!
All: *face vault*
Me: This story has it all… love, hate, midgets, flying monkeys, you name it.
Martina: Oooh, ambitious. I like that in a man!
Zangulus: …
Amelia: May I have a line now?
Me: Sure.
Amelia: What is the name of this story, sir? And what roles will we play?
Lina: Amelia, you almost sound eager to do this!
Zelgadis: That’s cause it’ll be done quicker that way.
Xelloss: That, and she just knows it’ll result in romance for her and you know who…
All: *catcalling* WWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zelgadis: *blush*
Me: So, the story you’ll be parodying is none other than the legendary allegorical and extremely sappy novel and movie, “The Wizard of Oz!”
Xelloss: What exactly possessed you to do this?
Me: Probably sitting up at 11:00 PM in my dorm with nothing else to do, cramming three cans of Cherry Pepsi into my system, and listening to “Have A Cigar” by Pink Floyd 25 times in a row.
Gourry: Figures.
Lina: What about the cast?
Me: I’ll be taking the reins as the narrator.
All: Figures.
Me: Did you honestly think I’m dumb enough to trust a bunch of mutineers like you with control of the story?
All: ^_^
Me: Wipe those grins off your faces. In the title role, we have none other than the Trickster Priest, Xelloss Metallium.
Xelloss: But… but… why must I be a good guy? Can’t I be a witch? I look good in drag…
Me: Listen, the wizard is a good guy, but he’s a shifty, manipulative, lying weasel of a good guy who pisses everyone else off. You ought to be able to play that role perfectly.
Xelloss: Good point.
Me: And if I hear one more gripe out of you about your role, I’ll arrange to have you tied down and turn Filia loose on you.
Xelloss: *brightening* Is that a promise?
Filia: *glare* Don’t get any ideas, Raw Garbage!
Xelloss: *twitch*
Me: As Dorothy, the lost little girl, we have Lina Inverse.
Lina: Objection!
Me: Overruled. As the scarecrow, we have Gourry Gabriev.
Gourry: Uh…
Xelloss: Perfect role for him, if I do say so myself.
Me: You did. As the tin man, we have Zelgadis Graywords.
Zelgadis: If you make them squirt oil on me, I’m going to put my sword through your keyboard.
Me: Gee, that’s too bad, Zel. That stuff may have actually been capable of holding your hair down.
Zelgadis: …
Me: In the role of the cowardly lion, princess Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun.
Amelia: Does this mean I get to link arms with Zelgadis?
Zelgadis: *blushing*
Me: Yes. But no glomping unless the situation calls for it.
Amelia: Okay! *glomps Zelgadis*
Me: I said “Unless the situation calls for it!”
Amelia: And according to my discretion, it did!
Zelgadis: *BEET red* …
Me: *sigh* As the wicked witch of the west, we have Martina.
Martina: Ewwww! I don’t want to play a witch! They’re all… warty! Why must a princess such as myself be reduced to such a disgusting role?
Me: Because I said so. As the witch of the north, we have Filia Ul Copt.
Filia: WhatwhatWHAT?! I’m a witch too?!
Me: No no! You’re really a good witch!
Filia: That’s better.
Xelloss: *snicker* As if there WAS such a thing…
Filia: WHY YOU LITTLE-! *chasing Xelloss around*
Xelloss: ^_^
Me: As the wicked witch of the east, we have Valgarv.
Valgarv: @#(*&(*%)@&#*@&#)(*!@&(^#@(&*$^)@(#&!(*^%(@&#*(!&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: At least I’m not forcing you to dress in drag, Val. And as the swordsman of the south, we have Zangulus.
Zangulus: Eh?
Xelloss: My, my, I’ve never heard of THAT role bef-
*WHACK*
Me: Arigato, Filia.
Filia: *putting mace-sama away* Any time.
Me: As the munchkins, we have Sylphiel, Phil, Naga, Rezo and Copy Rezo.
Sylphiel: *gaa gaa eyes* Gourry-saaaamaaaaa…
Phil: These munchkins seem to be justice-oriented folk.
Naga: Ohhhhhohohohoho!
Rezo: Hmmmm…
Copy: How come I always get listed after him? *jerks a finger at Rezo*
Me: Because, Copy, you are… a puppet.
Copy: @#)*(&@)(#*&@!)(*&)($*@&#(*)#^(!*@!(*)#!@&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Sorry, I’ve always wanted to say that. As Toto, we have Jiras!
Jiras: *walks out in chibi form*
Valgarv: What the $&*#@&@#& did you do to my henchman???? O.o
Me: Don’t hassle me, dragon boy. I WAS going to make you the captain of the flying monkeys and kill Naga instead, but I decided to be merciful and get you out of the fic as soon as possible. I could always change my mind though…
Valgarv: Um… um… *stutters*
Lina: Phooey.
Naga: OOOOOOOOhhhhhhhhhhhhhohohohohohoho! You see, little Lina, I’m not so easy to get rid of! Ooooohhhohohoho!
Lina: FIREBALL! *roasts Naga to extra-crispy*
Me: Arigato, Lina.
Lina: ^_^
Zelgadis: *rolls eyes* Can we get on with the dang story?
Me: Of course. *snaps fingers and Sylphiel, Phil, Rezo and Copy Rezo all go SD*
SD Copy: HE DID IT AGAIN! IT’S ALWAYS REZO, REZO, REZO!
SD Sylphiel: Would you shut up?
Me: Okay, show time!
All: *groan*