Ranma 1/2 fanfic Happosai 1/2 by Warp Zone Happosai gasped with ragged breath as he approached the Tendo Residince. He climbed unsteadily up the side of the house to Akane's window, where a light was already on. He nervously tapped on the window... "Aaagh! Ranma, Happosai's peeping on me!" Akane stomped over to the window. She was about to feed Happosai his own head, when she realized that he was trying to tell her something. Curious, Akane opened the window. "Akane... It's me!" Happosai gasped. "You've got to help me!" "Oh, what do you want, you dirty old pervert!?" It was not a question she really needed an answer to. But Happosai's response surprised her. "No, Akane, It's ME! It's Ranma! You've got to help me stop Happosai before he ruins my life!" "WHAT!?" Akane jumped back from the window. "Happosai, that's not funny!" But Akane saw fear reflected in Happosai's eyes. "Akane, just listen to me! Happosai, he... he switched us somehow... He's trying to get you and me married so he can..." Ranma suddenly burst in through the door. "You hentai," he shouted, "Why can't you just leave us alone!?" "There he is!" Happosai shouted, "Grab him! He knows how to undo this!" Happosai suddenly leapt at Ranma and wrestled him to the ground. Ranma tried to do his Anything-Goes-Emergency-Happosai-Takedown, a move which he had perfected himself, but he had never needed to use it in his male form before, so he was a little off-balance. Akane watched the two struggle for a moment, unsure who to clobber. If Happosai was telling the truth... "EVERYBODY STOP!" Ranma and Happosai suddenly froze and looked at Akane. "Ranma," she said to Happosai, "If that's really you in there, tell me again what you said to me on my birthday." "Um... When on your birthday?" Ranma and Happosai glared at each other. Akane looked at Happosai with emotional eyes. "At sunset. When we were watching the sunset and you gave me your present. Remember whet you said to me then?" "Oh, of course! I could never forget that!" Happosai took Akane by the shoulders and looked deep into her eyes. "I love you, Akane." Ranma snarled at Happosai. "Actually..." Akane slowly began to glow blue. "...you insulted my cooking and appologized for forgetting to get me a present." There was a long silence. "Uh-oh..." "Let's get him." Ranma and Akane did their Kunou-let-his-guard-down combo on Happosai, hitting him simultaniously from both sides and sending him crashing through the window. "Really," Ranma said, shaking his head, "I don't know why he goes to so much trouble!" "You'd think he'd learn by now," Akane agreed. "I mean, you, of all people..." Ranma failed to notice Akane's aroura flaring up again. "Why would he bother?" -KABOOM!- Happosai heard a loud crash and looked behind him. Ranma sailed over his head, and eventually splashed down into the pond. Happosai grinned. Everything was proceeding according to plan. By this time tomorrow, he would be able to have any girl in Furinkan. ....................... Ranma-chan and Genma-panda swept past each other in mid-air. Ranma-chan unleashed a fury of punches at her father, who blocked them skillfully. Both combatants landed on oposite sides of the pond and leapt back into the fray, each trying to knock the other into the pond below. Ranma and Genma had each been dunked once; hence their current forms. It was round three. Genma swiped viciously at Ranma-chan, who twisted in mid-air to dodge the blows. They landed, and jumped again. Ranma-chan suddenly switched tactics, and lashed at the panda with a spin-kick on her way up. Again, Genma was just barely able to block the attack. But as he landed, Genma quickly scrawled something on one of his signs before jumping back up. Curious, Ranma squinted to read it on her way up. The writing was very, very small, but she finally got it. IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU'D BETTER BE BLOCKING. Genma smacked Ranma-chan in the face with the sign, sending her splashing into the pond again. TRAINING'S OVER, Genma signed, WORK ON YOUR DEFENSE. ....................... Happosai leaned forward, peering through the bushes. He watched Genma-panda enter the dojo, leaving Ranma alone by the pond. And in female form, too! Perfect! Ranma-chan flexed her way through her daily kata exercises. She hated this form, but she knew she had to train equally in both bodies to keep up her skills. After all, she couldn't count on there being a kettle of hot water around in an emergency. Suddenly, Ranma-chan felt her head get heavier. Happosai leaned over from his pearch on Ranma's head, grinning madly into her startled face and waving a bra around. "Aaagh!" Ranma-chan swooped her head froward, sending the old man crashing to the ground. "Don't DO that!" Happosai's good mood seemed unaffected. "I got this just for you, Ranma- chan!" he grinned. "It's especially designed for comfort and support!" Ranma-chan looked ready to send Happosai on one of his frequent trips into next week. "I keep telling you, I REFUSE to wear a bra! Just give it back to whoever you stole it from and leave me alone!" Happosai looked deflated. "Just try it on once! I promise you'll be more comfortable with it on..." Happosai paused to get out a camera. "Okay, go ahead..." Ranma-chan seriously considered using a Chi-based attack on Happosai. But no, that would be a waste of her power. Instead, she just punched him up into the air... Happosai caught the branch of a tree on the way up, and swung himself back down. He landed a few feet away from Ranma-chan. "You're really over- reacting," he said, "Must be your period." "I don't go through PMS!" Ranma lied, "I'm not really a girl, so just leave me alone!" Happosai scoffed. "You always say that you're still a man inside. What would you say if I could prove that your female form affects your mind, as well as your body?" Ranma-chan face-faulted. The thought actually scared her. The one thing that kept her going some days was her belief that nothing really changed when she got wet. Ranma didn't know much about hormones and stuff, but she realized that Happosai might be right. Being female might affect her mind a little... "How do you propose to prove such a thing," she asked carefully. Happosai smiled, and reached into his pocket. From within, he pulled two cloth headbands. One was white. The other, black. "These headbands belonged to Shampoo," he explained, "I was going through her underwear drawer when I found them." Ranma rolled her eyes. "Apparently, they can be used to compare minds and see who is more feminine. I think they were part of some sort of Amazon ritual." Ranma hesitated. According to legend, there were harmless, even useful magical spells and artifacts scattered throughout the world, but Ranma had never encountered any of them. In fact, he had never once encountered any instance of magic-use which hadn't been a complete dissaster for him and anyone in his general vincinity. For this reason, he was somewhat reluctant to try on the headbands. "What's the matter," Happosai asked, "Aren't you man enough to risk knowing I'm right?" That did it. Ranma-chan grabbed the white headband from Happosai. "Should I try to think masculine thoughts, or something?" she asked. "No, just put it on." Happosai said. "This isn't a tug-of-war. It just scans our minds, then both headbands turn white if you are more feminine, black if I am. Ranma-chan thought for a moment. "What if they turn grey?" "Draw game," he said, then slipped his on. Happosai suddenly shouted "ANYTHING-GOES MARTIAL ARTS MAGIC WORD SPECIAL!" He then spewed forth every possible syllable that could be part of a magic word. It took him about three minutes to say it all. Somewhere in the mess, he hit the right combination to activate the headbands. Ranma-chan's vision suddenly blurred. She felt something, a strange disturbance in her Chi. Her body suddenly went limp, and she and Happosai both screamed and collapsed on the ground. The white headband turned black, and the black headband turned white. Ranma's body twiched. She opened her eyes. Then, she suddenly jumped up and took a deep breath of air. "It worked...!" Ranma-chan suddenly snatched the headband off Happosai's head and pocketed it, along with her own. Happosai groaned as he came to. "What happened?" he asked, "My back feels like it's..." Happosai looked up and saw Ranma-chan standing over him. His voice suddenly dissapeared. "Oh no..." he whispered. "Oh, yes!" Ranma sneered. "You can't possibly have switched us...!?" Ranma-chan laughed out loud as she did a backflip. "Oh, to be young again! You were telling the truth, Ranma! It feels almost perfectly normal..." Her hand flew down to her crotch for a moment. "I hardly even notice it's missing, if I don't think about it..." Happosai straightened up. He felt a little brittle, but reasonably stable. Happosai kept his body in pretty good shape, considering his age. "Get out of my body, you pervert!" Happosai shouted, "You have no right to do this! Auugh..." This last bit was forced from him as Ranma clamped a hand around his neck, slowly choking him. "Show your elder some respect!" Ranma-chan taunted, "I can overpower you easily now..." But Happosai wasn't beaten yet. he thought, The two grappled for a moment, before a shout from the dojo startled them. "Happosai! Get away from her!" It was Akane. Happosai thought. Ranma slowly tilted her head to the side, grinning evilly. She drew the next sentance out slowly, savoring every word: "GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU HENTAI!" With that, Ranma-chan punched Happosai into the sky. Seeing that all was well, Akane quickly returned inside for a kettle of hot water. "Here you go, Ranma," Akane said, and splashed her with the water. "AAAAAGH! AKANE!" Ranma-kun grabbed her by the collar. "It doesn't have to be BOILING, does it!?" Akane winced. She had just grabbed the teakettle off the stove, without even checking how hot it was. The wince quickly turned into a scowl, however. "WELL, EXCUSE ME!" She shouted, mentally preparing for their inevitable "you're a klutz" fight. "If you like, next time I can just leave you there and let Happosai feel you up!" "I'm sorry," Ranma said, a little too quickly. "It's just that that dirty old man makes me so mad sometimes... The water just kinda set me off." "I, I..." Akane didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry, t-too..." The appology had caught her completely off-guard. "...for the water..." She lapsed into a kind of silent shock. This had never happened before. Ranma watched as Akane walked back into the house. he asked himself. ....................... Happosai groaned as he climbed out of the crater he had made. he thought. Happosai stood up and looked around, trying to determine what part of Furinkan he had landed in. He was about to ask some bystander when, suddenly, a loud voice rang out at him. "THERE HE IS! GET HIM!" Happosai turned to see a mob of young women carying brooms, pitchforks, and torches. He could even see a few swords flashing about in the throng of angry girls. "Listen to me," Happosai started, "I am not... who you think I am..." "KILL HIM!" Happosai took off running, pursued by an angry mob shouting for blood. Happosai thought furiously, ....................... "Thank you so much for agreeing to this Ranma," Akane said. Ranma smiled galliantly as Akane handed him a plate of teriyaki. "Anytime, Akane," he grinned. "Now, we ran out of a few spices," she warned, "so I had to make a few... substitutions..." "That's okay," Ranma said, raising his chopsticks, "What diffrence could a few spices ma-" Ranma's sentence was cut off as the mouthful of rice hit his tounge, and he had to clamp his mouth shut just to keep from spitting it out. "Well?" Akane said eagerly, "How is it?" But Ranma appeared unable to speak. He was sweating profusely and his face was starting to turn green. Then blue. A little bit of juice began trickling down his throat, and he almost gagged. It was all he could do to get a napkin up to his mouth before he spat it out. Akane's face fell. "You don't like it? After I worked so hard on it!?" Ranma tried to regain his composure. "I-it just... needs something..." He didn't want to wind up the same way the real Ranma always did. "Tell me, what exactly did you do diffrently?" Akane snarled, begining to burn angrily. "You DARE insult my cooking, after I slaved for THREE HOURS ON IT!?" Ranma hid behind Kasumi, who had walked into the room just in time to hide behind. "I appreciate the effort," Ranma wailed, "but it just doesn't taste right..." Akane pulled a hammer from nowhere and began circling Kasumi, trying get her hands on Ranma. But Ranma kept running from her, keeping poor Kasumi between them at all costs. Kasumi just smiled sweetly, amused. "Is this about something Akane cooked?" "Yeah," Ranma said, narowly dodging Akane's mallet. "May I see it?" she querried. Surprised, Akane nodded, and handed her the plate. Kasumi took a big mouthfull of the rice. "Careful, it's..." "Oh dear!" Kasumi suddenly lurched forward, but quickly regained control of herself. "Yes, Akane, where did you get the sake for this?" Akane looked disturbed. "The red bottle with the cork, why?" "I thought so." Kasumi grinned sadly. "That is where I keep the vinegar. Also, you're supposed to take the cloves out before serving." Kasumi made a face and bravely swallowed the rice in her mouth. "Please don't give up, dear." With that, she walked out of the kitchen, leaving Ranma and Akane alone. "Sorry I couldn't eat it," Ranma said after a while, "I know you tried your best..." Akane nibbled a peice of the rice and decided he had had just cause for his actions. "Sorry I... almost killed you," she said. "Say, what's with all the apologies all of a sudden?" Ranma panicked. "I, uh... Just trying to be nicer... After all, if we're supposed to be married some day..." Akane sighed. She looked at Ranma. There was something diffrent about the way he looked at her. Could it be that he was finally growing up... or was it something else? "Are you sure about that, Ranma?" she asked with a grin. "You wouldn't mind marrying a kawaiikune tomboy like me?" "Oh, Akane... I don't mean it when I say that..." He smiled at her. "Sure, you do act like a tomboy sometimes, but there's nothing unfeminine about your body. You've got the most beutiful pair of..." Ranma suddenly stopped as he realized she wasn't taking this the way he had meant it. "Eyes! I swear I was going to say eyes..." "RANMA NO BAKA!!!" =CRASH!= ....................... Ranma-chan groaned as she pulled herself out of the river. she thought to herself. Ranma-chan squeezed the water out of her ponytail and made her way towards the nearby Nekohanten. ....................... -KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK- "Shampoo? It's Ranma!" There was a sign on the door, explaining that they were closed today because of an Amazon holiday, but Ranma-chan took no heed of it. -KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK- "Come on, I need some hot water!" Little did Ranma-chan realize that Shampoo was in the same predicament she was. After a few more minutes of knocking, Ranma let herself in. "Hello? Shampoo?" The resturant appeared to be empty. "Is anyone here?" Ranma entered the kitchen and froze. There was a pot of water for ramen heating up on the stove, but it was not this that commanded Ranma's attention. Ranma was shocked to find Shampoo's clothing in a crumpled wet pile on the floor. Carefully, Ranma stepped over the clothes and poured some of the water over herself, becoming a boy again. Suddenly, he heard a very quiet thump behind him and spun around. "Shampoo?" Ranma felt something brush against his leg and looked down. There was Shampoo, in cat-form, purring and nuzzling against him. Ranma grinned. That explained the clothes. "Why, hello Shampoo." Ranma kneeled down and scratched Shampoo's chin for her. "Cologne's not around, is she?" Shampoo-cat shook her head no and purred. Shampoo rolled over and Ranma scratched her tummy. Shampoo pawed the air and grinned up in him in a toothy cat-grin that would have sent the real Ranma screaming out the window. "I guess you need some hot water too, huh?" Shampoo meowed and nodded her head eagerly. "Okay, then..." Ranma grinned evilly and dumped the rest of the warm water over Shampoo. "Reeou-nma!" Shampoo pulled Ranma close before he could get a good look at her naked body. "Not afraid of Shampoo anymore?" Ranma grinned. "Nope." He drew her in closer. "Shampoo..." Just as their lips were about to meet, Ranma heard Shampoo gasp and looked up. "AAAAAAAGGHH!" Ranma and Cologne screamed at each other. "GET OUT!" Cologne shouted. "Grandma?" Shampoo cried, trying to cover herself. "What wrong with you?" "Yeah," Ranma complained, "I thought you wanted this!" "It's my heart!" Cologne cried, "It was such a shock to see you together... I need to lie down..." Shampoo frowned. She knew Cologne was tougher than that. "Ranma come back tomorow," she said, and pushed him out the door. -SLAM!- Ranma blinked. What had just happened? ....................... As Cologne breathed a sigh of relief, Shampoo got angry. "What the hell was that all about!?" she asked in Chineese. Cologne also switched to Chineese. "Tell me, child, didn't it strike you as odd that Ranma didn't even flinch when he saw you in cat-form?" Shampoo shrugged. "Ranma must have gotten over his fear of cats. Really, I thought you'd be happy that we were finally getting together..." Cologne laughed. "So you mean you didn't even notice that he was walking diffrently?" Shampoo blinked. "...Or that he was so self-consious about his breasts when he first walked in here? I thought Ranma was used to carrying them around by now..." Shampoo gasped. How could she, a trained Amazon warrior, have missed such obvious signs? "That wasn't Ranma!" she realized. "No," Cologne said, "I don't know who or what it was, but it wasn't Ranma." ....................... Ranma sighed as he flopped down onto his bed. he thought to himself. Ranma grinned. As far as he knew, he was the last surviving Dragon Knight... "Ranma?" Ranma looked up to see Nabiki standing in the doorway. "What do you want?" Nabiki grinned. "My sources tell me you're dangerously close to choosing a fiancee..." Ranma rolled his eyes. "And I suppose you're here to convince me to choose Akane?" Nabiki looked put out. "Of course not. I know my sister can do better. No, I was just wondering... do you have any idea who your choice will be yet?" Ranma tried to keep from staring at Nabiki's chest. "No... so far I'm just looking. I suppose this is the kind of thing people like to bet on?" Nabiki looked shocked. "Why, Ranma! I wouldn't dream of taking bets about such a serious matter. Besides, I don't like to risk my money by gambling..." "... Unless you already know what the outcome will be." Nabiki sighed and turned to leave. "Well, just do some thinking. If you want to talk to me about it, you know where my room is. Of course, it would only be courteous to buy me dinner first..." "Go away, Nabiki!" Nabiki shrugged and closed the door behind her. Ranma shook his head and tried to get Nabiki's body out of his mind. Ranma suddenly sat upright. "A cold shower!?" ....................... Hours later, Akane knocked on the bathroom door. "Ranma? Are you done in there!?" "Just a second..." Ranma-chan sounded slightly annoyed. A few minutes later, the door opened, and Akane pushed past Ranma into the bathroom. Both were wearing bathrobes. Just as she was about to close the door, Akane noticed something. She stopped, blinked, rubbed her eyes, and couldn't help noticing it again. "Is that my bra?" "Erp!" Ranma-chan pulled her robe closed at the neck. "No, uh... Nabiki ordered this for me..." Ranma could tell she wasn't buying it. There was only one way out... "Besides... it's about TWO SIZES LARGER than any of yours!" "RANMA NO BAKA!!!" =CRASH!= ....................... Happosai landed softly in the hallway and silently crept towards Akane's room through the darkness. He had never thought he would feel so creepy in such familiar territory, but he knew that if any member of his family saw him, he was done for. This realization only made it creepier. The door slowly squeeked open. Akane muttered in her sleep, but did not wake up. "Akane?" Happosai whispered. "Ranma..." Akane rolled over, still half-asleep. "No... I mean, yes! It's me, but..." Happosai winced as Akane's eyes shot wide open. "Happosai!" Akane didn't know whether to pull the covers on tighter so he couldn't see her, or throw them off so she could fight better. "I warned you last time..." Akane trailed off as she realized Happosai was whispering. Happosai never whispered. "Akane, just listen to me... you aren't going to believe this..." Akane got the feeling she knew where this was going. "Ranma?" Happosai blinked. "Yes!" Akane flopped back onto her pillow and rolled over. "You're right," she said, "I don't believe it." "Akane!" Happosai jumped over the bed and continued talking in her face. "It's true this time! I can prove it. Ask me anything!" "Mmm-Hmm. Okay then, Happosai, when's my birthday?" Happosai's blood froze. "Um... I don't know... but..." Akane sat up and grinned. "That's correct. The problem is, anyone could have gotten that one." Akane promptly went back to sleep. "Akane...!" "Heh heh heh." Happosai's eyes shot over to where Ranma-chan was standing in the doorway. "YOU!" Happosai took up a fighting stance. "GIMME THAT BODY!" Ranma shrugged. "You can't have it, you dirty old man!" Ranma sounded a lot more desperate than she looked, in case others were listening. "Stop fooling around! Where are those headbands!?" Happosai grabbed Ranma-chan by the neck of her pajamas, then stopped suddenly. "Is... Is that a bra?" "That's all I needed to hear!" Akane stopped pretending to sleep and jumped out of bed. "You're definitely the real Happosai!" Happosai groaned. "No! I want her to take off the bra..." =PUNCH!= =PUNCH!= =KICK!= =PUNCH!= =CRASH!= ....................... Happosai groaned as he came to. It was already morning. Where had he landed? All he could tell was that he was tied to something soft and had been blindfolded. Then he heard a woman giggling insanely in the backround. "Kodachi...?" he mumbled. At the sound of his own voice, Happosai remembered whose body he was in. "AAAAAHHH!" Happosai smashed his way desperately through two brick walls, escaping from the Nekohanten. "WAIT!" Cologne cried, "HAPPY! COME BACK..." Shampoo peered into the very distant backround. "That not Happosai," she said. Cologne blinked. "Are you sure?" Shampoo looked worried. "Who keep impersonating people? Is doppleganger?" "Ah yes, I see it now." Cologne thought for a moment. "Whoever that Happosai clone was, I'm sure it's not the same creature that impersonated Ranma." Shampoo looked worried. "Grandma think is more than one?" Cologne mearly peered into the distance, at the tiny perverted dot on the horizon. "Hmmmm..." ....................... "You really mean it?" Ukyou asked eagerly. "I really mean it," Ranma answered. "You really really mean it!?" "Yes." "Really?" "Yes!" "Oh, Ranma!" Ukyou embraced Ranma and the two kissed passionately. They dropped onto Ukyou's bed, kissing and rolling around together... "Ukyou, we need to order more soy sauce. The customers are -ACK!" Konatsu fainted and collapsed on the floor. "Konatsu?" Ukyou broke the kiss and looked up. "Oh dear..." The second she was distracted, however, Ranma latched onto her chest like... well, like Happosai, actually. "LET GO!" Ukyou used her spatula to pry him off of her and batted him out the window. Then she realized that she probably didn't want to have done that. "Please, call me!" she yelled out the window. ....................... Happosai sat on the roof, desolately throwing pebbles into the pond. he thought. Happosai was afraid. He didn't know where the old man was or what he was doing with his body. The guy had always been a nusance before, but a largely harmless nuscance. He had never tried anything so... diabolical... before. "Happosai? Are you okay?" Happosai looked down. Kasumi was standing outside on the ground below. "You look depressed," she said. "Do you want to talk about it?" Happosai sighed and closed his eyes. "You wouldn't believe me. Nobody believes me. What's the point?" Kasumi pouted. "If you're hungry, we have some leftovers," she said. "Ranma didn't eat quite as much tonight..." "No, that's okay," Happosai said. "I can't risk them catching me. Thanks anyway." Kasumi could hear his stomach begin to growl, and she went back inside. Happosai leaned back and looked up at the sky. Was it misty out tonight or were Happosai's eyes weaker? For whatever reason, Happosai couldn't see as many stars as usual. =THUMP= Happosai looked to his left. Kasumi had tossed him up a bento full of her cooking. Happosai undid the cloth bundle, and smiled. All his favorite foods. Happosai smiled. "Thanks, Kasumi..." ....................... Kasumi smiled as she stepped indoors. She only knew one person who ate that fast. Happosai had attacked the bread rolls first, but had saved one for the end of the meal. He had double-dipped the chicken in soy sauce, and had gobbled the rice down super-fast, but had managed not to spill a single grain. Kasumi only knew one person who ate like that. She was sure of it. Kasumi decided against visiting Dr. Tofu for help on this. He would probably studder a lot, and run into things, and there just wasn't time for that. Instead, Kasumi picked up the phone... "Nekohanten. Ramen delivered hot and fresh in just ten minutes..." "Yes, could I please speak to Cologne?" ....................... Ranma leapt from rooftop to rooftop. This was it. This time it had to work. He was running out of fiancees, for one thing. Ranma landed on the street. There were no more rooftops between himself and the rooftop that he wanted to land on. Ranma looked towards his destination looming in the distance. It had a BIG rooftop. ....................... Kuno Kodachi stretched luxuroisly out on her bed, sipping her afternoon tea from a delicate china cup. Dishes were strewn all over her bed, with remains of a dozen dainty courses. Suddenly, her eyes widened. "..." She heard it again. "...Kodachi..." "Ranma!?" Kodachi leapt from bed to wall to floor, landing before her open window. "Kodachi! I'm comming!" Kodachi winced. "Watch out for the..." Ranma tripped a securety system, and twin machine guns began firing at him from the top of the Kuno mansion. Ranma dodged, running at full speed and evading the streams of bullets until he was past the range of the sensors. The machine guns stopped firing. Kodachi gasped. He had made it, but he was heading right for the laser grid! Kodachi closed her eyes and heard a flesh-searing zap. ...And also, some sort of blasting sound. Kodachi opened her eyes and found Ranma standing there, protected by a shield of Chi energy. Ranma began running again, and soon he was past the laser grid, too. Kodachi clasped her hands together as she saw her hero evading the Kuno mansion defense systems. Ranma jumped as two robotic arms poped up on either side of him, and the arms ended up grabbing each other. A third mechanical arm actually caught Ranma, but he desrtoyed it with a mighty head-butt. Kodachi's breathing sped up as she realized he would be there soon. She had to prepare! Kodachi swept all the dishes off her bed, shattering them against the far wall. Kodachi ran around the room nervously, trying to make up her mind. Ranma easily lept a ten-foot wide pit of guard dogs and hopped over a barbed-wire fence. He was almost there! With a mighty jump, he cleared a two-story stone wall... ...And fell right into the pool of Kodachi's pet crocodile, Mr. Turtle. "AAAAH!" Kodachi heard Ranma's screams and the water splashing with the struggle. she thought, rapidly covered the bed with black rose petals, closed her eyes, and posed seductively before the open window. "Ranma!" She caught him and leaned him over, kissing him right on the lips. She opened her eyes. "AAH!" Kodachi dropped Ranma-chan uncerimoniously to the floor. "Heh heh." Ranma giggled. "Sorry about that, Ko-chan. Could you get me some hot water?" "I'll grant you no favors, pig-tailed demoness!" Kodachi drew her gymnastic ribbon. "What have you done with my Ranma-kun?" Ranma-chan gasped. "You mean you don't know by now? Ranma... well, Ranma and I are one!" Kodachi's face went pale. "You mean... you... MARRIED HIM!?" =KABOOM!= Ranma-chan crashed through the ceiling and flew high into the sky. When she began to fall back down, she saw that she was heading right for Tatewai's room. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" =CRASH!= "Oww!" Ranma screamed with fresh pain as he was splashed with Kuno's hot green tea. "Saotome!" Kuno yelled, "What is this that Kodachi tells me!? You have enslaved the Pig-tailed-girl in marriage!?" "That's not what I said... I only..." "STRIKE-STRIKE-STRIKE-STRIKE-STRIKE!" =CRASH!= ....................... Happosai looked nervously at the amulet. "Are you sure this will work?" he asked. "No," Cologne said. "I'm not even sure I picked up the right amulet." Happosai groaned for the @th time today. "Well, at least it's a plan..." Cologne pogoed on her cane and somehow disappeared into the backround of Furinkan High's soccer field without Happosai quite catching where she had hidden. "...aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" =CRASH!= Happosai quickly found the two headbands on Ranma's unconsious body, and applied them to both of their foreheads. But he still didn't know how to activate them. Happosai held Ranma's nose until he sputtered awake, gasping for air. "It's YOU!" Ranma wailed, "Get away from me, you PERVERT!" Then he realized there was nobody else around but himself and Happosai. "Heh heh," Ranma sneered. "You don't really think I'm going to activate them for you, do you?" Happosai grinned. "I don't need you to. I just need the headbands to provide a link between us." Ranma looked intrested. "A link? I suppose you have some other kind of mind- switching artifact?" For the first time in days, Happosai grinned evilly. "Not exactly. Something much worse, in fact." Happosai brandished the amulet. "Oh, sure." Ranma still appeared unimpressed. The two glared at each other for a long time. Finally, Happosai broke the silence. "Why'd you do it, Happosai?" Ranma shrugged. "Didn't think I had the nerve? Well, I didn't either. But when the plan occured to me... Well, guess I kind of went temporarily insane..." Happosai grinned. "You don't know how good you've got it, Ranma. FOUR beautiful girls, and you just spend all your time avoiding them..." Happosai grinned. "Uh-huh. So how'd you fare with them, Happosai? Hmm? Did you have sex with them? Did you even get close to them? Any of them?" Happosai leaned forward. "Did you even ONCE manage not to completely ruin things!? Did ANY part of your plan not completely backfire on you!?"" Ranma was silent. "I thought not. Now, I'm going to ask nicely one more time... GIVE ME BACK MY LIFE!" Ranma crossed his arms and stubbornly turned his head. "Okay," Happosai said, "You asked for it." Happosai raised the amulet. "VAMPIRE AMULET: YOUTH DRAIN!" A bolt of energy flowed from the amulet and encompassed them both. When the spell subsided, Ranma found himself staring at a much, much, much younger Happosai. "No..." Ranma looked down at his withered hands. "NOOOOOO!" Happosai took a deep breath and pulled out a pocket mirror. "Not bad, Happosai." he said. "I'm free of the Jensyuko curse, I have a new identity to make a fresh start with..." Happosai grinned even deeper. "And I'm NOT ENGAGED TO ANYONE!" "No..." Ranma rasped, "This can't be happening..." "Whereas YOU," Happosai continued, "You have to try to explain this to all the wierdos in MY life, and even if they believe you, they'll never really WANT you because of you age!" Happosai cackled diabolically. "In fact you're worse off than before, because you have to keep the engagements!" "No! Please! I'll let you have the body back..." "I don't want it!" Ranma roared with laughter. "If you're lucky, maybe the female body is still young! At least then KUNO will still love you! BWA HA HA HA HA HA!!!" Ranma growled. "Oh yeah!? We'll see about that! ANYTHING-GOES MARTIAL ARTS MAGIC WO..." Ranma stopped as he saw the expression on young Happosai's face. He knew that look from Nabiki. "It's a con job...!" Ranma switched to a diffrent spell. "PHANTASMIC FORCE RESISTANCE: DOUBT ATTACK!" The moment Ranma stopped believing the illusion, it dissapeared. Happosai's face fell. "Well, that's it. It didn't work, Cologne." He eyed Ranma bitterly. "It looks like you won." "Yes..." Cologne hissed. "Come give me a kiss, Happosai!" She grabbed Ranma and forcibly kissed him. Ranma and Happosai were both shocked, but Ranma definitely was worse off. "Finally, you can't escape," Cologne hissed, "You're too young to beat me! And your new body is just SO cute!" All that escaped Ranma's mouth was unintelligible screams of pure terror. "Now nothing will come between us, my Happy..." "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Ranma launched into the Magic-Word Special without even calling it out. The headbands flashed and began to change colors. Just before he passed out, Happosai reached into his coat. There was one more thing he wanted to do... Ranma and Happosai both collapsed gratefully on the ground. "Whuzuh...?" Ranma suddenly snapped upright. "It worked! Thank GOD!" Ranma pulled the bra out of his shirt and threw it away. "I'm me again!" "I was just kidding," Cologne told a frightened Happosai. "I love YOU, not Ranma! Besides, he is Shampoo's." "No!" Happosai shouted, pulling out a Happoudaikarin Bomb. "Stay back!" Then Happosai realized something... "Aaagh!" Happosai pulled open his coat and stared. Every last Happoudaikarin had already been lit. Ranma grinned. =BRA-BA-BA-BA-BOOM!= =BOOM BOOM! KABOOM!= Happosai colapsed on the ground, covered in soot. "RANMA!!!" Akane, Shampoo, Ukyou, and Kodachi landed together with a combined battle-cry. Ranma groaned. "We've been talking!" "What's the big idea!?" "How dare you!?" "Did you really mean what you said?" "Who do you really love!?" Ranma groaned again. "It wasn't me! It was Happosai! Tell them, Cologne!" Cologne grinned evilly. "You must promise to date Shampoo!" Ranma looked almost defeated. "I will eat lunch with her," he said, "At the dojo, under Kasumi's supervision, eating food made by someone other than Shampoo, in female form." Cologne sighed. "Close enough. After all, I can't have them KILLING you before the wedding..." Cologne went on to explain the week's affairs and tossed them a pocket tape recorder conatining Ranma and Happosai's conversation. After much playing, rewinding, and re-playing, the girls converged on Happosai, who groaned as he came to. He looked up at the four angry girls. "Well, you can't blame a guy for TRYING, can you!?" Two days later, Happosai crawled into Dr. Tofu's office, covered in mallet wounds, spatula wounds, mace wounds, and rythmic-gymnastics-ribbon wounds. ....................... Ranma and Akane walked, side by side, through the backyard. "I should have known it wasn't you," Akane said. "Why," Ranma asked. "Because I was trying to be nice to you?" Akane grinned. "No. Because you were good at it." Ranma smiled. She could tell the diffrence between them! "Hey, wait a minute! What do you mean by that!?" THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Well, my second Ranma1/2 fanfic has come to a close, and I realize that this is about twice as long as my first one! I considered making it as a 2-part series, but then one part would be noticably better or worse than the other, so I decided against it. Some people think I portrayed Happosai as being too much of a villian in this story. I agree with them, but I couldn't see any way to get around it. So I decided to just write the parts I already had, (Mostly just different ways for Happosai to completely fail to get next to Ranma's fiancees,) and I trusted that the rest would write itself when I got there, and it did. So Happosai just pleads temporary insanity, grins sheepishly, gets beaten up, all's forgotten. To Ukyou fans: I'm sorry if her scene was a bit short. It certianly seemed a lot longer before I got it down on paper. Or rather, on screen. To Kuno fans: (All one of you.) I know I could have done more with Kuno tormenting Happosai in both forms, but the longer that happened, the more likely it was that Happosai would tell him about Ranma's curse. Say, does anybody notice that I'm calling the characters by mind here, and during the story I called them by body? What's up with that? I'm weird. Next up: Stay tuned, especially if you're a Nabiki fan. Next issue I give Nabiki a lead part the same way all Ranma 1/2 characters get lead parts! (If you don't know what that is, ask yourself: What do Akane, Ukyou, Shampoo, and Kodachi all have in common...) Closing thoughts: (Samuri Pizza Cats villians are rejects from MegaMan-X.) (Why, oh WHY isn't there a Kirby's Dream Land Anime!?) (Roujin-Z: The Ultimate Recycling Device; or T.U.R.D.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------