Road Trip (A Tale of Two Idiots)
by John Acierto and Jeff Cramer


	"I'll see you at nine."
	"Cool.  I'll be ready."
	"See ya tomorrow!"
	Andy Johnson hung up the phone.  He had just planned a day long road trip with is friend, Craig Jefferson.  They were planning on driving down to Indianapolis for a knife and sword show.  Since they lived in Fort Wayne, it'd take two hours to drive down, so their weekend was pretty much shot.  Oh well, it was worth it to look at and buy some good bladed weapons.

	The next day, at around 9:07 a.m., Andy pulled his four door, forest green, Ford Explorer up Craig's driveway.  Craig came out of his house carrying a bag and his big, 96 space CD wallet.  He opened the passenger side door, his bag back on the rear seat, and jumped in.  After closing the door, Andy put the Explorer in reverse and backed out of Craig's driveway.
	As Andy was driving out of the edition, he asked, "What'd you bring?"
	"Just some supplies.  Oh, and my CD's."
	"Cool.  What tunes should we put in?"
	"How 'bout some Nefilim?"
	"Naw, how 'bout some Miles Davis?"
	"I like Nefilim more!"
	"No way!  Miles Davis is way better!"
	After a couple minutes of quibbling, they finally settled on Eric Clapton and put it in.  Andy turned onto a street and proceeded to their first destination.
	Andy asked, "Southtown Mall first?"
	"Yeah."
	Andy turned onto another street and after twenty minutes, pulled into the parking lot of Southtown Mall.  Andy and Craig had decided to stop here before leaving town to see if the knife was any good.
	As the two walked into the mall, there was something strange going on, but the two couldn't put a finger on it.  They walked through the mall, stopped at a comic book shop, and finally came to the knife store.  It sucked.  Andy and Craig didn't stick around long, so they decided to leave without seeing anything else.
	The two decided to pass through the center of the mall when they saw it: a Martin Luther King Jr. Day rally.  There were black people everywhere.  In front was a stage where a choir was singing.  Several black people gave the two dirty looks.  Considering Craig was while, it was understandable.  Andy himself was Filipino, so he was okay with it.
	Craig said, "Holy shit."
	"What?"
	"I think we'd better go."
	Andy looked around, then agreed.  "Good idea."
	Craig and Andy turned around to go back the way they came.  As they walked, some black people started following them.  They quickened the pace.  So did the black people.  Suddenly, one yelled, "Get da fuckin' oppressas!"
	Another yelled, "Black rage!"
	Andy yelled, "Run, Jefferson!"
	Craig and Andy broke into a sprint.  As fast as they could run, they bolted to the Explorer.  They ran across the parking lot, Andy unlocked the Explorer, the two jumped in, Andy started the vehicle, and slammed the gas peddle down.  The Explorer sped out of the parking lot, and the black people poured out of the mall and cursed its passengers as the white trash of the world.

	"Shit!  That was close!" said Andy.
	"I thought they were gonna get us for sure!" Craig reciprocated.
	"Damn, should've known better than going to Southtown Mall on Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday."
	"Maybe we should check next time before going."
	"Right.  Hey, any idea how to get to the Coliseum in Indianapolis?"
	Craig shrugged his shoulders.  "Don't know.  I just know it's on the corner of West U.S. 6 and North U.S. 9."
	"Okay.  Maybe we should get a map.  I need gas anyway."
	Andy pulled into a Handy Dandy station.  As he did, a car cut him off.  Andy yelled, "Stupid American drivers!" at the car.  He pulled into a parking space and the two exited to go into the Handy Dandy.  Before they entered, they saw a sign on the door which read "Only 1 student per vehicle is allowed in store at a time."
	"What kinda stupid rule is that?" asked Andy.
	"Who knows?"
	"Ahhh, screw it."
	They both entered the store and split up to look for the maps.  Craig found them next to the cashier and called Andy over.  Andy came over and grabbed a map of Indiana.  He looked at the price.
	"Two ninety-five Jefferson.  Got two bucks on you?"
	"Half and half?"
	"Yup."
	Jefferson pulled out his wallet and pulled out two dollars from it.  H passed them to Andy and put his wallet back in his pocket.  Just as he did, a police officer tapped both guys on their shoulders.
	"'Scuse me, boys.  No more than one student per vehicle in the store, as it says on the sign."
	Craig looked up and said, "Uhhh, we're not students.  We're, uhhh . . ."
	"Tourist," finished Andy.  He held up the map, then said in a fake Oriental accent, "Excuse a me, but a do a you a know where a da a mall is?  Sayonara!"
	The police officer raised an eyebrow, then said, "south on Clinton street."
	Andy bowed and said, "Sank a you."  He then quickly paid for the map and the two walked out of the store.  They boarded the Explorer and left the station.
	As Andy turned onto a road, Craig opened up the map.  "Hey!  Indianapolis is only six inches away!"
	"Cool.  What's the scale on that?"
	"Thirty-three miles an inch."
	"We can get there in two hours if I speed."
	"Cool."
	"Where to?"
	"I-69 south."
	They both chuckled.
	"Shit!" Andy yelled.
	"What?"
	"I forgot to get gas!!"
	Craig stared at Andy for a second.  "We're retarded, aren't we?"
	"Not if anyone asks.  I'll get some here."
	The Explorer pulled into another gas station.  This one, however, had its windows boarded up and pumps covered with garbage bags.
	Andy slumped back into his seat.  "Great.  I guess we'll gave to go find another one..."
	Craig smiled.  "Nonsense!  Maybe we can turn the pumps on from the inside."
	"I'm not breading into a gas station, Jefferson.  Besides, there's no way that a 24-hour station's going to have an on switch."
	Craig though a second.  "Well, if there's no on switch, then there's no off switch, either.  I'll go out and check."
	Craig walked outside and grabbed the regular nozzle.  He turned it on and squeezed the trigger a little.  Gasoline came out.
	Craig knocked on the driver's side window.  "Full service, sir?"
	Andy rolled the window down.  "Are you sure this isn't illegal.?"
	"Why would it be?  The station's closed, so there's no one to steal from, right?"
	Craig proceeded to fill the gas tank.  As he did, he noticed a briefcase between two of the pumps.  Before he could take a closer look, he heard a gurgling from the pump.
	Andy turned back from changing the CD.  "That didn't sound good."
	"I guess the tanks below us are near empty."  Craig replaced the nozzle with the premium unleaded one and continued pumping.  He then picked up the briefcase.
	"Hey, Andy.  What do you make of this?"
	Andy stepped out of the Explorer as Craig positioned the briefcase on the hood.  Andy took a quick glance over it.
	"No monogram or anything?"
	"Nope."  Craig popped the locks open.  As he lifted the lid, a golden glow nearly blinded the two.  The four eyes quickly adjusted, and Craig tool a closer look.
	"Oh, man," Craig said in awe.  "It's beautiful."
	"Shut up, Jefferson.  It's just a halogen flashlight."  Andy picked it up and turned it off.
	"So?"  Craig took the flashlight back and put it in the briefcase.  "Wanna take it?"
	"What?"  Andy was changing the nozzle again.  "Shouldn't we be trying to find the owner?"
	"It's a damn flashlight, Andy.  If they left it here, they obviously don't want it."
	Andy looked inside the Explorer.  "Wow.  This turned out well.  The tank's almost full."
	"Great.  Let's get out of here."
	The two boarded the SUV and they drove away.  As they did, a limousine pulled into the abandoned station.
	Craig was playing with the flashlight.  "I guess we're no the only ones who make that mistake."
	A few men in Armani suits suddenly jumped out, took out handguns, and opened fire on the Explorer.
	"Shit!" Andy yelled as they sped away.

	A couple minutes later, and after some major speeding, Andy slowed the Explorer down as they made their way to the highway.  Andy entered and took the I-69 south, U.S. 9 junction.  They started cruising on the highway.
	"Damn!  What was that about?" asked Andy.
	"Don't look at me!"
	"You're the one who wanted to get gas at an abandoned gas station!"
	How was I supposed to know the Godfather would be there?"
	"I don't know!"
	They fell silent for a couple seconds.
	"Sorry, Jefferson.  I guess I'm a little up tight."
	"No prob.  Hey!  At least we've got a full tank now!"
	"Good point."
	After a couple minutes of driving and listening to Nefilim, Craig's stomach growled.
	"I'm hungry," Jefferson said.
	"Okay.  We can stop by a store to get some snacks and stuff."
	"Sounds good to me.  Next exit?"
	"Yeah."
	The next exit, Andy took it and pulled into a Meijer.  The two got out and went in to get some stuff.  They quickly got some pop, chips, other snacks, and some Alka Seltzer in case they caught a cold.
	After shopping, the two got back in the Explorer with their stuff and got back on the highway.

	Ten minutes later, Andy looked around.
	"Where are we?"
	"I don't know.  Let's see."
	Craig pulled out the map and looked at it.  As he did, Andy turned his head to see a sign at the side of the road.  It read, "Welcome to Kendallville, Population: 500."
	Andy said, "I think we're in Kendallville."
	"Hey, you're right!  How did you know?"
	"I'm psychic?"
	The Explorer came to a stop light.  As Andy pushed the brake, he noticed a tour bus in the right lane next to the Explorer.    On it was the passengers inside looked over at the Explorer.  Andy and Craig waved at them.
	The light turned green.  As soon as it did, the bus pulled in front of the Explorer and cut it off.  Andy slammed on the brakes, stuck his head out the window, and yelled, "Stupid American driver!"
	The bus stopped and its door opened.  Men dressed in white robes and pointed hats, with their faces covered, came out of the bus.  They all lined up in front of the Explorer.  Andy and Craig looked at each other.
	On KKK member yelled, "My white brother!  You choose to associate yourself with that evil black man!?  You must be punished!"
	Another member said to the leader, "Umm, that man ain't black."
	"Well he ain't white neither!  Let's get 'em!!"
	All the KKK men ran at the Explorer.
	Andy yelled, "Holy shit!" and shifted the Explorer in reverse.  He gassed it and the Explorer accelerated backwards.  However, they didn't go far as another bus blocked their path.  Andy slammed on the brake and more KKK members came out of the rear bus.
	"Shit!  Jefferson, what should we do?"
	"Gee, let me think. . .run!!"
	Andy and Craig opened their doors and ran in opposite directions.  Most of the KKK members ran after Andy, but some still chased after Craig.
	Craig ran into some woods.  As he did, he got an idea.  Taking some Alka-Seltzer tabs out of his pocket, he ripped open the seals and popped some tablets into his mouth.  As the foam started coming out of his mouth, Craig turned around and growled at the KKK men.  He got down on his hands and knees and started crawling around like a dog.
	One of the KKK men said, "What's wrong with that guy?"
	Another said, "My god!  He's got rabies!"
	"Run!"
	The KKK men turned and high tailed it out of there before Craig could bite them.  After they were gone, Craig fell on his back and laughed hysterically.  What a couple of dopes!

	Meanwhile, in a wheat field was Andy being chased by the other KKK member.  Andy got tired of running and just stopped to face them.
	"I'm tired of this running bullshit.  Bring it on!" Andy yelled at the top of his voice.  H adopted a fighting stance.
	The KKK members just stopped and stared at him.  Then, four broke away from the group and attacked.  Andy ran at the four, which surprised the.  Before reaching them, Andy ducked down on his knees, tripping two with his body.  The other two turned around after passing and kept coming.  Andy stood up and ran at one of them, pivoting as the KKK man grabbed him, and used his inertia to throw him to the ground.  For the last guy, Andy merely sidestepped his charge and punched him in the face, knocking him down.
	The rest of the KKK members watched this happen in awe.  The leader said, "For a black man, this guy sure can kick some ass."
	A KKK member next to him said, "He ain't black."
	The leader turned to him and said, "Shut up!"  He turned back to Andy, pointed at him, and shouted, "Get 'im!"
	The whole KKK group charged, but before they could get Andy, a man shouted, Stop!!"
	Everyone turned to look at the man who shouted.  He was at the side, watching the whole occurrence.  Dressed in a business suit, the white man looked a little out of place compared to the scene before him.
	The businessman walked over to stand in between Andy and the KKK.  He turned to the KKK and said, "Don't hurt this man."
	"Get out of the way, brother!!" said the KKK leader.
	The businessman said, "I've got a group of martial artists going to a tournament.  I want this man, " he pointed at Andy, "to join my team."
	"You're crazy!  We saw him first!  You can't have him!"
	"Oh, really?"
	The businessman snapped a finger.  Suddenly, a dozen men in karate uniforms appeared and lined up behind the businessman, taking up fighting stances.  Andy raised his eyebrows, this was getting interesting.
	The businessman smiled.  "These are All-American karate champions.  They are undefeated in the country in the kumite brackets.  Care to try getting through them?"
	The KKK looked the line over, and their pride deflated.  The leader said, "Fine.  You can have that black demon!"
	"Sir, he ain't . . ."
	"Shut up!"
	All the KKK members turned and walked away.  The businessman turned around and said to the karate men, "Good job, guys.  Get back to the bus so we can leave."
	The line of karate men walked single file off the wheat field.  Andy walked up to the businessman.  "Um, thanks.  How can I repay you?"
	"If you join me and the karate team, we're off to a martial arts tournament and we could use someone like you on the team.  That was pretty good how you took out those four guys in rapid succession.  Where did you study?"
	"Actually, I studied Aikido at the Y."
	"Aikido?  Oh well, I'm sure they won't notice.  So, how 'bout it?  Is it a deal?"
	"I don't know. . ."
	Just then, Craig came running on the wheat field towards the two.  As he came closer, Andy saw the foam coming out of Craig's mouth and started laughing.  The businessman turned to see Craig coming and started backing away.
	Craig stopped a couple of feet from Andy and the businessman and growled.
	Andy said, "It's okay, Jefferson.  He ain't a KKK member."
	Craig stopped growling and said, "I know that!  Just having some fun!"
	Andy turned to the businessman.  "Okay, I'll join the team."
	"Terrific!  My name's Bryan Peterson, manager of the All-American karate team."
	"I'm Andy Janson, and this bundle of fun is Craig Jefferson.  Was that stuff out of your mouth!"
	Craig growled and walked back to the Explorer.  Andy and the businessman followed.  Next to the Explorer was another tour bus, but instead of the KKK banner on it, a banner reading "All-American Karate" hung on the side.
	Andy said, "We'll just follow you.  Where're we headed?"
	"South.  The tournaments in a city just north of Indy, but I can't remember what it's called."
	"Cool."  Andy got into the Explorer and saw Craig sitting in the back.  "Finished rinsing you mouth out?"
	"Yup."  Craig moved to the front passenger seat.  Andy started the Explorer and followed the bus.

	After about a half-hour's drive, the Explorer suddenly began decelerating.
	"Aw, man!" Andy slammed his hands on the wheel.  "What's going on?"
	"Are we out of gas?"
	"The gauge says it's full. . . unless the gas we got at the abandoned station messed the fuel gauge up!"
	The Explorer slid to a stop.  They watched the bus continue to speed away.
	"Great.  Not what, Craig?"
	"Well, we're right next to an off-ramp.  Let's coast down that and push this thing to the nearest station."
	They didn't push long before they found themselves at a motor speedway.  Andy spotted a fuel truck parked outside.
	"Let's get some gasoline here, Craig.  Craig?"
	Craig, by this time, had walked into a trailer and grabbed a racing suit.
	"If we want to get gas from these guys, they've gotta think we're one of them."
	Andy shook his head.  "If you say so."
	Craig put on the suit and the two walked toward the tanker.  As they did, some pit crew members ran up to them.
	"Speedy!  You're racing in five minutes!  Where the hell have you been?"
	Before he could respond, two of them ushered him into the pit.  One of the other mechanics looked at Andy.
	Andy quickly developed an aire of importance.  "Okay, boys.  Speedy's car need some gas and the fuel gauge fixed."
	The man mechanically responded, "Yes, sir," and ran towards the Explorer.
	Craig, meanwhile, sat in the dragster the mechanics led him to.  It was lined up at the gate and ready to go.  The mechanics walked away and left him alone.
	He looked at the controls: gas, brake, wheel, and a few buttons he had no clue as to what they did.  He then looked at the light column, which was now on orange.
	Craig panicked and hit the gas just as the light turned green.  He felt himself being pushed back into his seat as the road before him became a blur.  He then noticed a white line pass underneath the dragster.  Apparently, the race was over.
	Craig then hit the brakes.  The rear tires blew and the dragster began to spin wildly out of control.  Craig frantically hit the buttons on the dashboard, eventually deploying the parachute.  The dragster spun to a complete stop.
	Craig stepped out of the vehicle.  As he did, Andy pulled up next to him in the Explorer.
	"Craig, get in!  Now!"
	"What?  I just won!"
	"Turn around."
	Craig turned to see an angry mob of mechanics coming at him, led by a man (about Craig's size) in his underwear.
	"Oh shit!  The real Speedy!"
	He jumped into the Explorer and Andy sent it flying out of the speedway.
	"Damn, damn, damn!  What was that about?" Asked Andy.
	"Dont's ask me!  All I did was win the race and bang their car up a little."
	"Oh well.  Let's get back on the highway.  What should we take?"
	Craig opened up the map.  "I think the bus was on route six, so we just have to take that exit."
	Andy nodded and took that exit.  After about ten minutes, Andy asked, "What time is it?"
	"About half past noon.  Why?"
	"Hungry?  I could go for some lunch."
	"Cool.  Next exit?"
	"Sure."
	Andy took the next exit and pulled into a Handy Dandy station.  A car pulled in front of Andy before he parked and Andy yelled, "Stupid American drivers!"  Andy parked it and the two got out of the Explorer.
	The two walked up to the store and saw a sign reading, "Only 1 student per vehicle is allowed in store at a time."
	Andy said, "What kinda stupid rule is that?"
	Craig was about to respond when he a puzzled look crossed his face.  Then he said, "Deja vu?"
	"Aw, screw it."
	The two entered the store and went straight to the food section.  As the two got some food, a couple of men in black suits, wearing sunglasses, walked into the place.  They looked around, saw Craig and Andy, pulled out machine guns, and started shooting.
	"Holy shit!" exclaimed Andy as he and Craig ducked under an aisle.  Various other customers did the same thing, and so did the cashier.
	After a while, the machine guns stopped, out of ammo.  The men in black took this opportunity to reload.  One of them shouted, "Our boss wants his merchandise back!  Give it up and we'll leave you alone!"
	"What's he talking about?" asked Andy.
	Craig shrugged his shoulders.  "Hell if I know."
	"Let's get out of here."
	"Good idea."
	Andy and Craig grabbed their food and started crawling towards a side door.  The gangsters finished reloading and opened fire again, not noticing the two slip though the door, run to the Explorer, and take off with the food.
	"Man, that was close!" Andy said.
	"Uh huh, not any closer than everything else that's happened today," Craig said sarcastically."
	"Wait a minute, weren't we in there earlier today?"
	"Yeah.  So that means. . ."
	"We're back in Fort Wayne."
	There was a short pause.
	"Let's go the right way this time," said Andy
	"Okee-dokee."  Craig pulled the map back out.  "Exit here!"
	Andy did.  They used the next twenty minutes to eat their free food and argue over music.

	Andy looked at Craig and asked, "Where are we now?"
	Craig looked at the map again.  "Well, according to this, we're moving north on route 9."
	"North?  That's impossible!  We turned around in Fort Wayne.  Are you sure?"
	Craig looked closely at the map, smacked his forehead, and turned the map right-side up again.  "Sorry.  We're moving south on route 6."
	Andy shook his head.  As he did,  bus cut them off.
	"Stupid American drivers!"  He then hit the gas.  "I'm gonna show this moron who's boss!"
	The Explorer quickly pulled up to the right side of the bus.  Andy rolled down his window.
	"Hey!  Open your door!"
	Craig cocked an eyebrow.  "Uh, Andy?  A bus isn't going to open its door on the interstate."
	The bus, though, did open the door.  As it opened, a man looked at the two from the window.  The same man came to the open door.
	"Hey!  You, in the passenger side!"
	Craig smiled, "Yes, sir?"
	"Get in here!  I need your help!"
	Craig looked at Andy.  "Hold the Explorer steady.  I'll climb on the roof."
	"What?  Are you crazy?"
	"Have we just met?"
	Andy shrugged and Craig climbed onto the top of the Explorer through the window.  He then crawled across the top and jumped into the bus' open door.  The man quickly pulled him further into the bus.
	"Thank God you're small!"
	"I'm insulted."
	"No, no.  I mean your body size.  Here's the situation.  Some psychopath saw the movie 'Speed' and rigged this bus with a speed-triggered bomb.  If we go under 69 M.P.H., the bus'll explode!"
	"69?  Wasn't it 55 in the movie?"