Little Johnny Stories

(Reader's discretion is adviced) 

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water.

Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your

back?"

Daddy relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not

to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked

off!"

rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.

When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off

his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Oh, I need a bike! I need a

bike!"

morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on

them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought

said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and

crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No

butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started

scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches

were dead.

Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny

said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

realises Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the

entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from

the class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."

"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.

"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.

"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. Hundreds and hundreds of Indians surrounded

him. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to 'fuck' with the Lone Ranger."

Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room.

On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license

falls out.

The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years

old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"

everything but the toilet.

So mom had to go in and clean up after him.

After two weeks, she has had enough, and took Lil' Johnny to the doctor.

After the examination, the Dr.. said, "Well, his unit is too small.

An old wives tale was to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold

it and aim straight."

Next morning Johnny jumped out of bed and ran down to the kitchen. On the table are 12 slices of toast.

"MOM," Johnny yelled, "the Doc said I only had to eat 2 slices!"

"I know," smiled his mom, "The other 10 are for your father."

would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the

day off.

She started with "This was England's finest hour."

Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations said the teacher you may go home."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you."

Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy".

"Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those little twits would

just shut the hell up."

Upon overhearing this rude comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it.

Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton."

"I'll see you Monday..."

Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win

lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The teacher did not seem disturbed,

assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little

Johnny's urge to gamble.

Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. "Oh, everything is

going very well," she said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."

The father asked her what had happened.

"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear," she said. "I

finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole, and took

his ten dollars."

"Damn!" the father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's ass before

the day was over."

question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many

would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "'cause the rest would fly away".

"Well the answer is four" said the teacher, "but it's good that you're thinking!"

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a

shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which

one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but it's good that you're thinking!"

Little Mary got up and said "my Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect. Great said the teacher

Michael got up and said " my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife. Good said the teacher.

Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said: My Mommy, she is a substitute. Knowing

better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, you mean she is a

Prostitute.

No". Said Johnny, my Sister, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy

substitutes.

the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and

she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My

mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that

she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fuckin' beautiful!'"

they do bad things?" "Sure," little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church yard."

describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."

"Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely,

ignored him and picked Jenny, who promptly answered "An apple."

"No Jenny, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now, for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and

brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But

she skips him again and calls on Billy.

"Is it a peach?" "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like you're thinking. Here's another: it's long,

yellow, and fairly hard."

By now, Johnny is about to expolde as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and

calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Jonny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my

hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it."

"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your

thinking!"

having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit

down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. "First,

Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

"Ok, now take off my skirt..." and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra..." which he does. "And

now, Johnny, please take off my panties." And when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,

"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

about COURTING from older boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took

his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered and instead of explaining things to Johnny, she

told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend, and this he

did. The following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.......

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started

kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must

have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor

would. Except, he is not as good as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of

breathe. His other hand must have been cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got

worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide towards the end of the couch. This was

when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick, a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just

jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long. HONEST!!! anyway, he grabbed it in one

hand to keep it from getting away.

Then sis saw it, she got really scared, her eyes got big, her mouth was open and she screamed out to God

and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should tell her about the ones

down at the lake.

Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting the head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise

and let the eel go, I guess it bit her back.

Then, she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and

slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting her again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the

eel.

The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the

couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up from the couch, they

had killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because it just hung there, and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started

hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It started to straighten up and started to fight

again. I guess eels are like cats, they must have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After 35 minutes, they finally killed the

eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw sis's boyfriend peel the skin off and flush it down the toilet.

sentence out of it. She had to be careful because she knew that Little Johnny would try and turn this into

something dirty, as he had done so many times before. She chose the word "fascinate". Knowing that

Johnny could not possible mess this one up, she called on him first.

Johnny said, "My sister went to the mall and bought a blouse. It had 10 buttons up the front, but her

boobs were so big she could only fasten eight."

After all the kids had answered one, it was Johnny's turn again. This time the word was "urinate".

The teacher was sure this one would stump Johnny.

Johnny said, " You're-an-eight, but if you had bigger boobs you'd be a ten."

He replies " I've been down by the creek sticking cherry bombs up frogs asses."

"You mean rectum" corrected the teacher.

"Yeah" says Little Johnny, "Wrecked 'em all right, it blew 'em into little pieces!!"

"OK, the first letter is 'A'," the teacher says.

Little Johnny is raising his hand. Knowing that he is rude and foul mouthed, the teacher decides not to

call on him for fear of some bad words. So she calls on someone else. They go through the wohle

alphabet until the letter "R."

At this point Little Johnny had been raising his hand for every letter.

The teacher think "Well, I can't think of any bad words that begins with 'R'." "Johnny, want to try this

one?" "I have a word- 'rat'."

Now the teacher is so glad he didn't say anything disgusting when all of a sudden

Little Johnny adds "A Big Fucking Rat."

On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a

mind in order to believe in God.

The teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand.

The little boy says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good," said the teacher.

The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up.

"Oh no", she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes

to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet."

The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the

air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"

than dad, other kids, etc). After a few days of recovery, the boy went back to school. After about an

hour, the pain was really starting to bother him so he asked if he could see the school nurse. He went to

see her, but was too embarrassed to tell her what the problem was.

She suggested that he call his mother and see if she could come and get him. The nurse waited in the other

room while the call was made. After a few minutes the little boy came out and started walking back to

class, but the nurse noticed that his penis was hanging out of his pants.

She said, "Johnny, what are you doing? You can't walk around like that."

He replied, "Well I told my mother how much I hurt and she said that if I could just stick it out till

lunchtime she would come pick me up then."

about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure

they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked

his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was

completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny

how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells

'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a

piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."

"Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher,

wisely, ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."

"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now, for the

second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the

teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.

"Is it a peach?"

"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like you're thinking.

Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now, Johnny

is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips

him again and calls on Sally.

"A banana," she says.

"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.

"Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket.

Okay, I've got it: it's about an inch and a half long, hard, and it's

got a little red head on it."

"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a match stick, but I like your thinking!"

hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador

Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles,

which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.

Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son. But I'll bet the

dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."

"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

"Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

"Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad," said Johnny, "It wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up

and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out.

That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny", the father said, "You don't do those kind of things to women! Just leave it alone!"

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father

said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk about this!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood

up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next

to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. But now I know she doesn't like that, so I pushed it

back in!"

pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."

So Little Johnny asked, "Why the fuck didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Cindie put her hand up and said "Moooo!"

"Very good" replied the teacher,"what sound do sheep make?"

"Baaaa" answered Jimmy.

She continued this for a while.

Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the

back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed,

"Up against the wall mutha-fucka!!"

one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you," he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is?

It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."

vanilla ice cream...when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have

ice cream now.

It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll

play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease

him, she says, "Fine, I'll play.

What do I do?"

Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation...Mom goes upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old

fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks

it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth.

At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises up and says, "What do I

do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two

worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom,

dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and

you won't get worms!!!"

he had discovered, then driving them like nails into a board.

Grampa, seeing this, offered him a new bicycle if he could borrow some of the mix overnight.

The next morning, grampa staggered bowlegged out of his bedroom with a big grin on his face.

"All right, Johnny, let's go buy you a new bike!"

"Never mind Grampa," he replied, "Gramma was up early this morning and bought me a motorcycle!"

As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road, going at it like rabbits.

"What are they doing, Johnny?" Suzie asked.

Well, Lil' Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they were doing, but was

embarrassed to say, so he said,

"Well, he's scaring her." Lil' Suzie replied, "Oh."

They walked a little further and Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me, Lil' Johnny." Well, Lil' Johnny thought,

"What the hell," so he took her into the bushes and "scared" her.

After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion

mounting a mare in the field. "What are they doing, Lil' Johnny?" she asked.

"Well, he's scaring her." So Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny." So, Lil' Johnny took her into

the bushes and "scared" her again.

After they were finished, they continued walking home. Soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a

heifer in the field, going at it.

"What are they doing, Lil' Johnny?" she asked again. "Uh, he's scaring her," Lil' Johnny replied.

After a few more minutes of walking, Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny." Lil' Johnny, not

being as much of a man as he had thought, blurted out, "Boo, damn it, Boo!"

poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy

himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and

forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this

point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon

returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.

For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued

without any further interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny?

I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."

Little Johnny was a smarty, so he answered with, " De feet of de dog went over de fence before de tail."

another in front of them. The one lady looked at the other and slapped her across the face.

"You bitch," yelled the one lady. Stunned, the lady that was slapped yelled out, "You bag."

Little Johnny, never heard those words before, turns to his dad. "Dad, what are bags and bitches?"

"Oh, that's just another name for women," replied his dad.

"Oh, okay," said Johnny.

The two make it home and Little Johnny follows his dad up to the washroom to watch his daddy shave.

While shaving, Little Johnny's dad cuts himself. "Oh shit," he said.

"Daddy, what's shit?" asked Little Johnny.

"Oh, that's just another name for shaving your self," replied his father.

Bored, Little Johnny wanders downstairs to find his mother cooking a

turkey. As his mother reached into the oven, she burnt her hand.

"Fuck!" she yells.

"Mom, what's fuck?" questionned Johnny.

"That's just another word for cooking the turkey."

"Oh, I get it," said Johnny.

All of a sudden, the doorbell rings. "I'll get it!" yells Johnny as he runs to the door. He then opened the

door to find a group of old ladies standing outside.

"Hello young man. Are you parents home?" asked the front lady.

"Hello bags and bitches. My dad's upstairs shitting himself and my mom's downstairs fucking the

turkey."

"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.

"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to

buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas." Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father

said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time." Well,

about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The

father asked him why he was leaving. The boy said,"Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I

heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming

too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

Mary said, "My family went to the New Your City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My famiy went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was

Fascinated." The teacher said, "good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She

finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only "fasten 8."

First little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown..."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks.. "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK... then I have DEFINITELY shit in my pants..."

no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy "My name is

Johnny Fuckhauer".

 So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!".

The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade

and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"

Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the

fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for

a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?"

"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"

cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of

the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude.

As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running

for home.

The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to

watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Johnney started screaming and ran off quickly.

On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny

turned around and started to run again. But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to

know what was wrong.

Johnny replied, "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone....

And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard........

So Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage. "Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad,

thinking this is cute.

"Well," said Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room.

It's plenty big for both of us."

"And how will you live?" "I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That's should

be enough."

Getting exasperated since Johnny seems to know all the answers,

Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"

"Well," said Johnny, "we've been lucky so far."

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?"

"That's exactly what I said!

develop a speech, which was to be relayed by using motion only. When Little Johnny's turn came, he

stood up in front of the class:

"Ladies (grabbing chest) and gentlemen (grabbing crotch)..."

Little Johnny's teacher wasn't amused, so she sent him to the Principal's office. Johnny explained what

happened, so the sympathetic Principal told him to revise his speech as follows:

"Ladies (motioning woman's curves) and gentlemen (making a muscle with his arm)..."

Little Johnny went back to class and proceeded to give his speech again:

"Ladies (motioning woman's curves) and gentlemen (making a muscle with his arm), it gives me great

pleasure (whacking-off motion)..."

the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling

on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, however, knowing that he could be a

bit crude at times, but eventually his turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and

with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher

couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just

what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnny.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a

heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over

and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby

so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said "Now, son... that

poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word

about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all" said Little Johnny.

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at

it's mother and said "Oh What a Beautiful little baby". The mother said "Thank you very much, Little

Johnny."

He then said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet.

Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?"

The Mother said "why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision.

Little Johnny said "well, its a darn good thing cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!!

She suspiciously looked at her students but didn't say anything. Instead, she rubbed it off.

The next day, she came in and saw another drawing of an even bigger penis on the board.

She frowns and rubs it off. The third day, she came in and saw another penis drawn on the

board. This time, it's huge, covering up almost half of the space.

She couldn't take it anymore so she screams out to the room full of noisy

children, "Why do you kids like drawing this penis on the board? And why is

it getting bigger each day?"

Little Johnny then screams out back to her, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

and rings the bell. Out comes the madame. She looks down at Johnny and says to him, "Well, well, what

can we do for you little boy?"

"Yeah, I wanna fuck a bitch with aids."

The madame is a little shocked. "Excuse me?"

"Open yer fuckin' ears, bitch! I wanna girl with aids!"

She laughs at Johnny mockingly and says to him, "You do realize that this kind of thing costs money,

you know."

She stops laughing when Johnny slams down three hundred dollars on the counter. "Money's not a

problem, lady."

"What do you want a girl with aids for?" the madame asks.

"That ain't none of yer business. You gonna give me the bitch with aids or what?"

"Okay, little boy, you do seem quite serious. I'll go and get her. By the way, what's in the shoebox?"

Johnny snaps back "That ain't none of yer business either."

The madame stares Johnny down and says, "Yes it is my business,

because I have to look out for my girls. What's in that box?"

Johnny opens it and there's a dead frog inside. The madame looks puzzled. Johnny explains it to her.

"Okay, I fuck the bitch with aids, then I get aids. I fuck my babysitter and she gets aids.

She fucks my dad and he gets aids. My dad fucks my mom and she gets aids. My mom fucks the

mailman and he gets aids and that's the motherfucker who stepped on my pet frog!"

this, so she is going to be extra careful not to let Johnny cuss today.

"Okay, class. We're going to play a game today. I'm going to name a letter of the alphabet and

I want you to come up with a word that starts with that letter and put it in a sentence."

The kids are excited, especially Johnny, who's thinking of every cuss word he can think of.

"Okay, class, let's start with the letter A."

Johnny raises his hand.

"Susie," the teacher calls.

"A is for apple. Apples grow on trees," she replies.

"Very good," the teacher says. "Okay, class, let's do the letter B."

Johnny raises his hand excitedly.

"Mikey," the teacher calls.

"B is for baseball. Baseball is my favorite sport."

"Very good," the teacher says. "Okay, class, let's do the letter C."

Johnny raises both hands! He's going nuts! He's got the perfect word for C!!

"Bobby," the teacher calls.

"C is for cat. A cat lives in my backyard."

"Very good," The teacher says. This goes on and on, and the teacher is not going to call on Johnny

if there's a cuss word that starts with the letter she calls out. Finally, she gets to the letter R. The

teacher can't think of a single cuss word that starts with R, and even Johnny looks a little puzzled.

So she calls out R and asks Johnny to respond.

Johnny nervously stands up. He looks around the room. Then he says "R is for a Rat..."

he suddenly gets excited and stretches both arms wide, "...a rat with a dick this big!"

His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen.

"You naughty boy!" she screamed, "How can you say to your aunt that she's ugly!

You go right in and apologize to her! Tell her you're sorry!"

Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said,

"Aunt Tess, I am sorry you're so ugly."

Little Johnny thought for a moment and replies, "Our dog chased our cat and he bitter end."

she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school

the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?"

Needless to say, no one could answer.

in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny

decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and

get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black.

The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day,

just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag

to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room.

Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of

the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the

bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom.

"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.

His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son.

I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his father.

Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well, what are you doing?

Fucking them?"

Tonight, girls, your first assignment will be to find out from your parents how to avoid getting pregnant.

For you boys, your assignment will be to go home and find out what a penis is."

So little Johnny goes home and asks his father, "Daddy, what is a penis?"

The father pulls down his pants and points proudly saying, "Son, that is a perfect penis."

The next day, when Johnny gets to school, his best friend runs up to him on the playground and says to

Johnny, "I forgot to find out what a penis is! What's a penis!" Johnny tells him, "Come on." 

So they both go into the boys room and Johnny pulls down his pants. He points down and says,

"There, if that was a little smaller, it would be a perfect penis!"

Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his at dad breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter

would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always

quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny,those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow

them up and she'll float to heaven."

Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house

crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!"

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"

"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!

talk with him and tells him that good little boys save it until they are married.

A few weeks later, the mom is having another talk with little Johnny.

"How are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear?" she asks.

Little Johnny cheerfully replies, "Great! So far, I've saved nearly a quart!"

don't you go across the street and watch them build the house. Maybe you can learn some neat things."

Johnny disappears for about four hours and returns later in the afternoon.

"Did you learn anything interesting today?", his mother asks.

"I learned how to hang a door", Johnny replies. Mom says, "That's great!

How do you do that?". "Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then, you slap the piece of shit up there but

it's too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn

thing up."

Johnny's mom is floored by his language. "You go to your room and wait until your father gets home!!".

Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand you got in a little trouble today." "All I

did was tell Mom how to hang a door."

"Why don't you tell me", Dad asks?

"Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too fucking small.

So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."

Dad screams, "That's it young man. You go get a switch from the back yard."

Johnny looks at his dad and says, "Fuck you, that's the electricians job!"

know what went on inside, but saw several men walk up, knock on the front door, and hand over $50 to

the madam who greeted them, and then let them inside. Each man later came out with pleasant smiles on

their faces.

The little boys' curiosity was aroused, so they managed to come with $1 between them two. They went

over and knocked on the door. The madam answered, asked them what they wanted, and, not knowing

what to say, the boys merely handed over the $1. The madam took them inside, grabbed them by their

necks, banged their heads together, and tossed them back out the door.

Little Johnny sat up, rubbed his head and said to his schoolmate, "I sure am glad we didn't have $50!

$1 worth of that is about all I could stand!"

The waitress eyed him for a moment and said, "Look, sonny, do you want to get me in trouble?"

The boy glanced back at her and said, "Maybe later. Right now, I want a beer."

'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands.

"Carl," she says.

Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher.

Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent,

Suzie!"

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" she says.

Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting

her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down

the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence."

Tell, Johnny brings the dog in to school and says to the class, "This is my dog. I got him for Christmas

but he got hit in the ass by a car."

His teacher says, "Johnny, ass is a bad word you should say rectum."

Johnny says, "Rectum, it fuckin killed him!"

anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand.

The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.

"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students

holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.

"Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up his/her hand. "See the big antlers

on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's

something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

So little dirty Johnny asked his father "What are they doing Dad?"

And his Dad replies, "They are making a puppy, son."

A few weeks later little dirty Johnny wakes up, goes into his parents bedroom and catches his parents

doing it. He asks, "What are you doing?"

And his Dad replies,"We are making you a baby brother, son."

Little dirty Johnny says, "Turn her over Dad, I'd rather have a puppy"

run to their grandmother.

"Grandma, grandma, can you have children?"

"Oh my dear, of cause not, certainly not."

Johnny turns to his little sis ans says triumphantly "I told you she is a male!!!"

As at 15/06/1998