I called AOL for you but had "an experience" talking to the minimum-wage employee who attempted to take your address.

I pronounced your name for her and then spelled it (SLOWLY). I gave her the street address and spelled it. Faithfully following her script, she then asked for the State (as in which US state).

I replied, "actually it is in Berlin, Germany" and gave her the postal code. I didn't think it necessary to spell Berlin, Germany. My mistake. After a silence she said, "That's G-R?" I then spelled Germany for her. She said, "No, I mean the abbreviation." I said, "Are you trying to abbreviate Germany in the 'State field' on your computer screen?" "Yes," she replied. I told her again that it was not at United States address, that GR sounded like a good abbreviation but it was not a US state and that she might have to spell out Germany on another line. She replied, "I know it's not in the US, it's in Canada."

If there were any doubt I was in trouble, it was now certain.

I clarified that Berlin was a city in the country of Germany and that neither were anywhere near Canada. Silence ... Me: "You know, the country in Europe ... Hitler and all that Nazi stuff from the 1940's ..."

Silence ...

Her: "So the city is B-U-N-L-E-R?"
Me: "No, it's Berlin ... Berlin, Germany ... B-E-R-L-I-N"
Her: "OK, but what's the state?"

AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh! Lucy just pulled the football out from under me again.

Again I told her that there wasn't a US state involved. I know there is a German equivalent of a state that Berlin is in but I couldn't remember the name, nor its abbreviation, nor did I think giving it to her if I had it would do any good.

I'm not done yet ...

Then she asks me for a phone number. Not having yours readily available to her, I replied, "I'm calling you locally from the States and I don't have a phone number in Berlin to give you."

A brief pause. . .

Her: "So, what was your phone number again?"

AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh! I gave her my phone number because I knew, like a computer program with no escapes from an endless loop, if she didn't fill in the phone number line, I'd never get off the phone and you'd never get AOL. Imagine if I had given her your phone number with all those numbers and no familiar (xxx) xxx-xxxx format. My god, what would she have done then???

She ended the call by reading the "namestring" script, "Thank you ... Mr. 'tan-GAY' ... for ordering America On-Line. Your order will arrive within 2 weeks. Have a nice day."

Mad Bomber
- "Well, I hit ALT-f6, shift-f8, CNTRL-f10, f4, and f9, and now it looks all weird."
Advantages: Will try to find own solution to problems.
Disadvantages: User might have translated document to Navajo without meaning to.
Symptoms: More than six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 code-to-letter ratio in WordPerfect
Real Case: One user came in complaining that his WordPerfect document was underlined. When I used reveal codes on it, I found that he'd set and unset underline more than fifty times in his document.

Frying Pan/Fire Tactician
- "It didn't work with the data set we had, so I fed in my aunt's recipe for key lime pie."
Advantages: Will usually fix error.
Disadvantages: 'Fix' is defined VERY loosely here.
Symptoms: A tendancy to delete lines that get errors instead of fixing them.
Real Case: One user complained that their program executed, but didn't do anything. The scon looked at it for twenty minutes before realizing that they'd commented out EVERY LINE. The user said, "Well, that was the only way I could get it to compile."

Shaman
- "Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick, and formahaut was above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo, it did compile."
Advantages: Gives insight into primative mythology.
Disadvantages: Few scons are anthropology majors.
Symptoms: Frequent questions about irrelavent objects.
Real Case: One user complained that all information on one of their disks got erased (as Norton Utilities showed nothing but empty sectors, I suspect nothing had ever been on it). Reasoning that the deleted information went *somewhere*, they wouldn't shut up until the scon checked four different disks for the missing information.

X-user
- "Will you look at those. . .um, that resolution, quite impressive, really."
Advantages: Using the cutting-edge in graphics technology.
Disadvantages: Has little or no idea how to use the cutting-edge in graphics technology.
Symptoms: Fuzzy hands, blindness
Real Case: When I was off duty, two users sat down in front of me at DEC station 5000/200s that systems was reconfiguring. I suppressed my laughter while, for twenty minutes, they sat down and did their best to act like they were doing exectly what they wanted to do, even though they couldn't log in.

Miracle Worker
- "But it read a file from it yesterday!" 'Sir, at a guess, this disk has been swollowed and regurgitated.' "But I did that a month ago, and it read a file from it yesterday!"
Advantages: Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren't around.
Disadvantages: People complain when scons actually use the word 'horse-puckey'.
Symptoms: Loses all ability to do impossible when you're around. Must be the kryptonite in your pocket.
Real Case: At least three users have claimed that they've loaded IBM WordPerfect from Macintosh disks.

Taskmaster
- "Well, this is a file in MacWrite. Do you know how I can upload it to MUSIC, transfer it over to UNIX from there, download it onto an IBM, convert it to WordPerfect, and put it in three-column format?"
Advantages: Bold new challanges.
Disadvantages: Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.
Symptoms: An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendancies to make machines do things they don't want to do.
Real Case: One user tried to get a scon to find out what another person's E-mail address was even though the user didn't know his target's home system, account name, or real name.

Maestro
- "Well, first I sat down, like this. Then I logged on, like this, and after that, I typed in my password, like this, and after that I edited my file, like this, and after that I went to this line here, like this, and after that I picked my nose, like this..."
Advantages: Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error.
Disadvantages: For as long as five or six hours.
Symptoms: Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right, okay, but what was the ERROR?", and a strong fondness for the phrase, "Well, I'm getting to that."
Real Case: I once had to spend half an hour looking over a user's shoulder while they continuously retrieved a document into itself and denied that they did it (the user was complaining that their document was 87 copies of the same thing).

Princess (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males)
- "I need a Mac, and someone's got the one I like reserved, would you please garrote him and put him in the paper recycling bin?"
Advantages: Flatters you with their high standards for your service.
Disadvantages: Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people on this planet.
Symptoms: Inability to communicate except by complaining.
Real Case: One asked a scon to remove the message of the day because he (the user) didn't like it.