This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie's very own X-terminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA's "In a Nutshell" series. The Barbie clothing includes a dirty button-up shirt and a pair of well-worn jeans. Accessories include a Casio all-purpose watch, and glasses with lenses thick enough to set ants on fire. (Pocket protectors and HP calculators optional.)

The new Barbie has the incredible ability to stare at the screen without blinking her eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 16 hours straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such as "What's you're Internet address?", "I like TCP/IP!", "Bummer! Your kernel must have gotten trashed," "Can't you grep that file?", and "DEC's Alpha AXP is awesome!"

"We are very excited about this product," said Ken Olsen, Marketing Executive, "and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage incurred by the mathophobic Barbie."

(A year ago, Mattel released Barbie dolls that say, "Math is hard," with a condescending companion Ken.)

The Hacker Barbie's Ken is an incompetent management consultant who frequently asks Barbie for help.

The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of Barbie dolls. Naomi Falodji says, "I believe that these new dolls will finally terminate the notion that womyn are inherently inferior when it comes to mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Ken's hierarchical superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and oppress the masses." Mattel made no comment.

Parents, however, are worried that they will fall behind the children technologically when the Hacker Barbie comes out.

"My daughter Jenny plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie for two days," says Mrs. Mary Carlson of rural Oxford, Mississippi, "and now she pays my credit card bill online. Got no idea how she does it, but she surely does it. I just don't wanna be looked upon as some dumb mama."

Mattel will be offering free training courses for those who purchase the Hacker Barbie.

The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with the complex aspects of Barbie. "Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail" will teach computer ethics to youngsters, while "BARBIE RITES L1KE BIFF!!!" will serve as an introduction to expository writing.

If you were a modern, "high-tech" individual, you would not be getting your news this old-fashioned way. Instead, you'd simply go to your computer and "log on" via your "modem" to an "on-line service," which would instantaneously send you back an "electronic message" informing you that your account has been "suspended" because your 14-year-old son, "Robert," has been using it to "screw around." That's what happened to us here at Komputer Korner, which is why we still get our information from the newspaper. We especially enjoy reading articles about the national debt, because our son will have to pay it back.

But the point is that there is a Computer Revolution going on, and if you don't adapt to the changing climate, you will go the way of the dinosaurs, who became extinct almost overnight as a result of their inability to operate fax machines. This is similar to what is happening today, as the Information Age is rapidly turning us into a society that has two distinct and unequal classes of people: those who own personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece. The choice is yours!

Of course purchasing a computer can be confusing, which is why at this time we are going to answer your questions, using a question-and-answer format.

What's the deal with Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley?
We mean your questions about computers.

Oh. Which model of computer should I get?
The best computer for your specific needs is the one that will come on the market immediately after you actually purchase some other model. This is the key to computer ownership: There is always a newer, swoopier one coming out, and you need it. That is why we here at Komputer Korner have owned a series of progressively advanced computers, including 286s, 386s and 486s.

What do those numbers measure?
Our manhood.

What, specifically, should I look for when shopping for a computer?
You should look for a "Pentium" style computer containing numerous "megs of RAM."

What do these things mean?
Nobody has any idea, but everybody agrees that they are very desirable. You should stress them when dealing with the computer salesperson, so he or she will know that you are a knowledgeable consumer and not just some random idiot:

YOU: Is this a "Pentium" style computer?

SALESPERSON: Technically, that is a dehumidifier.

Why do I need to purchase the very latest model of computer?
So you can run "Windows 95."

What is that?
It is a hot new "software" item from the giant Microsoft Corp. that has the computer world so excited it is making cyberweewee in its pants.

Why is "Windows 95" such a big improvement over the old "Windows" software, which is currently being used on virtually every computer in the world and certain brands of toaster?
The problem with the old "Windows" software is that people, after years of intensive effort, are actually learning how to use it for some purpose other than playing electronic solitaire. This means that some businesses are in serious danger of becoming productive and possibly competing with the giant Microsoft Corp. It was therefore necessary to come up with "Windows 95," which is actually nothing like the old "Windows," and which will therefore confuse everybody and cause the U.S. economy to revert the golden era wherein 93 percent of all business computing consisted of employees accidentally deleting each other's data.

Are there some people whom you would like to mention in this column for no apparent reason?
Yes. They are Ken and Tita Ellis of Singapore.

How does "E-mail" work?
It's very simple: Each person on the "Internet" has a unique E-mail "address" created by having a squirrel run across a computer keyboard, such as: "geekboogr2038rpm(!)rbi." When you wish to communicate with somebody, you simply put that person's address on your message, give the "send" command, and within seconds -- no matter where in the world the addressee is -- your message is being read by dozens of teenage "hackers," who are also using your Visa card number to purchase Hawaiian vacations. Don't try to stop them: They can also launch missiles.

Got a Question for Komputer Korner?
Write it on a piece of paper and mail it via the U.S. Disgruntled Postal Worker Service.