HuMoR - TIADA LogOn TANPA SENYUM ™
HuMoR - TIADA LogOn TANPA SENYUM ™
Viral Humor
By now we all know the "Good Times" virus was a hoax. Here's a list of other viruses 'known' to be on the looseBOBBIT VIRUS:
Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS:
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electric micro-organism."
ROSS PEROT VIRUS:
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS:
It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS:
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS:
Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2:
Their is sumthing rong wit yor komputer, ewe just cant figyour out watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically
nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS:
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error)
TEXAS VIRUS:
Makes sure that it is bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS:
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS:
Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS:
Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS:
Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS:
Your programs can never be found again.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS:
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
STAR TREK VIRUS:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS:
It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs... No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all
the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
WEBWANK INTERNATIONAL
p r e s e n t s
WebWank Extensions to HTML!
=========================================
WebWank International is proud to present its latest extensions to the HTML language. Even though the W3O refuses to
make mention of us except in dirty scrawlings on the bathroom stalls at MIT, we're working very, very, very closely with them
to make sure that OUR extensions to HTML make it into HTML 3.0. Forget style sheets -- they're too hard! We know you'd
*much* rather spend oodles of time working in a half-baked language for hours on end trying to achieve that "perfect" effect --
only to find that WebWank for TI-99/4 computers makes it look totally different!
Oh, and don't forget -- when you have a document created with WebWank Extensions, we'll give you the legal right and
privilege to display a 16x16 copy of our logo on your page!
And now, without any further ado, WebWank International is proud to present our glorious extensions to HTML (which have,
of course, been carefully designed not to screw up people with inferior browsers):
THE TAGS
<WANK>
<ROLLING>
<FLY PATTERN=LOOP|FIGURE_EIGHT|FALL|HOVER|ZIP>
<AUTOPRINT>
<HEY!>
THE ATTRIBUTES
<HTML AUTOPRINT>
<HTML SUPER-SECURE>
<BODY UNREADABLE>
<BODY WAITFORIT=5>
<BODY UNREADABLE>
<BODY BLINKON=time BLINKOFF=time>
<IMG ALIGN=...>
Needless to say, WebWank Extensions are the way to go on the Web now! We hope that using them gives your page the
extra pizazz it needs to stand out from the documents full of only boring words. We know that the future of the 'net isn't as a
global library of information, but rather, a gigantic mall and playground, where you can forget about the real world.
See you on our Web!
"SGML? WHO NEEDS IT?!"
This tag, perhaps our finest, *automatically* inserts the following sentence into your document:
This page looks best with WebWank 4.5.1Q, and if you don't have it, you can download it by clicking (because we
know that the only people worthy of using the Web are those who can do it with a mouse) HERE!
(Note: We expect, as WebWank Extensions take momentum, that other browsers will automatically absorb the <WANK> tag.)
Inserting your text between <ROLLING>...</ROLLING> renders it in 3-D and makes it spin around and around, creating a
wonderful effect that all your readers are sure to like!
(We strongly suggest you also include the <BARFBAG> tag, which creates a button at the bottom which signals your local WebWank International office to ship your reader a barf-bag for future
sessions. We are only too happy to provide this service.)
You say your text doesn't move people like it used to? Well, you can make them move -- their eyes at least -- with this all new
tag! Text inserted between <FLY>...</FLY> tags lifts off right off the page, floating around your desktop like a swarm of flies!
(Note: We expect to include a <FLYSWATTER> tag in a future revision of WebWank.)
Jealous of those people in direct-mail advertising who always have their documents lying around their target audience's desk
for months? Well, with this tag, you can have that same influence! Won't your users be surprised when their printer starts
spitting out pages after pages of your product literature, or political ideas? For an example of how well this works, drop by our
home page, and get a free copy of "War and Peace", set in 20-point Times Roman for the visually impaired!
The <HEY!> tag creates a little button for all those users who would complain that they can't read your pages because they're
using an inferior browser! They think they're getting to you, but instead, you can use the mailing list it generates to tell them all
about your products!
Works just like the <AUTOPRINT> tag, but instead of the enclosed text, this nifty little attribute prints your whole HTML document!
Our method uses a 65,536-bit key, unlike those woosy little 128-bit keys used by our competition! Your readers will sleep
safely at night knowing that their credit card information can only be cracked by a Cray II (which we absolutely *know* no
U.C.-Berkeley students can get their hands on)!
(Note: due to the extreme length of the key, decoding will take about an hour on a Pentium-133.)
This attribute to the BODY tag saves you the trouble of coming up with bad color and background choices that make your
pages unreadable on anything but a 1280x1024, 24-bit color system! For added effect, you can use multiple <BODY> tags
(unlike our unmentionable competitor, whose latest product introduced a bug that won't let you), along with the WAITFORIT
attribute, that gives your reader a five-second glimpse of what the page really says -- then takes it away from them! Look at
the following code sample:
Your readers will squeal with delight, reloading your page again and again! After all, if the Web wasn't created for fun, what was it created for?
Not satisfied with just a plain old header blinking? Make your whole document stand out with these all-new attributes! The
BLINKON and BLINKOFF specify times that your document is visible and not visible!
Well, now that (an unmentionable undergraduate student) has royally screwed up the IMG ALIGN attribute, we've decided to
specify our whole new list of ALIGN values:
(Note: will not work on computers without a desktop.)
Aligns the absolute middle of your image with the middle of the dent on the lowercase letter "r".
Aligns the bottom of your image with the tip of the tail on the uppercase letter "Q".
No matter where you put the IMG tag, the -corner tags make sure that your image
shows up in the appropriate corner of your document! Great for company logos, when you're just too lazy to get them in the
right place!
If you're not satisfied with your image being the background to your document, you can replace your reader's
desktop pattern with the image you specify! Long after you've closed your copy of WebWank, your readers will remember
their visit to your page!
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Warung HuMoR-l™