It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boyfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.

These are just a few signs... Just be very careful!

A very elderly couple went to see a lawyer.

They were ushered gently into the lawyer's inner office, and sat across the desk from the attorney who was studying the couple's papers. He looked up after a moment. "How can I help you today, Mr. and Mrs. Watson?"

The woman piped up in a thin, reedy voice. "We've come to get your help in filing for a divorce."

"A divorce?" The lawyer was stunned. "If you don't mind my asking, how old are you two?"

"I'm 98 and my husband just turned 101."

"Let me get this straight. It says here you've been married since 1917. The two of you obviously aren't going to be around too many more years. Why a divorce, after all this time?"

"Well," said the woman, "we wanted to wait until the children were dead."

Calvin Klein plucked a homeless man off the streets to be his company's next model, says Tatham, "Klein said he was perfect for the job because he was already starving."

Broadcast News: Under guidelines proposed by TV producers, shows with lots of sex would be labeled "S" and shows with lots of violence would be labeled "V." Says Jenny Church, "And shows with neither would be labeled 'Canceled.'"