The bartender says, "Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"

The guy begs him: "Look, I'm desparate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!"

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that they will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

The game begins with the Jets receiving the kickoff. They march downfield, get stopped at about the 30, and kick a field goal.

With that the dog jumps up on the bar, and begins walking up and down the bar giving a high-five to everyone.

The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"

"I don't know," replies the owner. "I've only had him for 4 years."

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

The word politics is a fairly ancient word, as it comes from two latin roots. The first part of the word comes from the latin root "POLY" which means many. The second part of the word comes from the latin root "TICS" which means "blood sucking parisites", hence the word politics actually means, "MANY BLOOD-SUCKING PARISITES." Need we say any more.