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Row the boat ashore

This tourist stood on the beach at the Lake of Galilee. He would like to cross the lake by boat, so he asked: 'How much does it cost to cross the lake by boat ?' The reply was 'To cross the lake by boat you pay me $10.00'. 'Ten dollars ?? No wonder Jesus walked !'

In The News....

President Clinton has signed the Maternity Bill, which oddly enough, is also his nickname.

The House Ethics Committee is investigating Newt Gingrich. Spokesmen for the speaker continue to insist that he has never personally been involved with ethics in any way.

Rumors have it that JFK Jr.'s new bride is pregnant. If it's a boy I bet they call him John John John.

After just five weeks on the pro golf tour, Tiger Woods dropped out of a tournament, claiming exhaustion. To recover from the stress of getting paid millions to play golf while someone else carries his clubs, perhaps he should take a nice relaxing ride in rush hour traffic and work a refreshing 9 to 5 job for awhile...

Los Angeles Police Chief Willie Williams broke ground for a museum of LAPD history. It's only fair - we have a Museum of Tolerance - both sides deserve equal time.

And finally, a street in Hollywood is being renamed in honor of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. It's a cult-de-sac.

Rejection Letters of the Stars

Dear Mr. King,

After careful consideration, we have decided to deny your request to let Richard Ramirez, a.k.a. the Night Stalker, fight Mike Tyson. Though we are sure such an event would be very commercially viable, we do not feel it appropriate to release Mr. Ramirez from custody. We would be glad, on the other hand, to let you have Lyle and Eric Menendez at a discount. Please inform us if you are interested.

Sincerely Yours,
The California State Department of Corrections

Dear Mr. Waller,

We were very honored by your request to serialize your novel, "The Bridges of Madison County," in our magazine. Unfortunately, as we perused it, we found that your female character was way too old and you didn't use the word "hooters" once. We wish you the best of luck placing it elsewhere.

Cordially,
Hustler Magazine

Dear Ms. Fleiss,

Thank you for your recent letter to Mother Teresa on your thoughts to help raise funds for her charitable projects. Unfortunately, she did not feel that calling the teenage female orphans "Terri's Girls" would be viewed well by the Pope.

Yours in God,
Sister Mary Stigmata

Dear Mr. Simpson,

Thank you for your interest in our products. Though we considered your "I've Found One That Fits" campaign proposal intriguing, we do not feel it is the image we want to present to the public.

Best Of Luck,
The Isotoner Corporation

Dear Mr. Quayle,

As much as we would like to help, we cannot send the Oompah Loompahs to your birthday party. Yes, we know they're cute, but unfortunately they don't exist.

Regretfully,
Willy Wonka Candies