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Scottich Chess Rules

Did you here that they've changed the rules of chess in Scotland?
A bishop can now jump anything!

E x c u s e s

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

The TOP 16 Signs Your Waitress is Nuts

  1. That pea soup looks mighty good spewing out of her spinning head.

  2. Despite the snug Hooters shirt, the ZZTop beard makes her awful damn unattractive.

  3. When you order the Pad Thai, she loudly replies, "Gladys don't speak no Eye-talian!"

  4. Uses your tortillas as dress shields.

  5. Tells you about the specials using interpretive dance.

  6. Hands you a flaregun and says, "Just fire up one of these if you need anything else, Hon."

  7. Always forgets to serve scalding soup directly into Howard Stern's crotch.

  8. When you order fries, she asks, "You want fries with that?"

  9. For an appetizer, she administers the Heimlich manuver, "just in case."

  10. Insists you order off of the Unabomber manifesto.

  11. No matter what you order, all you get is flan.

  12. Insists you order in Pig Latin.

  13. Has Today's Specials tattooed on her ass.

  14. She claims that you remind her of Elvis, then goes berserk when you don't leave a Cadillac for a tip.

  15. Swears she can see her reflection in your mashed potatoes.

  16. Easily confused -- instead of a BLT, she brings you LBJ.

    A Point Well Taken...

    The post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers. It seems people were confused as to which side to spit on.

    White Collar Crime

    The stock broker was nervous his first day in prison because his cellmate looked like a tough customer. "Don't worry," the gruff fellow said, "I'm in for a white-collar crime, too."

    "Is that right?" The stock broker said, relieved.

    "Yeah," said the prisoner, "I killed a priest."

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