356 BC -- An underground sect of Toast worshippers is formed -- The Toaest Vndergrovnd, dedicated to the advancement of toasted products.

32 AD -- Jesus Christ, in his search for a faith that will fool the masses, discovers the ancient sect of the Toaest Vndergrovnd. Thinking he has finally found what he is looking for, Jesus fully grasps the doctrine and attempts to spread the word. Unfortunately, the people are both illiterate and stupid, and misinterpret his speeches for the advancement of toasted products as words from the messiah, nailing him to a big piece of wood because of it.

34 AD -- To avoid the controversy surrounding their spokesman's death, the sect changes its name to the Toaest Clvb and change their slogan to "why not enjoy a slice of heaven today?" officially making the first advertising jingle.

103 AD -- With the fall of the Roman Empire, the Toaest Clvb is disbanded in disgrace after the club's chairman is found dead, panties on his head, lying on a bed of cocaine and counterfeit money, a whore in one arm, and unbaked dough in the other. Asked later about the incident, Vice Chairman Aero Sol comments: "We could understand the drugs, the money, and the whore -- but the dough was too much."

1056 AD -- Disciples of Christ uncover documents linking Jesus Christ and the ancient Toaest Clvb, and in an effort to get closer to god and all that jazz, restart the sect under the name "Toastus Groupii" and adopt the slogan "Getus closerii tous Jehovah throughii Toastus." The masses, infuriated over the slogan's mocking of good Latin, violently oppose the group and the Crusades, Inquisition, and Black Plague result.

1704 AD -- After surviving the middle ages, the popularity of the Toastus Groupii flourishes in pre-revolution France. The French rename it "L'echange Toast" and change the slogan to "Le Toast -- Ces't Manifique!" This slogan becomes the battle cry for many revolutionaries, and was heard quite often during the beheadings.

1754 AD -- Champlain is heard to utter "I sure wish I had some toast" while visiting the sight of Montreal, and "L'echange Toast" officially enters the New World.

1776 AD -- During the celebrations in Philadelphia, a general overtone of toast predominates among the founding fathers of the USA. Being Americans, however, they completely block out any and all doctrines of "L'echange Toast," forever losing its influence in American History.

Early 1800s -- With the coming of the English, "L'echange Toast" is slowly absorbed into Upper Canadian society, under the new name "The Toast Hovercraft."

1812 AD -- Hearing of the joys of toast in upper Canada, the Americans invade, in hopes of capturing the secret of enjoying a slice of heaven. Guided by their love for toast, the Canadians push back the Americans into their own little country. Most Americans remember this war as "Oh yeah, that little thing we did" and then try to change the subject to W.W.II.

1901 AD -- With the taming of the west and the industrial revolution, the toast hovercraft is finally renamed "The toast Exchange" after someone finds a French/English dictionary, and the original slogan, "For the betterment of toasted products" is reinstated.

1925 AD -- The swinging new dance craze, the "toast" sweeps North America and Europe.

1939 AD -- Hearing of the rise in popularity of the toast exchange in Poland, Hitler moves in to check it out. Upset with being beaten to the punch, England declares war on Germany.

1941 AD -- The Toast Exchange's slogan becomes the silent motivation for the war effort in both Germany and England. The French, still upset over that whole hovercraft thing, just sit around and drink a lot.

1945 AD -- When asked what kept him going through the war, Churchill responds, "It was the toast, my good man. It was the toast." This quote mysteriously does not appear in his biography.

1963 AD -- The Toast Exchange remains hidden throughout most of the fifties and early sixties, probably over the whole Aqua Marine thing. The first public statement from the group came after the assassination of JFK -- "It wasn't toast, that's for sure."

NEW YORK -- It was the end of an era in American entertainment Monday, as the 55-year history of television came to a close.

Though the decision to stop transmitting has come as a shock to U.S. viewers, whose reactions have ranged from wild panic to profound grief, television industry insiders say it was an idea whose time had come.

"It's been great producing shows over the years, and we are very grateful for all the hours the fans have spent watching. But we just feel we've taken the medium as far as it can go," NBC president William Schallert said. "Anything more would just become a tired rehash of old ideas. We'd like TV to be remembered as something better than that."

At 9:17 p.m. EST, millions of Americans watched in horror as their favorite programs--including Melrose Place, Murphy Brown and Monday Night Football--were cut off by hissing white noise and static on their TV screens. While many sat in front for hours, staring in slack-jawed disbelief, others took to rioting in the streets, looting stores and overturning cars.

In Los Angeles, a violent mob of 25,000 has been rioting nonstop since Monday night, setting autos aflame and terrorizing electronics repair stores. Marching through the streets with their no-longer-functioning TVs skewered at the ends of long poles, the L.A. rioters have captured many of these electronics stores' employees, angrily demanding they "fix" the defunct sets, savagely beating them when they are inevitably unable to do so.

Despite the public's violent reaction, network executives stand by their decision. "Sure, I suppose we could have kept it up indefinitely, but what would have been the point?" said Tony Dow, director of programming for the WB Network. "Last week, we aired an episode of Moesha where Mo was too embarrassed to wear her glasses on a big date, so she went without them and bumped into lots of things. Do you have any idea how many times a sitcom has used that premise? I mean, give me a break."

"No... tee... VEEEEEE..." droned Knoxville, TN, dry cleaner Dave Benedict, drooling heavily as he repeatedly pointed and clicked his now-obsolete remote control at the blank screen of his Sony Trinitron. "Where... Frasier?... can't see... Frasier..." Benedict has remained in such a state for the last 72 hours, gripping the arms of his recliner, surrounded by empty soda cans and snack-chip bags, and waist deep in his own feces and urine.

In addition to the shut-down of programming by the major broadcasting networks, all cable television companies, as well as the videocassette market, have closed shop as well.

"Now that TV is over, I suppose we could still continue our video- rental business. But if you think about it, it's so much less enjoyable to watch films on the small screen than it is to see them in theaters," Blockbuster Video CEO Wayne Huizenga said. "There's just no substitute for the old-time Hollywood magic of the larger-than-life movie-theater experience. I don't think people would be interested."

"I talked to my wife for four hours last night," said Denver resident Charles Bain. "I got home from work, she started talking. I turned on the TV: Nothing! Nowhere to go, nothing to do but relate to her and the children!"

"AIIIIIEEEEE!!" Bain added, diving headfirst through a plate-glass window to his death.

Companies traditionally heavily reliant on TV advertising, such as Microsoft, Reebok, Chrysler and Gold Bond Medicated Powder, have reacted swiftly to news of the shutdown, transferring their commercials to "Burma Shave"-style sequential roadside signs; hand-held placards; and travelling circus sideshow-based promotions.

Actors left jobless by television's demise have also been forced to make the transition to post-TV America, albeit less smoothly. Though some are doing dinner theater, most television actors have returned to their pre-TV careers as waiters and waitresses. Some, like former TV superstar Candace Bergen--who recently legally changed her name to Murphy Brown in hopes of retaining celebrity status--have launched hastily arranged touring versions of their former shows, performing old episodes live in malls and department-store parking lots throughout the countryside.

"Bring the kids down to see Murphy Brown--Live On Stage, three nights only, at the Omaha Val-U-Sav through Saturday," a tired-looking Brown exhorted a Nebraska crowd. "And be sure not to miss Murphy In Song, a medley of your favorite showtunes, sung by me, Murphy Brown herself, immediately before and after the show! Showtimes are 7:30, 8:15 and 8:45, three shows nightly!"

"I dance too!" she added.

Despite throwing nearly every aspect of American society into chaos with their decision, television executives remain optimistic about the future.

"Television was a nice enough medium, but it always fell flat compared to other means of expression: the power of the written word, the magic of painting and the thrill of community-based quilting bees," Viacom's Eileen Brennan said. "We tried to take it far, but compared to those things, I think it's obvious that TV never stood a chance."

Looking ahead, former NBC president Brandon Tartikoff struck a note of hope. "We feel that with television over, the American people will waste no time returning to the more productive hobbies they have always preferred, such as nature hiking, family piano-parlor sing-a-longs and open mike poetry readings," Tartikoff said. "There's only so much revenue that can be generated spooning pre-adolescent pixilated pablum to the lowest common demographic denominator. In retrospect, we're glad we quit while we were ahead. I think it's pretty obvious the American consumers felt they deserved better."

"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
Really means....
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really means....
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means....
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means....
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means....
"Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means....
"I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means....
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
Really means....
"Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means....
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means....
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means....
"What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means....
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means....
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means....
"You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means....
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means....
"I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means....
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means....
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means....
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
Really means....
"It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means....
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means....
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her."
Really means....
"She dumped me."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."