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Old fart Strikes Again

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

In The News...

President Clinton's medical record shows that his worst problems are hoarseness, allergies and weight control His doctor said she has no idea what could possibly give a guy a scratchy throat, red eyes and the munchies. (Bill Maher)

The Supreme Court refused to review Clintons policy on gays in the military. When asked why, they wouldn't tell.

In order to get a mixed group whose members aren't familiar with the OJ Simpson case, the jury is composed of three Tasmanians, three contestants from Wheel Of Fortune, four space aliens, a cocker spaniel and some dead guy.

JFK Jr. says he was inspired to propose when he was gazing out a window pondering the marriage decision one day, when he noticed a Nike ad that said "Just Do It!" Wow, good thing he wasn't sitting there wondering what a sex change operation would be like...

A study shows that kids who eat heavily sugared cereal half an hour before school do better than those who eat it 2 1/2 hours before. Their test scores are grrrrrrreat!

According to a new survey, 35% of men think having sex is a good way to end an argument. Especially if the argument was over whether to have sex. (Jay Leno) I don't know if it's true or not, but it would sure add an interesting twist to those televised presidential debates.

Male firefighters in Iowa are protesting the appointment of the volunteer department's first woman. The leader of the protest said, "The next thing you know, they'll want to vote, run for Congress and ride in the space shuttle."

Nebraska's state tourism board is planning a big publicity push to attract more visitors. It's a big challenge when you've got the glitz and glitter of Iowa right next door.

And finally, McDonald's will soon start serving its Quarter Pounder in an eco-friendly package made from potato starch. Smart diners will toss the burger and eat the wrapper.

Mad Dogs and Englishmen...

Three Englishmen were together in a train compartment; all coincidentally were hard-of-hearing (or maybe the train was just -very- noisy).

The first Englishman said, as the train neared a station: "Is this Wembley?"

The second Englishman said: "No, it's Thursday..."

The third Englishman, taking out a flask, said: "Yes, so am I - let's all have a drink!"