Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your score to see if you should be concerned:

1. 1. What do you think are good names for children?
   a) Scott and Jenny.
   b) Bill Gates IV.
   c) Mozilla and Dotcom.

2. What's a telephone?
   a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.
   b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys.
   c) Something you plug into a modem.

3. Which punctuation is most correct?
   a) I had a wonderful day!
   b) I had a **wonderful** day!!!
   c) I had a wonderful day :-)

4. You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to:
   a) Visit the washroom.
   b) Raid the fridge.
   c) Check your E-mail.

5. What are RAM and ROM?
   a) A male sheep and a city in Italy.
   b) Hulking stars of the WWF.
   c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter.

6. To avoid a virus you should:
   a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.
   b) Never read E-mail titled "Good Times".
   c) Use virus scanning software every time you boot up.

7. When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:
   a) Ask friends where to purchase it.
   b) Check out the Yellow Pages.
   c) Go to Yahoo!

8. When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you:
   a) Call the retailer.
   b) Call the manufacturer's toll-free number.
   c) Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ.

9. When you want to see all the beautiful people you:
   a) Visit a club on a Saturday night.
   b) Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.
   c) Check out the alt.binary newsgroups.

10. How do you introduce yourself at a party?
    a) Hi, I'm Jane!
    b) Hi, I'm a Taurus on the cusp.
    c) Hi, I'm a 5'10" hot blonde with a super bod.

11. When you're interested in someone at a party you say:
    a) Tell me more about yourself.
    b) What's your star sign?
    c) What's your Profile?

12. If you really like the person, you say:
    a) Could you tell me your phone number?
    b) What's your E-mail address?
    c) Let's chat Private.

13. When I say spam, you think:
    a) Ham in a can.
    b) Unsolicited advertising E-mail.
    c) I mailbomb all spammers!

14. When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:
    a) I don't need another mug coaster.
    b) Great! I'll reformat and use it for backups.
    c) Great! I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours.

15. When you want to research a reference you:
    a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.
    b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.
    c) Go to www.altavista.digital.com.

16. When you write a letter you:
    a) Put pencil to paper.
    b) Open Eudora.
    c) Ask: What's a letter? Is it like E-mail?

17. Different types of text formatting include:
    a) Writing and printing.
    b) Underline and double-strike.
    c) Bold and italic.

18. You correct errors using:
    a) An eraser.
    b) White-out.
    c) Backspace or delete.

19. You sign your name:
    a) Best regards, John Smith.
    b) See you in IRC, John_Smith.
    c) Check out my home page for the cool links, johnsmith@aol.com.

20. To keep a copy of your letter you:
    a) Insert a carbon and a second sheet.
    b) Take it to the photocopier.
    c) Check your Sent Mail folder.

SCORING:

Give yourself zero points for each "a" response, five for each "b" and 10 for each "c".

If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log more hours in real life.

If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix of Net and reality.

If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this far.

The National Enquirer says Tori Spelling's weight has dropped to 95 pounds. Spelling insists she doesn't have a problem, she's just trying o get back to her original weight of 7 pounds, 3 ounces.

Kato Kaelin had to have his appendix removed. It's basically a useless organ than serves no particular purpose. It's a shame they had to break up a matched set.

After a month's delay, the trashing of four episodes and a complete revamping, the CBS sitcom "Ink" finally premiered Monday night. Reqrites were so extensive, the producers considered renaming the show "Pencil".

A new survey says that for the first time, more than half of Americans are overweight. Most of them are in the same geographic region... in front of the TV. It's not because of a lack of health information. A lot of people have seen the light. Unfortunately, it was the one inside the refrigerator.

An Australian doctor is putting a euthanasia instruction kit on the Internet. He's in direct competition with another big name in the assisted suicide business, Phillip Morris.

A Las Vegas deputy district attorney, stopped by a cop, was found to have cocaine and a prostitute in his car. He was let go after he promised not to bill overtime for taking his work home with him.

A proposal by a San Francisco supervisor would allow the city to have sex clubs, as long as they follow safe sex procedures. Such a law would mean if you're going to San Francisco, be sure to wear more than flowers in your hair.

And finally, a 70 year old man was jailed in Edna, Texas, after a state trooper pulled him over and found 3 million Valium pills in his car. You may not have heard of Edna. It's a sleepy little town...

A little old lady walks into a taxidermist shop carrying the dead bodies of her pet male and female monkeys. She explains they were her favorite pets and she misses seeing them around the house.

"Would you like to have them mounted?" asks the taxidermist.

"Oh, no," she replies, "standing side by side will be just fine."

A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover.

After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.

He says, "I'm here about your ad."

Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're loyal?"

"Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam. That's where I lost my arms and legs," he replies.

"Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires.

"I make over $3 million a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement," he continues.

Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I know you're a good lover?"

He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"