AGE        DRINK

      17         beer
      25         beer
      35         vodka
      48         double vodka
      66         Maalox

                 SEDUCTION LINE

      17         My parents are away for the weekend.
      25         My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
      35         My fiancee is away for the weekend.
      48         My wife is away for the weekend.
      66         My second wife is dead.

                 FAVORITE SPORT

      17         sex
      25         sex
      35         sex
      48         sex
      66         napping

                 DRUG

      17         pot
      25         coke
      35         really good coke
      48         power
      66         coke, a limousine, the company jet

                 DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

      17         "tongue"
      25         "breakfast"
      35         "She didn't set back my therapy."
      48         "I didn't bump into her kids."
      66         "Got home alive."

                 FAVORITE FANTASY

      17         getting to third
      25         airplane sex
      35         menage a trois
      48         taking his company public
      66         Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

                 HOUSE PET

      17         roaches
      25         stoned-out college roommate
      35         Irish setter
      48         children from his first marriage
      66         Barbi

                 WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

      17         25
      25         35
      35         48
      48         66
      66         17

                 IDEAL DATE

      17         Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
      25         "Split the check before we go back to my place"
      35         "Just come over."
      48         "Just come over and cook."
      66         sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank

1. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.

2. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.

3. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.

4. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time

5. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"

6. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

7. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.

8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

9. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.

10. No warm blood for miles around DC.

11. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.

12. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.

13. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."

14. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

    and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...

15. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked.

Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:

Lose weight, Only $1.00 a pound, Call (202) 555-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

The man responded, "Ten pounds."

The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds."

"Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That"s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here"s my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative.

At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating,

"IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU."