Pope John Paul II proclaimed his belief that God and science can coexist. Of course they can. Who do you think got me through my chemestry tests?

Researchers say men and women perceive pain differently. For example, women feel pain during childbirth, while men feel pain during Monday Night Football.

Informants say mob leaders want to oust John Gotti as head of the Gambino family. Insiders claim it will take a lot to fill his shoes. Yeah, like two bags of cement...

A clinic in Arizona is testing caffeine in IV drips for patients who get headaches after surgery. The best part of waking up, is Folger's in your arm. (Leno)

A handsome man and a beautiful girl met, fell in love, immediately got married and went on their honeymoon. On their wedding night, the bride went into the bathroom first to freshen up. Unfortunately, she had bad breath so terrible she had to take drugs to control it. However, she decided it would be best to let her husband in on her secret since they would be spending the rest of their lives together. She skipped taking the drugs and returned to bed. Her husband then went into the bathroom to freshen up. He also had a terrible problem with foot odor that required special medication to control it. Like his wife, he decided the time had come for her to learn about his problem so he returned to bed without using the medication. He jumped into bed, grabbed his wife and gave her a big kiss.

She said, "I have something to tell you."

"That's OK," he said, "I already know what it is, you ate my socks."

1. By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick.

2. Clown car must be started with breathalyzer device.

3. Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"

4. References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds.

5. Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.

6. Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.

7. Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.

8. Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.

9. Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint."

10. Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.

11. Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"

12. More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.

13. Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit.

14. A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.

15. Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."

16. Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..."

17. Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world."

    ...and the Number 1 Sign You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party...

18. All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.