NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME______________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________
IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS__________________________
CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____

Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________ If NO, explain___________

Number of years married________If less than your age, Explain____________________

Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____ A waterbed?__________

A pickup with a mattress in the back?______ A condom?______ Pornography?_______

Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring?________ A tattoo?___________
(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?______________________________ __________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?__________ __________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?_________________________ __________________________________________________

Church you attend_________________________________
How often you attend_______

When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and priest?_____________

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
(that means I won't tell anyone EVER)

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my________________________

C: A woman's place is in the__________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is____________________

E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is______________________

NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.

What do you want to do IF you grow up__________________________________________

What is the current going rate of a hotel room?____________________________________

Condoms come in A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OF THE ABOVE (circle one)

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_______________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name moron)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).

A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are made. The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop! "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the hiss is, but what's that pop every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condom!" the man states. The guide replies, "No, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

There once was a young sailor who couldn't resist a bet. He would make a bet on anything and he would always win. His shipmates were continually losing their money to him, making them very irritated.

The Captain decided to have the boy transferred to another ship. The next day the boy was transferred, and less than 15 minutes after boarding the ship, the boy addressed his new Captain and bet him 50 dollars he had hemorrhoids. The new Captain had just gotten a physical and knew he had no hemorrhoids, so he agreed to the bet. The boy told his new Captain to drop his drawers and bend over. The Captain did so, and when he bent over, the boy shoved a broomstick up the Captain's ass. The sailor found no hemorrhoids and paid the Captain 50 bucks. The new Captain thought this was great and wanted to call the boy's old Captain and tell him.

When he got the old Captain on the phone he told him he had just taken 50 dollars from the boy. The old Captain replied, "How?"

"Well," explained the Captain, "he bet me I had hemorrhoids. I knew I didn't so I bet him. He told me to drop my drawers and bend over. When I did, he shoved a broomstick up my ass. Hey, no hemorrhoids. Fifty bucks I won."

The old Captain shouted, "That son-of-a-bitch! Before he left here he bet me 500 dollars that within hour he would have a broomstick shoved up your ass!"