Speaking as a blond, let me tell you you're going to have to get used to being treated as a sex object. I mean, I had to gain weight, get a middle-management job, and get these goofy glasses just to be taken seriously.

-- Drew Carey, on "The Drew Carey Show"

A Glendale firm originally formed by the Three Stooges plans to market the act's image of buffoonery and ineptitude. Says Easley, "The company recognizes that it will face stiff competition from the Three Branches of Government."

The Department of Agriculture declared that supermarkets can no longer call cold chicken "fresh." Says Steve Voldseth, "Now, if they could just keep the airlines from calling it an in-flight meal."

Skater Nancy Kerrigan gave birth to her first child last week. Says Mills, "Well, we know who the godmother won't be."

A study in black and white: The Oakland school board declared black English a separate language, called "Ebonics." No word yet on when they plan to recognize these other languages spoken by many students:

• Gruntonics, spoken by jocks. (Steve Tatham)
• Dudeonics, spoken by surfers (Kaseberg)
• Klingonics, spoken by Trekkies. (Tatham)
• Right-onics, spoken by hip retro '70s kids. (Tatham)
• Catatonics, spoken by Al Gore fans. (Kaseberg)
• Louis Vuittonics, spoken by snobby rich kids. (Tatham)

Oakland plans to seek federal funds for bilingual programs. Says Cutler, "So the language we're really talking here is money."

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agrees to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However," said the priest, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree and run off.

Monday morning comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.

The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "Okay, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit the dog and killed it." The priest looks up at heaven for half a minute then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

The third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, I have sinned." The priest says, "Ok. Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.

The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "Ok, what did you do this weekend that was so darn funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."