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P i c k l e s

Every pickle you eat brings you nearer to death. Amazingly, the "thinking man" has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the term, "in a pickle." Although leading horticulturists have long known that Cucmis sativus possesses an indehiscent pepo, the pickle industry continues to expand. Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten pickles. The effects are obviously cumulative:

99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles.
100% of all soldiers have eaten pickles.
96.9 % of all Communist sympathizers have eaten pickles.
99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 6 months preceding the accident.
93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where pickles were served frequently.

Evidence points to the long-term effects of pickle eating: Of all the people born in 1839 who later dined on pickles, there has been a 100% mortality rate.

In spite of all the evidence, pickle growers and packers continue to spread their evil. More than 120,000 acres of fertile U S soil are devoted to growing pickles. Americans' per capita annual consumption is nearly four pounds. Alternative: Eat orchid petal soup. Practically no one has as many problems from eating orchid petal soup as one does with eating pickles.

How not to lose your partner

Here's a tip for those of you who don't want their partner to leave them. While they are asleep, put a few nicorette patches (nicotine patches for people trying to give up smoking) on their arm. Remove them before they wake up. Keep doing this for a while until they are up to the equivalent of about 60 cigarettes a day.

Then, if they should ever leave you they'll get such awful cravings that they'll think they must still love you and come back.

In The News...

A Russian rocket headed for Mars went off course and crashed into the ocean off the coast of Australia. Officials suspect that the sensitive onboard guidance system suddenly became confused and disoriented after it passed over Michael Jackson's wedding.

Glendale Federal Bank plans to open branches in Kinko's copying centers. The combined establishment will have a new name - Counterfeiters R Us.

And finally, a kindergarten teacher was suspended for writing "Where are my glasses?" on the face of a 5 year old girl who forgot to wear hers to school. As a reprimand, school officials wrote "Where is my brain?" on the teachers forehead.