HuMoR - TIADA LogOn TANPA SENYUM ™

25 rules for Women:

SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
Butthead is the smart one.
Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
Socks never constitute a gift.
Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
Curley is the bald one.
Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.
Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
No, you can't have the remote control.
If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.

How to Score Points with a Women

Simple Duties

You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car.................... +1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station.............. -1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb.... +1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 pm, just as the truck pulls away.................................................... -1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish................. +1
You leave them under the bed...................................... -5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings.................................................... +5
But return with beer.............................................. -5
You leave the toilet seat up...................................... -1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty................. 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex....... -1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom......................................... -2
You make the bed.................................................. +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows........ 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....................... -1
You check out a suspicious noise at night......................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing................. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something............... +5
You pummel it with a six iron..................................... +10
It's her father................................................... -10

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party............................. 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy........................................ -2
Named Tiffany..................................................... -4
Tiffany is a dancer............................................... -6
Tiffany has implants.............................................. -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly.............................................. +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump...................................... -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"........................................ +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed"...................................................... -6
That woman is her sister.......................................... -90
You have one drink, and that's it................................. 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle...... -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.... -18

Things Of A Disgusting Nature

You unclog a stopped-up toilet.................................... +6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit.............................. +7
You get rid of a dead rodent...................................... +8
You remove the collie from the thresher........................... +12
You take her mother to see Cats................................... +16

Saturday Afternoon

You go to the mall together....................................... +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car.................................................. +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar............................................... -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it... +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional.. 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk............. +3
Most of it chips and beer......................................... -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.... +15
Or refinishing the floors......................................... +16
Or rewiring the basement.......................................... +17
Or adding a second floor.......................................... +18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket...... -6
And you're tickled pink about it.................................. -15
You visit her parents............................................. +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation.............. +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television........ -3
And the television is off......................................... -6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear....... -6
And you didn't even go to college................................. -10
And it's not your underwear....................................... -15

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner........................................ 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.............. +1
Okay, it is a sports bar.......................................... -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.................................... -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..................... -10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player...... +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing...................................................... +4
And you stink..................................................... +2
And you're not half bad........................................... +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause.............................................. -2
You give her a gift............................................... 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance................... -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance............... +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate....................... +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.......... +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........ -10
With her credit card.............................................. -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...................... -40

Thoughtfulness

You forget her birthday completely................................ -10
You forget your anniversary....................................... -20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...................... -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey.................................... -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast....................... -50

A Night Out With The Boys

Go out with a pal................................................. -5
And the pal is happily married.................................... -4
Or frighteningly single........................................... -7
And he drives a Trans Am.......................................... -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..................... -15
You have a few beers.............................................. -9
And miss curfew by an hour........................................ -12
You get home at 3 am.............................................. -20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars........... -30
And not wearing any pants......................................... -40
Is that a tattoo???...............................................-200

Her Night Out

You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends....................................................... +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home late.......................................................... +10
You wait up....................................................... +15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20
She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed, but not before she pukes in the bathroom...................... +25
Which you clean up................................................ +35