The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?" And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

Our company provides its employees with free bagels and schmears (cream cheese spreads) three days a week. Recently this triggered the following email exchange:

---Message 1---

Everyone,
In the future, when the Shmears run out, please don't go digging through the fridge and pulling out any old bagel toppings. Please respect other people's property.

Thanks.

---Message 2---

Unless properly marked, all items in the 1820 fridge are (for the most part) considered fair game. Otherwise, things just end up sitting in there forever. It is difficult to know what is public property and what is private property unless it is properly marked.

---Message 3---

Boy, I hope we don't have to have a policy about this. But I disagree. It is safest if you label your personal stuff, but people should NOT be helping themselves to food in the fridge if it is not very likely in the "public domain."

---Message 4---

Okay, okay, what I really meant was that to avoid confusion on certain items that are commonly thought to be public items you should mark them with your name. No one is going to take your bag lunch, or bottle of mineral water. But they might take your left over piece of pizza, thinking it was left over from a training lunch.

---Message 5---

I think you shouldn't take unmarked food. There is a health risk from food poisoning. One is never quite sure how long food has been in the refrigerator unless it is your own. I know someone who became *very* sick when he used mayo from a refrigerator that had been there for a while.

---Message 6---

That's an excellent point. If anyone puts poisoned food in the refrigerator, please make sure it is *clearly* marked with your name.

---Message 7---

For those who ate the shmear, we regret to inform you that it actually was unmarked really old mayonaisse. Please report to sick bay for treatment.

---Message 8---

I think we need to organize a commitee to gather the requirements surrounding the Shmear issues.

---Message 9 (from the QA manager)---

After that is done we certainly need to hold a design review for the poison Shmear....after all gotta make sure that poison works...

---Message 10 (from a programmer)---

We should have following waterflow process:

1. Concept Whitepaper

1a. Go back to (1) if something is wrong.

2. Functional Requirment Specification

2a. Validation and Verification Plan for (2)

2b. Go back to (2) if something is wrong.

3. Implementation Specification

3a. Validation and Verification Plan for (3)

3b. Go back to (3) if something is wrong.

4. Test Plan

4a. Validation and Verification Plan for (4)

4b. Go back to (4) if something is wrong.

5. Documentation Plan

5a. Validation and Verification Plan for (5)

5b. Go back to (5) if something is wrong.

6. Support Plan

6a. Validation and Verification Plan for (6)

6b. Go back to (6) if something is wrong.

7. Prototyping

7a. Go back to (7) if something is wrong.

8. Implementation

8a. Go back to (8) if something is wrong.

9. Whitebox Testing

9a. Validate the test result.

10. Functional Testing

10a. Validate the test result.

11. Technical Support

11a. Validate the support effort.

12. Go back to (1) always. For the next release.

12a. Validate the necessity of (12)

---Message 11 (From a tech writer)---

Ok, but I can't document this without a working model...

---Message 12---

I think we need to form a police task force called SHMEAR:

Stop
Hogging
My
Eats
And
Relish

---Message 13---

QA to the rescue on the poison testing. I say we have [the QA manager] test last, when we're really sure its ready to ship.

---Message 14 (From the CEO)---

Some companies remove Pointcast from their system because it bogs down the net. Some companies remove browsers form desktops because it encourages undirected surfing.

Our company is debilitated by cream cheese.

(There were no further messages.)

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO STRESSED IF...

• Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.

• You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.

• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

• The Sun is too loud.

• Trees begin chasing you.

• You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

• You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

• You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

• You can hear mimes.

• You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

• Things becomes "Very Clear".

• You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

• The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.

• You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.

• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

• You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.

• Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

• David Lynch comes up to you and says: "Hey!, can I film you?"

• You and Reality file for divorce.

• You can skip without a rope.

• It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

• You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before..

• You can travel without moving.

• Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

• You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

• You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.

• Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.

• You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.

• You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before...

Here are some highlights of ER admissions to Chicago General over the past year:

• A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

• A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last, but not least-- during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".

• The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

• A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After 30 minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"

• A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly "You mean like having sex with our dog?"

• A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. She went to the bathroom and "gagged myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."