Men don't want to know what is on TV, they want to know what ELSE is on TV.

-- Jerry Seinfeld

How to know if you're becoming too fundamental when

• You pronounce "sin" with two syllables.

• Your daughter's beehive hairdo matches your wifes.

• You think Jesus is liberal.

• You enjoy talking to people in King James English.

• You know God on a first name basis.

• You have your application in for the Trinity.

• You are building your own pulpit for your living room.

• You think hair tonic is Biblical.

• You think dancing is a form of artificial insemination.

• You find June Cleaver attractive.

• You believe Moses could have shaved.

• You have a portrait of Sodom and Gommorrah the day after it was nuked.

• You pronounce it "Bab-tist."

• You still think Jimmy Swaggert wasn't so bad till he got caught up with those "wimmin."

• You think "dike" is a big wall in Holland.

• You insist on using "gay" to describe your night out with the boys.

• You know the three greek words for love.

• You scrawl Bible verses on the bathroom walls at Stuckeys.

• You thought Naked Gun was a Clint Eastwood movie.

• You thought Back to the Future was a movie about Biblical Prophecy

• You called your teacher "the Beast" as a child.

• You barbecue ribs and invite your Muslim friends over for dinner.

• You've ever attended a book burning.

• You built your own ark model.

• You pointed out all the errors in Jurassic Park according to Genesis.

• You think Monopoly teaches greed.

• You store tracts in your cellular phone carrying case.

• You are one of those idiots who insist on bringing up religion on the airplane by saying, "Gee, if this plane were to crash, would you go to heaven?"

• You support Hare Krishna's in the airport because it means your denomination can have a booth across the hall.

• You can trace Saddam Hussein's genealogy to Nebuchaddnezzar.

• You think Mormon's are mistaken but they sure do dress nice.

• You think genuflect is a type of mirror.

• You wonder why the Dali Lama worships those funny goat-like sheep.

• You wish you could preach like Louis Farrakhan.

• You can prove that unscrambling "Santa" is "Satan."

• You know that Jesus was born in April but probably would have liked a tree anyway.

• You exchange any currency that has three 6's in a row.

• You think credit cards are a tool of the devil to identify you to the Anti-Christ.

• You think that bar codes are demonic.

• You enjoy Wal Mart.

• You sneak a peek at Madonna's Album covers and claim you're doing research.

• You take national geographic and draw bikini's on all the naked people.

• You think People Magazine is pornography.

• You think the band K.I.S.S. means Knights in Satan's Service.

• You found back masking on Amy Grant's albums that chant.

• You think that Gregorian Chants are a tool of the devil

• You think laughter is a tool of the devil.

• You think that tools are tools of the devil. you think that tools are devils.

• You buy everything at Sears.

• You think the J. C. Penny catalog is pretty snappy.

• You think Victoria's Secret is an Illuminati conspiracy.

• You know the writing on the statue of liberty's tablet was put there by a Mason.

• You have a chart of the hidden symbols of the dollar bill.

• You think Pat Robertson was okay till he ran for president.

• You think Jerry Falwell is liberal.

• You think Mother Theresa is stocking away all her money and getting away on wild weekends at Cannes.

• You say "Darn."

• You have all of your radio buttons tuned into religious stations.

• You enjoy Muzak.

• Your idea of a hot weekend is to attend an anti-Catholic seminar.

• If you've ever helped in a baptism and you thought they should stay under water longer.

• You won't wear a robe even in the bathroom.

• You won't wear colored underwear.

• You think Phyllis Schafly is sexy.

• You think the guy with the hair and John 3:16 sign at golf tournaments is liberal.

• You think the NEA is a tool of the devil.

• You won't go to a museum because they have pictures of nekked wimmin.

• You won't go to a park because they have statues of nekked wimmin.

• You won't go in your bathroom because your wife sometimes is nekked.

• You don't have children because it means you and your wife would have to get nekked. . .a little.

• A modem is a tool of the devil.

• You think Deviled ham is a conspiracy of the Illumnati.

• You like Spam.

• You think Stuckey's is a great american institution.

• You think Bingo was a pretty good game until them Catholics took it over.

• You think, "I wouldn't be caught dead gambling," as you purchase your lottery ticket as an investment.

• You think Bill Clinton is the Devil.

• You think Hillary Clinton is the Devil.

• You call Israel the Holy Land.

• You enjoy using flannel art.

• You think Charlton Heston was great in the Ten Commandments. . . but you repent of watching it because movies are a tool of the devil.

• You pronounce "repent" as "rheeeee- paint."

• You say Amen more than once an hour.

• You pray so long your food gets cold.

• You think Doctors are a tool of the devil.

• You think teachers are a tool of the devil.

• You think science is a tool of the devil.

• You think Pat Buchanan is misunderstood.

• You think Burt Reynolds was great in Smoky and the Bandit. . . but you repent of watching it because movies are a tool of the devil.

• You sit still in your living room on Sundays so God won't get pissed off at you because you are working on the Lord's day.

• You have a fish on the back of your car, your boat, your bicycle and your briefcase.

• Your wife puts a scripture tract in your lunch.

• You become an Amway dealer to evangelise in disguise.

• You like being an Amway dealer.

• You think A.A. is liberal.

• You think Aids are those little chocolate candies to lose weight.

• You have your name stamped on all your Bibles.

• You have more than 10 Bibles.

• You think that Catholics actually pray to little plaster statues.

• You think Notre Dame football team are all secretly Jesuit priests in an Illuminati conspiracy.

• You think Amy Grant is a tool of the devil.

• You think underneath the Pope's skull cap is the mark of the beast.

• You have evidence "They" are rebuilding the temple in Jerusalem.

• You name your children after the apostles.

• You name your child Ichabod, Shalmaneser, Jeremiah or Ezekiel.

• You have a Bible Cover that looks like a doily.

• You like all that country living paraphenalia crap.

• You preach against gossip but you thumb through the National enquirer at the check-out line.

• You wonder just who is this Jenny McCarthy.

• You won't own a credit card because "they" might use to give you a "mark of the beast."

• You rail against Catholics for statues but wear a cross around your own neck.

• You always bring bean cassarole to a church pot-luck.

CAT v.6.1b: Completely Autonomous Tester, Manufactured by MOMCAT

User Installation and Maintenance Documentation:

Features:

User Friendly
Low Power CPU
Self Portable Operation
Dual Video and Audio Input
Audio Output
Auto Search Capability for Input Data
Auto Search for Output Bin
Auto Learn Program in ROM
Instant Transition (Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
Wide Operating Temperature Range
Mouse Driven
Self Cleaning

Production Details:

After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there may be a variation between individual units. Some of the units may not meet general standards. MOMCAT's quality assurance may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected units. Beware of Far East clones. These may violate import restrictions.

Transportation:

A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result in loss or damage to the unit and serious injury to the user.

Installation Procedures:

Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to verify that all I/O channels are free of debris and operational. The user should look for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT production environment. The user may manually remove any bugs. Bring the CAT to operation in an environment temperature of 20degC (+/- 3deg tolerance). Use a quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the transportation case and let the CAT unit autoexit. Initialize the self learning program by displaying the output bin. The next step consists in displaying the input bins. These should contain H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity) and dry energy pellets. Immediately afterwards, you must display the output bin.

If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may be possible to download the BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first day or two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode. When the learn buffer overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to sleep() mode. This is normal. The MMU system will store the new information to permanent memory. After 72 hours, the CAT will be interacting with the operating environment. The unit may often be placed in direct sunlight. If all basic environment requirements are satisfied,the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is normal.

A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability comes after extensive burn in. Some users never let the CAT unit autoexit the site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with untested CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to exit, some CAT units may try to port across a street. Fatal errors may happen. These errors are never recoverable. Such situations are not covered by warranties. If you decide to let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a system address and URL.

Your CAT should have a system name. The name may have to be repeated until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Many owners give their CATs a secret password as well. You can also get the CAT's attention by booting the system. While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will abuse the system. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the user.

Applications:

MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed. At present, there are few productivity applications for CAT. Many owners use their system for game playing. CATs play best when they are young. Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some of the better CAT games are:

CACHE
The CAT will CACHE a data code. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the object code must be smaller.

MIRROR
Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.

STRING
The CAT attempts to parse a data string.

JUMP
Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new heights of operation.

CHASE
Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns as one is the data and the other attempts to parse it.

DANCE and SING
Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output.

Maintenance:

CATs will self recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour cycle. CATs are self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do not clean the unit with alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This can lead to violent explosions.

A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive Technician) for a system checkup. Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no user serviceable parts inside. If a unit emits strange smells or sounds, it should be serviced immediately by a VET.

You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male or female scuzzy port. If the port is male, then the CAT unit may emit a non-toxic aerosol. The VET can remove this component. CATs with female ports are plagued by periodic heating problems. The VET can fix this permanently by removing an internal part.

Caution:

CAT systems are normally user friendly. However, in certain documented situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or obstruction of air ports may lead to a CAT deploying its auto defense mechanisms. Do not strike a CAT. Its CPU clock rate is over 500 mHz. Twin D-shaped five-pin connectors have an average seek rate of 3 milliseconds. Children should not poke anything into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE.

In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up. To avoid electric shock, stand on an insulated surface. Do not operate the CAT above water. This may lead to user damage. Carry a CAT firmly. Do not swing it by its "tail".

Service Life:

As CATs become older, the learn program will recognize every situation. The CAT may become too smart for its own good. The Ctrl key on many CAT units is defective. CATs like to have their own toys. They often have hobbies, such as bird watching or studying tropical fish.

If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal service. Many users get a second or even third unit. Most users don't need the extra capacity, but they enjoy the ability to run complex simulation games.

User Groups:

CAT users can find other users on the msn group called The Scratching Post.

Lifetime Warranty:

The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure. Nine coupons are included.

Specifications:

Models Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint in the industry). Interface Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness. Memory 16 MB with 1 MB in ROM. Upgrades available real soon now. Expected Lifetime 12 years with +/- 72 months (although 20 years are common).

Weight 3-6 kilograms without optional cables. Speed 3 milliseconds search/find with self-uprighting supertwist technology. Color Graphics Either paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64 grey shades, or maximum of 16 million colors with 40 gigabits of high resolution pixels. Sound Chip 16 octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU). Power Consumption 250 grams protein daily (2 micrograms per second.) Operating Range -30 to +45deg C (-22 to 105 degF) Vibration 5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance points.