professor: ...you, Mr....um...Smyth? Can you tell me what Rousseau was getting at in the readings?

student: Well sir, I didn't get quite that far in the--

prof: Dammit! I'm tired of your excuses. Everyday you walk into this classroom sleepy-eyed and unprepared. Not once have you come up anything that even remotely resembled an answer.

stu: You want answers?

prof: I think I'm entitled to one.

stu: You want answers?!

prof: I want the truth!

stu: You can't handle the truth!! (dramatic pause) Sir, we live in a world that has parties, and these parties have to be attended by men with cups. Who's gonna do it? You? You Mr. Teaching Assistant? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You read your little textbooks and you curse the fraternities. You have that luxury; you have the luxury of not knowing what i know: that my partying, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. We use words like "keg-stand"," beer-bong", "shotgun." We use these words as the backbone of a life spent drinking something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time, nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps underneath the blanket of the very inebriation that I provide. I'd rather you said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a mug, and start to chug. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

prof: Did you fail to do the work?

stu: I did my job, I'd do it--

prof: DID YOU FAIL TO DO THE WORK?

stu: YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY:
For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice:
We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice:
R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoyub telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice:
I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."

The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."

The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"

Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."

A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."

The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!" The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"