When another character asked "Who was it?" her reply was, "Oh, It was just Candice Bergan asking me to switch."

I looked at my wife and said, "Well, at least it wasn't Ellen DeGeneres!"

Intel recently revealed a new supercomputer, which can use up to 9,000 Pentium Pro CPU's working in parallel. It's been benchmarked at 1.4 teraflops, and it is the fastest computer in the world today.

Rumor has it that it boots Windows '95 in less than a minute.

The Ultimate List of Pick-Up Lines to use on Engineering Chicks

1. I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.

2. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.

3. Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.

4. My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.

5. Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.

6. Wanna come back to my room? ...and see my 166mhz Pentium?

7. How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

8. You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.

9. You're sweeter than glucose.

10. We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.

11. Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between you and me?

12. Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX?

13. Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.

14. Isn't your e-mail address beautifulgirl@mydreams.com

15. You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!

Every now and then any organization must update its desktop facilities. What is a sound criteria for determining those needs. Here are a few of the logically based economic and scientific considerations

Management asks "...how to determine when we need to buy PCs." Here are a few thoughts.

You can justify replacing your PC if...

1. Your numeric keypad uses Roman Numerals.

2. Your neighbor's PC's all have lightning bolts on the chassis to warn of high voltage inside. Your PC has a picture of Thor.

3. A thief discovers your PC at midnight. The next morning, atop your PC you find a Genuine Hallmark Card. Inside you find a five dollar bill and a book of food stamps.

4. Your mouse is made out of Bakelite.

5. Your modem's dialer thinks "Compuserve" is "three long and two short."

6. You've had to complain to AT&T about constant dinner-time phone calls from the Smithsonian Museum.

7. Your PC has already been programmed to handle "turn of the century" year ambiguities by using four digits, making it possible to differentiate ambiguous '96' as either '96BC' or '96AD'.

8. Your internal 'HDD' is an FeO2 drum.

9. Your internal memory is mercury-vapor-acustic.

10. The only Juke Box approved for your PC is The Mighty Whurlitzer.

11. Your UPS requires a continuous supply of downhill running water.

12. You have a 10'x15' private office. Whenever management complains, you show them your PC.

13. Your laptop PC has built-in wheels, a long handle, and a horse collar.

14. A list of upgrades for your PC is has been found on the Rosetta Stone.

15. Windows on your PC keeps displaying a Pop-Up message saying "Non illigitimus te corborundum est."

A lady approaches a priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?", the priest asked.

"They only know how to say `Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'"

"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

"Thank you." said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BEADS AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!"