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Origin of the Net

I have a theory on the origin of the internet. Our canine companions have had a similar network in place for millenia. Think about it - the dog over the back barks, yours barks, the one down the road barks and so on.

They have a very sophisticated communications protocol (K9 I think). This consists of the familiar seven bite packet that we hear every night ( they do it at night because there's more available bandwith in the audio spectrum - fewer trucks, cars, machinery etc. ) you know - woof woof, woof woof woof woof, woof.

The first two bites are the address i.e. aunty.FiFi@the_big_Gum_Tree/with/persian

The next four bites are message data "Hey Auntie where's the bone you promised me for Christmas you bitch"

The last bite is the CRC "Canine Rabies check" It's usually omitted by Australian dogs because we don't have rabies but some yappies use it transmit stock exchange information.

Now don't dismiss this this proposition too lightly. I know some of you will say you can't get that much info into seven bites, but there's a big difference between a bite and a byte. A byte, as we all know is only eight bits. But to a dog a bite is something completely different. One bite, "WOOF" , is around .125 seconds in length and is a modulated analogue signal with a better bandwidth than the telephone network. Remember that dogs have an auditory range which we regard as supersonic.

You may also say that reliance on sound waves as a carrier naturally limits the Doggie Internet to a rather local service region. WAKE UP. Dogs invented sattelite communications. They're not howling at the the moon at midnight, that's just a high speed upload.

G e e k o n i c s
By John Woestendiek
Philadelphia Inquirer
Wed., January 8, 1997

NEWS BULLETIN:

Saying it will improve the education of children who have grown up immersed in computer lingo, the school board in San Jose, Calif., has officially designated computer English, or "Geekonics", as a second language.

The historic vote on Geekonics -- a combination of the word "geek" and the word "phonics" -- came just weeks after the Oakland school board recognized black English, or Ebonics, as a distinct language.

"This entirely reconfigures our parameters," Milton "Floppy" Macintosh, chairman of Geekonics Unlimited, said after the school board became the first in the nation to recognize Geekonics.

"No longer are we preformatted for failure," Macintosh said during a celebration that saw many Geekonics backers come dangerously close to smiling. "Today, we are rebooting, implementing a program to process the data we need to interface with all units of humanity."

Controversial and widely misunderstood, the Geekonics movement was spawned in California's Silicon Valley, where many children have grown up in households headed by computer technicians, programmers, engineers and scientists who have lost ability to speak plain English and have inadvertently passed on their high-tech vernacular to their children.

HELPING THE TRANSITION

While schools will not teach the language, increased teacher awareness of Geekonics, proponents say, will help children make the transition to standard English. Those students, in turn, could possibly help their parents learn to speak in a manner that would lead listeners to believe that they have actual blood coursing through their veins.

"Bit by bit, byte by byte, with the proper system development, with nonpreemptive multitasking, I see no reason why we can't download the data we need to modulate our oral output," Macintosh said.

The designation of Ebonics and Geekonics as languages reflects a growing awareness of our nation's lingual diversity, experts say.

Other groups pushing for their own languages and/or vernaculars to be declared official viewed the Geekonics vote as a step in the right direction.

"This is just, like, OK, you know, the most totally kewl thing, like, ever," said Jennifer Notat-Albright, chairwoman of the Committee for the Advancement of Valleyonics, headquartered in Southern California. "I mean, like, you know?" she added.

THEY'RE HAPPY IN DIXIE

"Yeee-hah," said Buford "Kudzu" Davis, president of the Dixionics Coalition. "Y'all gotta know I'm as happy as a tick on a sleeping bloodhound about this. We could be fartin' thru silk perty soon."

Spokesmen for several subchapters of Dixionics -- including Alabonics, Tennesonics and Louisionics -- also said they approved of the decision.

Bill Flack, public information officer for the Blue Ribbon Task Force on Bureaucratonics said that his organization would not comment on the San Jose vote until it convened a summit meeting, studied the impact, assessed the feasibility, finalized a report and drafted a comprehensive action plan, which, once it clears the appropriate subcommittees and is voted on, will be made public to those who submit the proper information-request forms.

Proponents of Ebonics heartily endorsed the designation of Geekonics as an official language.

"I ain't got no problem wif it," said Earl E. Byrd, president of the Ebonics Institute. "You ever try talkin' wif wunna dem computer dudes? Don't matter if it be a white computer dude or a black computer dude; it's like you be talkin' to a robot -- RAM, DOS, undelete, MegaHertZ. Ain't nobody understands. But dey keep talkin' anyway. 'Sup wif dat?"

Those involved in the lingual diversity movement believe that only by enacting many different English languages, in addition to all the foreign ones practiced here, can we all end up happily speaking the same boring one, becoming a nation that is both unified in its diversity, and diversified in its unity.

Others say that makes no sense at all. In any language.

Health Care FAQ

Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care
By David Lubar

What does HMO stand for?
This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
No. Only those you need.

I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!

What are pre-existing conditions?
This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
Poke yourself in the eye.

I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Will health care be any different in the next century?
No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.