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You Might be a Michigander......

If you define Summer as three months of bad sledding....
If your definition of a small town is one that doesn't have a lake....
If your family breaks into violence during the UM-MSU game (any sport!)...
If snow tires come standard on all your cars....
If at least 50% of your relatives work for the auto industry....
If you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week....
If you can identify an Ohio accent....
If owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your home town.....
If you learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels were off your bike....
If you think Alkaline batteries were named after a Tiger outfielder....
If you point at the palm of your right hand when telling people where you grew up....
If you don't understand what the big deal about Chicago is....
If someone asks you if you've been to Europe and you answer, "No, but I've been to Ann Arbor"....
If "Down South" to you means Toledo....
If you have any idea who Bob Ufer was.....
If octopus and hockey go together as naturally as hot dogs and baseball...
If traveling coast to coast means going from Port Huron to Muskegon...
If you think "going up north" would be a great vacation....in January....
If you refer to your relatives in southern Michigan as "trolls" or "lopers"...
If the "Big Three" can mean either Ford, Chrysler and GM or Domino's,
Little Ceasar's and Hungry Howie's...
If a Big Mac is something you can drive across....
If you have no problem spelling Mackinac Island....
If you had to get a passport to go to Ohio....
If you have as many Canadian coins in your pockets as American ones...
If your kid's baseball and softball games have ever been snowed out...
If the trees in your backyard have spigots....
If you know that a place called "Kalamazoo" really exists....
If you bake with "soda" and drink "pop"...
If you know what a pastie is...
If you drive 70 mph on the highway and pass on the right....
If your favorite hockey team's mascot is an octopus...
If you have a favorite hockey team...
If you don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Vernor's...
If you know how to play Euchre...

Hooked on Ebonics

Does your child have trouble learning street jive? Is he coming home with from school with good grades and no friends? Is he headed toward academic success but social failure? Is he snubbed by the other kids in gym class, and always the last one picked when choosing sides for the team? Does he walk home from school alone? Do the other children make him do their homework, and then steal his lunch money? Do you often find him alone in his room, doing homework, when he should be out playing basketball or experimenting with drugs? Is your child uncoordinated?

IS HE A SOCIAL OUTCAST?

Well, fret no longer, Mom, for we have the solution that will spirit your child away from all that. Within just a few weeks, your little Jimmy or Johnny can be a key player in the local social scene. He'll have friends calling him all hours of the night, and he'll need a pager to manage his love life. No more after-dinner homework, he'll be spending his time in the more socially-productive world of street corners and playgrounds. In no time at all, even the police will know him by name.

And he can accomplish all this through the magic of ebonics.

"Ebonics" -- the concatenation of "ebony" and "phonics" -- is the language of many black Americans today, and holds the key to social acceptance and athletic proficiency, and possibly even special consideration for federal funding. Your child will be moving in circles you never dreamed possible, and might even draw the attention NCAA scouts! And all it takes is a few hours each week. You can do it! We can do it together -- with our ground-breaking new program that teaches your child to speak ebonics in just a few short weeks. It's quick! It's fun! It's set to the latest and trendiest music from the hip hop scene!

It's "Hooked on Ebonics"!

There are other teaching methods out there, but "Hooked on Ebonics" is simply the fastest, most effective way for your child to lose linguistic consciousness -- and GAIN coordination, style, and a whole new wardrobe.

"Hooked on Ebonics" implements a simple, but complete multi-sensory, "explicit" phonetic and integrated language arts program. While other phonics programs focus on orthographics, listening and comprehension skills, "Hooked on Ebonics" gets right to the heart of the matterby focusing exclusively on SPEAKING skills and SPEECH patterns.

It's simple:
There are only seven basic phonemes in ebonics, plus another 16 that apply specifically to sports and food. There are twelve unique phonograms, which can be reduced to three if we replace the common number-2 pencil with a can of tagger's paint. Sound complicated? It isn't. There are only *two* basic digraphs, and *no* diphthongs whatsoever. If your child can learn English, he can learn ebonics!

But the best part is the music, which helps stir your child and involves him in the learning process. For example, phonemes are choreographed to Notorious B.I.G.'s "Big Poppa" and "Juicy," which also help teach rhyming skills -- an important feature of the ebonics language set. Other phonemes are set to Bone Thugs 'N' Harmony's "Thuggish Ruggish Bone" -- a hot single on hip hop charts, and one that your child is sure to love. Killa Instict's "Now The Boys Dies" provides the hip musical backdrop for digraphs section, and Public ENemy's "Welcome to the Terrordome" pairs well with Notorious B.I.G.'s "One More Chance/The What" (remixed version) to cover phonograms. Finally, select cuts from Snoop Doggy Dog and Too Short help your child pull it all together into a cohesive and exciting learning

experience that is sure to prepare him for his new life of success and social acceptance.

Is all of this just hype? No! "Hooked on Ebonics" is based on scientific studies showing that the combination intense systematic phonics and intense systematic aural stimulation is a proven method for learning basic communications skills. "Hooked on Ebonics" *guarantees* that your child's SAT scores will drop to a socially- acceptable 475 combined score within just six weeks of starting the program -- and in as little as EIGHT WEEKS, your child should have substantial unexplained income *and* a police record. We guarantee it, or your money back!

"Hooked on Ebonics" comes complete with three compact discs (CDs), two lesson books and matching crayons, six decks of flash cards, an Instruction Guide, achievement stickers, and an alphabet poster with pictures of your child's soon-to-be-favorite hip-hop stars.

You get all this for just $109.95! Call now! 1-800-EBONICS. This fantastic offer is NOT available in any stores. It's NOT available at your local school. It's not even available through the NEA, though they DID make a public statement about it! You can only get it from our toll-free nationwide hotline, 1-800-EBONICS: Have your American Express, VISA, MasterCard, Discover Card, or Home Shopping Club Membership Number ready when you call!

But that's not all! Order now, and you'll also get the free "Kwanzaa Guide," your child's key to fitting in with his new friends during the holidays. Learn about Kawaida Theory! Learn what to say (and, with "Hooked on Ebonics," *how* to say it!), what to wear, and the seven most important questions to ask during holiday gatherings. It's sure to make your son or daughter the center of the party.

It's a one-time offer you can't pass up: "Hooked on Ebonics" *and* the "Kwanzaa Guide" for just $109.95!

Don't wait! Act now! Help your child on the path to social success and personal satisfaction. Help him gain the recognition he deserves.

Don't allow your child to be left out of the crowd! Call 1-800-EBONICS for your package today! Do it for you. Do it for your child's future.

JUST DO IT!

If restaurants functioned like Microsoft

Patron: Server!
Server: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Server. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Server: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.
Server: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Server: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Server: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that got to do with the fly in my soup?!
Server: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Server: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Server: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Server: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.

[Server leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]

Server: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.

Server: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[Server leaves.]

Patron: Server! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day $5.00

Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $2.50

Access to support $1.00

The Plan

In the Beginning was the plan.

And then came the assumptions.

And the assumptions were without form.

And the plan was completely without substance.

And the darkness was upon the face of the workers.

And they spoke among themselves saying: "It is a crock of sh_t, and it stinketh."

And the workers went unto their supervisors, and sayeth: "It is a pail of dung, and none can abide the odor Thereof"

And the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, Such that none can abide it."

And the managers went unto the directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none can abide its strength." And the directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong."

And the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth to them, "It promotes growth, and is very powerful."

And the vice presidents went unto the president, and sayeth unto him, "This new plan will actively promote growth and efficiency of this company, and certain areas in particular."

And the president looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good. And the plan became policy. And this is how sh_t happens.