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Jacking in from the Moron Christian Right

Texas county votes the "hell" out of hello

January 15, 1997
KINGSVILLE, Texas (Reuter) -- Heaven-o, how are you?

The greeting may take some getting used to, but Kleberg County commissioners have thrown their support behind a local man's campaign to take the "hell" out of hello.

County Judge Pete De La Garza said on Wednesday that the commissioners voted unanimously for a resolution urging the use of "heaven-o" instead of hello in greetings.

"Is everybody using it? The answer is of course, no. It's a very new thing and everybody's a little apprehensive," De La Garza told Reuters.

"I suppose it's like everything else, once you get adjusted to it, you might start using it."

The idea was spawned by flea market operator Leonso Canales who thought it sinister that the root of "hello" was "hell." He has led a three-year campaign to get the county to remove the offensive word.

His victory will result in telephones being answered in the county courthouse with the salutation "heaven-o."

[Why don't we just call this Christonics? - Biff]

H e b o n i c s

Jewish English or "Hebonics"

The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many of America's Jews. Here are some descriptions of the characteristics of the language, and samples of phrases in standard English and Jewish English.

Samples of Pronunciation Characteristics

Jewish English or "Hebonics" hardens consonants at the ends of words. Thus, "hand" becomes "handt."

The letter "W" is always pronounced as if it were a "V". Thus "walking" becomes "valking"

"R" sounds are transformed to a guttural utterance that is virtually impossible to spell in English. It is "ghraining" "algheady".

Samples of Idiomatic Characteristics

Questions are always answered with questions:

Question: "How do you feel?"
Hebonics response: "How should I feel?"

The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl."

The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "shm" to the front is used for emphasis":

mountains becomes "shmountains"

turtle becomes "shmurtle"

Sample Usage Comparisons

Standard English Phrase             Hebonics Phrase

"He walks slow"       -     "Like a fly in the ointment he walks"

"You're sexy"             -              (unknown concept)

"Sorry, I do not know the time"   -      "What do I look like, a clock?"

"I hope things turn out for the best  -  "You should BE so lucky"

"Anything can happen"    -    "It is never so bad, it can't get worse"

Reasons Why Captain Janeway is Better Than Captain Picard

One word: hair
More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined.
Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.
Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.
Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.
Hasn't let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship -- yet.
Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0
Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to admit they're lost and pull over for directions.
Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her way through.
Hasn't quoted Shakespeare -- yet.
Looks better in sleepwear.
Gives guilt trips that would make a Jewish mother proud.
Isn't French with an English accent.
"Take this cheese to sickbay!"
Will give you two days off to ponder your lifeshattering experience.
Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying to convince them to behave better.
To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving motherly way. Picard sings a song... in French... about a monk... who can't wake up for morning bells.
The only children on Voyager can be turned off at will.
Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo.
She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way.
Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles.
Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead of trying to weasel her way out of it with philosophical ramblings.
15 episodes without surrendering the ship.
15 episodes and Wesley has yet to save the ship.
Janeway's holo programs create useful things like doctors and lungs. Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniuses who yet again take over the ship.
She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands.
Janeway has never worn green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest. However, if she did, she would look fantastic!
Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a shirt; Janeway would look... no, they can't do that on network television.
Cheese
Doesn't force her crew to wear awful outfits, unless it is to blend in with a primitive planet.
She doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.
Her engineer does not wear a banana clip over her eyes.
Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments.
Doesn't have a Counselor on board (thank God!).
Her telepath only lives nine years.
Janeway heard the words "boldly go where no man (er, woman) has gone before" and took them to the extreme.
Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one day come to a greater understanding." Janeway threatens them with "the deadliest of force".
Janeway's Security Chief would never grow a ponytail.
The high point of Enterprise cuisine were scrambled eggs that only Worf could stomach.
Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set off.
Maintains an elaborate hairdo that would baffle even Princess Leia.
Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy, Paris, are YOU ever stupid."
Cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese. I can't help myself!
Hugs her Vulcan from time to time.
Has a more manly voice.
Doesn't have a starship that splits in half when it's in a tight spot.
Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish!
Kes. Troi. No contest.
Nealix. Replicator. Ok, this one's debatable.
At least she doesn't have to yell "Hot!" at her cook every time she wants something to drink.
Her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles.
Her CONN officer actually went through the Academy.
Her CONN officer can use contractions.
Her first officer has a hallucinogenic device.
None of the crew members' relatives have ever tried to take over the ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or enslave all humankind.
To help her relax, Janeway's first officer helps her contact her spirit guide. Picard's first officer helps him get... to Risa.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young woman at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank.

She said that first though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the large amount of money involved.

The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of $1000 bills, which he was sure amounted to about $3 million, telephoned the bank president's secretary to obtain the appointment for the lady. The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office.

Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people that she did business with on a more personal level.

The bank president then asked her where she had come into such money.

"Did you inherit it?"

"No," she replied.

He was quiet for a minute, trying to think where this little old lady could have come into $3 million.

"I bet, she stated. You bet?" repeated the president.

"As in horses? no," she replied. "I bet people."

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet different things with people.

All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 tomorrow morning your balls will be square."

The bank president figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on her bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day the bank president was very careful and cautious.

He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances. There was $25,000 at stake here. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference. He looked the same as he always did. He went to the bank and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00. He knew this would be a good day. How often do you get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10:00 sharp the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to what his purpose for being there was, she informed him that the younger man was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money involved.

"Well," she asked him, "what about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer."

The lady seemed to accept this, but she requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his pants. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed him by his balls. Sure enough, everything was fine. The president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.

What's wrong with him?" he asked.

"Oh him," she replied. "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:10 this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."