HuMoR - TIADA LogOn TANPA SENYUM ™

Redneck Computer Lingo

"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.

"Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.

"Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.

"Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions.

"ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

"Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.

"Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

"Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

"LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."

"Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

"bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."

"digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

"packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

An Ebonics Primer...

Ebonics: "Yo! Eeder I be in luv or those pork chops I ate weren't cooked!"

Ebolics: "Help! I'm mellllltinggggg!! *gurgle*"

Bubonics: "Bring out yer dead!"

Ecolics: "I feel like shit!"

Clintonics: "Chelsea, you're the best kisser in the county!"

NAKED EYE: The big bad sleep

Never Never Land -- Yeah pal, you read the sign right on the frosted glass door of my tacky office. It says: "William Burrill: Fairy Tale Detective."

Wanna make something out of it? So I work the Fairy Tale beat? You think I'm soft? Last guy who called me a "Fairy Dick" is still shittin' out teeth in the parking lot at some joint called Disneyland...

Get the picture? You gotta be hard-boiled to investigate Fairy Tales. Hard-boiled, unlike a sad case I had to ID last week in the morgue. Buddy of mine named Humpty Dumpty. Took a "bad fall." Yeah, right. Couldn't put the poor bastard back together again even with the "help" of all the King's horses and all the King's men. Humpty and I did two tours of Nam before he got shell-shocked. He might have been an egg but he was no chicken and I think he got fried because he found out something the feds didn't want turned over easy. Eggheads know too much for their own good. But I know this much: Humpty didn't fall. He was pushed. He was poached. When a pal like Humpty gets it, you take it personal. But you can't be soft-boiled in this game. When I find the perps I'm gonna scramble their eggs.

Bought myself a shot of rye from the bottle I keep under the couch and tried to think of Humpty when he had the sunny side up. This'll be a hard case to crack. It's a living.