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REALLY Bad Day

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.

Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful defender of the Western Hemisphere.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No -- but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning."

In The News...

Modern Travel: To promote airline safety, a proposed FAA rule would require that every suitcase checked on a US flight be on the same plane as its owner. "That means that even though you want to fly to Orlando at 9am, you may end up on the 10pm plane to Boise." (Jerry Perisho)

Major airlines oppose the plan. "They are even against a less stringent rule that would require luggage and owners to be in the same country." (Bob Mills)

On Campus: "In a rare lapse of generosity, the NCAA has decided college athletes can get jobs. This statement was sent via ship-to-shore cable from the NCAA yacht SS TV Revenue anchored off Monte Carlo." (Kaseberg)

"Athletes just can't make it anymore on what alumni give them," says Alan Ray.

The FBI released more formerly classified files. Among 15,000 pages newly available to the public were in-depth reports on organized crime and anti-communist groups an several Victoria's Secret catalogs addressed to JE Hoover. (Olympic Daily World)

This Wasn't In That Mars & Venus Book!

The commitment problem has caused many women to mistakenly conclude that men, as a group, have the emotional maturity of hamsters. This is not the case. A hamster is much more capable of making a lasting commitment to a woman, expecially if she gives it those little food pellets. Whereas a guy, in a relationship, will consume the pellets of companionship, and he will run on the exercise wheel of lust, but as soon as he senses that the door of commitment is about to close and trap him in the wire cage of true intimacy, he'll squirm out, scamper across the kitchen floor of uncertainty and hide under the refrigerator of non-Readiness. -- Dave Barry