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Do They Protect Interstates, Too?

By JD Robinson in Florida

From the "Say What?" file -- true story: I'm taking two classes this semester, one of which is Public Policy. Our professor is an adjunct; nice lady, tries too hard. Anyway, a few weeks ago, we're covering a chapter on environmental politics, and she casts an overhead with facts and figures on some of the more powerful environmental lobbying groups. Among them is the Audubon Society. If you do not know what the Audubon Society is, then stop reading.

So one of the students asks, "What is the Audubon Society?" (Bird watchers, if you ignored my previous instructions.) To which the professor replies:

"I don't know, I think it's a group to protect that road in Germany."

It hits me like a spear. "She did not just say that, did she?" I think to myself. I look up -- and she's *serious*.

"That's Auto-BAHN, not Audubon!" I reply, only to be drowned out by the chorus of students in the back who are either laughing or yelling, "Birds! Birds!"

"What?" she says.

I reply, "It's a group organized for the protection of birds."

She stays silent for a moment, then responds, "Well, what kind of bird is an audubon, is it a spotted owl or something?"

I swear to God -- true story.

The Top 15 Movie Surprises this Year

  1. "Home Alone - Christmas with Jacko" gets new PG-5 rating.

  2. "Escape From LA"? Without a single low-speed Bronco chase???

  3. "Jiggle All The Way (A Hooters Christmas Carol)"

  4. The 4-hour version of Hamlet features a fully choreographed water ballet, a nude scene featuring Ed Asner, and a surprise ending that reveals O.J. as the killer of Hamlet's father.

  5. Argentinian government completely staffed with male dancers.

  6. Robert DeNiro stars in "101 Damnations."

  7. Even after ten bonghits, "Waiting to Exhale" was no "Cheech & Chong."

  8. Another year, with no holiday blockbuster starring screen legend Larry Storch.

  9. Jennifer Jason Leigh plays the depressed, co-dependent, alcoholic, drug-addicted, obsessed wife of Santa in "CLAUStrophobia!"

  10. "First Contact" introduced Star Trek fans to a new life form - woman.

  11. Surgeon General issues a warning that "It's NOT a Wonderful Life."

  12. The average jumbo popcorn is now larger and more expensive than the average theater seat.

  13. The Mirror Has Two Faces... And Four Really Big Buttcheeks.

  14. "Trainstopping" - Dyslexic heroin junkies unclear on the concept. and the Number 1 Movie Surprise this Year...

  15. Two Butthead movies; only one stars Tom Cruise.

In The News...

Famed Anthropologist Mary Leakey died at the age of 83. Leakey was buried near her home, where she will rest in peace, until some nosy anthropologist digs her up. -- Norm MacDonald

Annals of Television: Two men whose fishing boat sank near Hawaii on Dec. 9 were rescued from a raft this week. "However," Premiere Morning Sickness reports, "after hearing that Tom Arnold would be starring in another sitcom, Richard Enslow and David Summers quickly paddled back out to sea."

The Bryant Gumbel farewell garnered the highest. "Today Show" ratings in seven years. "It just goes to show that if you give the viewers what they want, they'll tune in," says Bob Mills.

Science Watch: Government and auto industry officials are debating which crash dummies best imitate humans in accidents. Says Paul Ryan, "They can't decide whether it's the ones who play with the radio and do their makeup, or the ones who eat Danishes and spill hot coffee in their laps."

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