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Top 17 signs that the Pope is your secret admirer

You receive a "Get out of Hell Free" card in the mail.
Confesses he gets a "resurrection" just thinking about you.
Replaces your communion wafer with a Godiva chocolate.
No matter what the sin: 3 Hail Mary's and a back massage.
When you ask if he likes you, responds with, "Am I Catholic?"
Changes "Hail Mary" to "Hail Kathy". Your name? Kathy.
When he's called to the chalkboard in your math class, has to hold his pointy hat in front of him.
Always talking about the "first coming."
Anonymous, racy e-mail traced to "bigcheese@vatican.org."
"Except With the Pope" is added to the end of "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery."
Keeps wanting to introduce you to "Pope Johnson."
"Mirrors on the ceiling? That's kid stuff. I'm talkin' Michelangelo, Baby!"
During confession, keeps saying "What do you like best about the church? Me?"
Envelopes arrive marked "You May Already Be A Saint."
Sends a Cardinal to find out if you like him.
Trades in the pope-mobile for a Trans Am. and the Number 1 Sign the Pope is Your Secret Admirer...
You start receiving woolen unmentionables from Frederick's of Warsaw.

The Top 12 Signs You're Being Stalked By A Farm Animal

Every morning at the bus stop, that same pig is reading the newspaper -- upside down!

Whenever you cross the road, so does that damned chicken!

That foul smell, and you're not with your beer drinking buddies.

Heavy bleating on the other end of the phone.

Silhouette of knife-wielding Holstein appears on your shower curtain.

Everywhere you go, the bell! The bell!! THE BELL!!!

You find a knit cap and FOUR bloody gloves.

You keep hearing, "Oink oink," and there isn't a See'n'Say toy in sight.

After an ugly breakup with Flopsy, you find Glenn Close floating in a pot on your stove.

While baking custard pie, you step in cow pie.

All 84 Caller ID entries read, "Babe." and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked By A Farm Animal...

Note on your doorstep says, "We'll see who's laughing at Thanksgiving this year, Ginsu Boy!"

In The News...

Splitsville: A Dublin court has granted Ireland's first divorce. "The Irish are so unfamiliar with the legal ramifications, Liz Taylor is being flown in to conduct a seminar," says Bob Mills.

"Divorce is way up in California," says Argus Hamiliton. "It's considered normal now. When a woman meets a man in Los Angeles, she asks herself if this is the one she someday wants their children to visit every other weekend."

The US Army is faced with enlistments that could fall 10% below target this year. "Military life isn't what it used to be. It's now six months of boot camp followed by years of sensitivity training." (Hamilton)