HuMoR - TIADA LogOn TANPA SENYUM ™

I just knew I was in big trouble at work when:

the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.
the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
I got a "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.
my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-18 last weekend.
the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.
the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.
I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.
my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.
my secretary sez things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."
three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.
the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me.

Explorer & Marijuana Comparison

An apples to apples comparison of Microsoft Internet Explorer and Marijuana

You get both for free at first, but once you get hooked they raise the price.

Both will screw up your life eventually.

Microsoft and the drug dealer know that you'll come back for more.

Drug use and Internet Explorer use have dramatically increased in the last few months.

Both crash your system sometimes.

Both marijuana and Internet Explorer are advertised on TV.

Both drug dealers and Microsoft want you to redistribute their products to others.

Stages of Life

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE        DRINK
17         beer
25         beer
35         vodka
48         double vodka
66         Maalox

           SEDUCTION LINE
17         My parents are away for the weekend.
25         My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35         My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48         My wife is away for the weekend.
66         My second wife is dead.

           FAVORITE SPORT
17         sex
25         sex
35         sex
48         sex
66         napping

           DRUG
17         pot
25         coke
35         really good coke
48         power
66         coke, a limousine, the company jet

           DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17         "tongue"
25         "breakfast"
35         "She didn't set back my therapy."
48         "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66         "Got home alive."

           FAVORITE FANTASY
17         getting to third
25         airplane sex
35         menage a trois
48         taking the company public
66         Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

           HOUSE PET
17         roaches
25         stoned-out college roommate
35         Irish setter
48         children from his first marriage
66         Barbi

           WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17         25
25         35
35         48
48         66
66         17

           IDEAL DATE
17         Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25         "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35         "Just come over."
48         "Just come over and cook."
66         sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE        DRINK
17         Wine Coolers
25         White wine
35         Red wine
48         Dom Perignon
66         Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

           EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17         Need to wash my hair
25         Need to wash and condition my hair
35         Need to color my hair
48         Need to have Francois color my hair
66         Need to have Francois color my wig

           FAVORITE SPORT
17         shopping
25         shopping
35         shopping
48         shopping
66         shopping

           DRUG
17         shopping
25         shopping
35         shopping
48         shopping
66         shopping

           DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17         "Burger King"
25         "Free meal"
35         "A diamond"
48         "A bigger diamond"
66         "Home Alone"
   
           FAVORITE FANTASY
17         tall, dark and handsome
25         tall, dark and handsome with money
35         tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48         a man with hair
66         a man

           HOUSE PET
17         Muffy the cat
25         Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35         Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48         Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66         Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

           WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17         17
25         25
35         35
48         48
66         66

           IDEAL DATE
17         He offers to pay
25         He pays
35         He cooks breakfast the next morning
48         He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66         He can chew breakfast