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W i n d m i l l

At his first service, the new preacher had a large pitcher of water and a glass on the pulpit. During the sermon, he got all worked up, waving his arms and gesticulating, hollering how everybody was going to burn in hell for their sins. As he preached, he constantly drank water until the pitcher was empty.

After the service a couple of farmers were discussing the sermon. One guy asks the other, "What did you think about the new pastor?" "Awright, I reckon. But he's the first windmill I ever saw that was run by water."

Like a leopard

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.

"The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us."

... "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios..."

Salmon Spawning Made Simple

Here's the way it was with the second grade class at East Elementary School in Kodiak.

They were studying the life cycle of the salmon and they came to spawning. So in art class each kid made a salmon mask. (What a salmon mask should look like, God only knows.) They adjourned to the gym where each kid held his/her mask on with one hand. The girls were given a sponge Nerf ball and the boys a can of shaving cream. The male salmon chases the female salmon and sprays the egg. Thus, nature's cycle remains unbroken.

Some ofthe girls wouldn't run but meekly held out their egg. One aggressive girl chased her partner around the gym thrusting her egg at him. This so flustered the boy that he couldn't get his spray can to function. She called him a sissy and he burst into tears. One little boy kept spraying himself even after the teacher told him it was nasty. Two boys were content spraying each other and wouldn't pay attention to their female partners.

When the teacher turned her back many of the kids quickly spawned with other than their assigned partners.

Afterwards, the children were graded on their spawning techniques. Parents of those given low grades protested, saying spawning is too subjective to be graded.