"Well darling," she replied,"that's what you get for neglecting your practice."

1. Couldn't muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!

2. You've repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick.

3. Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole.

4. Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.

5. No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again...

6. Continually scratches on the door to get in... the OVEN door.

7. Doesn't get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.

8. Rides in your car with its head out the window.

9. She's a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party.

10. You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.

11. Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty "9 Lives" cans.

12. Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.

13. After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto-Puss.

14. Sullen and overweight, your sunglass-wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.

15. Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.

    and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat has a Personality Disorder...

16. Makes an attempt on "First Cat" Sock's life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster.

The re-release of George Lucas' "Star Wars" over the raked in millions. "This came as a relief to Princess Leia who had fallen on hard times and was considering becoming a spokeswoman for Weight Watchers and Ocean Spray." (Joshua Sostrin)

Says Paul Ecker, "Teenagers all over the country are asking the same question: Who's Mark Hamill?"

The film was enhanced with even more special effects. "In a related move, Sweden will re-release Ingmar Bergman's films "enhanced with even more gloom,'" (Michael Edens)

"Demi Moore's new movie about the first woman in the elite Navy Seals still has no name," says Alex Kaseberg. "They decided not to go with the title chosen by a test marketing group -- 'Straight to Video.'"

Salt Lake City is No. 1 in the world in Jell-O consumption. Says Jay Leno, "But LA is still No. 1 if you include recreational use. You know -- naked wrestling, Jell-O shots."

NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue blocked Patriots coach Bill Parcells form switching to the New York Jets without the permission of the Patriots. "The Jets can't win," says Jay Leno. "Even their coaches get intercepted."